Trans OCD

Please help. I've always had this fear of "what if I'm trans?" and fear now feels like reality. It feels like I've been suppressing a hidden truth for so many years and that the inevitable truth of me being trans is now coming out. I am completely dissociated and feel like my body is trying to make me feel dysphoric in my current body and forcing constant fixation on images of myself as a man and makes me think I like them. It feels like this has never been about fear and has always been about suppression, and now I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I've completely numbed out any emotion and am so hyperaware of what people think of me and of "being figured out" that this it is unbearable. I feel no joy or connection to anything anymore, and the idea of connecting with anyone on a friendship or relationship level scares me because it feels like it is going to confirm that I am not a woman. I want to be a woman and have struggled with body dysmorphia and feeling like I need to constantly be working on my body to be satisfied, but I don't think at my core I want to be a man. I feel relieved at the idea of accepting it and realizing there is a cause to the years of intrusive thoughts and disconnection from myself and others, but the feelings of dysphoria in my female body/euphoria at the thought of being a man makes me feel like this is inescapable and I am just in denial. I think learning about the fact that gender dysphoria is the determining factor of what makes someone trans versus what is OCD is why I feel dysphoric now, but I am so in distress that I don't even know who I am or ever was anymore. I've always felt inadequate and had imposter syndrome, like I've never been able to acknowledge the good person that I am or how I've been successful. I've long been insecure of my appearance and had tendencies to compare myself to others and check to see if I was enough. I have a major fear of being inauthentic, and being trans would take away everything I value in life -- aka my authenticity and my relationships with my family. I feel like these thoughts first came up in childhood when I felt like liking certain things or not being hyperfeminine meant I wasn't feminine enough, and not so much core misalignment or wanting to be a man, but that's what it feels like now. I don't want to be trans or have my life change, but this threat feels so real and so persistent that I can't keep denying it. It's gotten to the point where when I see an attractive man, it makes me think I'm gay, even though I am biologically a woman. I've had other themes that are easier to shake off, but the identity one and feeling like I don't have a sense of belonging is the one that I can't separate from. I don't want to become a man and so badly want to feel connected to my feminine body and identity as a woman, but the lack of connection I feel to it seems like proof of incongruence. My brain has convinced me that I want to be a man and that that is the only way I'll feel aligned or connected to myself, and if I try to reassure myself that I am a woman and just need to reconnect with that part of myself, I'll be miserable and suffering from intrusive thoughts forever.

strike1207

Date posted: 10h

Hi! Take a deep breath and try to slow down. I understand how scary these feelings and thoughts may be but they are not harmful and you’re safe. Even if you became transgender one day you are still you at your core. Let the thoughts be there and you can tell the thoughts that you’ll deal with them later. You can say “Maybe this is an OCD thought, maybe it’s not, I don’t need to know right now.” Sometimes it helps to be a little bit sassy back to OCD as well. Everything will be okay I promise.

cf05

Date posted: 10h

@strike1207 Thank you. I just can’t relax because I would lose my family and they are all I have. I don’t want to have to find community or be accepted elsewhere.

strike1207

Date posted: 9h

@cf05 I understand how you’re feeling. I’ve felt the same way. I don’t know the dynamic you have with your family so I can’t say much but I’m sure they love you unconditionally and would support you through anything. Try to live in the present moment. It’s not yesterday, it’s not tomorrow, it is today and that’s all you need to focus on

cf05

Date posted: 9h

@strike1207 I don’t want that though. The thought of coming out as trans and having them support me is so distressing. It feels like my brain has backed me into a corner and now I’m slowly starting to become a man inside even though I want to feel connected to my body as a woman.

strike1207

Date posted: 9h

@cf05 I’m sorry that you’re experiencing these worries and feelings. You’re okay I wish there was more I could say to help but this will pass, I promise it always does

Anonymous

Date posted: 8h

I just wanted to message on here to say you are not alone. This is something I've been dealing with for years. I am also a woman. I am with you❤️

cf05

Date posted: 5h

@Anonymous Thank you. If you don’t mind sharing, have you ever been able to reconnect with your female body so it doesn’t feel so foreign? The “feeling” I’ve been experiencing lately is less of “what if your trans?” And more of “accept that you can’t run from this anymore.” I can’t stop ruminating because this feels so terrifying and inevitable, and I can’t sit with the uncertainty without feeling like it’s time to come out because my body/identity is going to be a man no matter what. I just want to feel connected to my body as the woman I was born as but my brain has told me that’s impossible because the desire for that isn’t real.

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