I thought I was doing well

i feel you. i just went on a week long vacation with my boyfriend and i almost broke up with him mid trip. it breaks my heart because i know who i can be and who i want to be in this relationship but it's like i just can't. i can't escape my head. i can't even reminisce on our memories without wanting to cry because of this feeling that it's still not right and im just continuing to get in too deep with him and his family. i feel like a fraud. im always wanting him to respond or treat me or make me feel a certain way, and expecting him not to which confirms my suspicions of him being wrong for me, and then remaining unhappy. i blame him but ultimately myself. my thoughts tell me everything i've done is wrong and that i chose him because i was lonely and just because he's a good person, but not because he's who i actually want. so many things make me questions if he's right for me, half of which are my own fault. i envy my sister who is picky when it comes to relationships and i compare myself to her in everything because i've been in a lot of them and they've never worked out. i always leave. i feel irresponsible and like i haven't given myself the time i need on my own in order to be in a healthy relationship. but how can that be a real reason to leave the person who shows up for me every day, who wants a future with me, and who will never stop choosing me? the first guy who i've wanted those things with too and who i can't just throw away. i seriously don't know what to do anymore. i make him so happy and im not even being my full self because of OCD. it breaks my heart because he feels like he can't make me happy, and honestly i wonder if he can. it's so hard to know what to do when the only thing that gives me relief from all of my shame is imagining being on my own, but that very same thought is devastating imagining us not being together. and it feels like it's all my fault for not knowing who i was before entering this relationship. i can't tell if he's truly not right for me or if all of this causes me to view him as such. i feel lost, don't know who i am, furthest from God I ever have, and like no matter what i do is wrong.

I was wondering how you’ve been doing! I haven’t been on the app in a long time and I’m just happy and proud of you that you’ve been doing so well! One setback doesn’t mean a restart. Recovery is not linear in that way! I believe in you