Possible to avoid becoming trans?

Has anyone with history of TOCD found it possible to avoid being trans to align with the intrusive thoughts? I’m convinced that my TOCD is actually just a suppression of being trans because I’m scared of it, even though I am trying to remember that just because I’ve always been afraid of being trans and what it would do to my life, it doesn’t mean I actually am trans. I feel dysphoria and can’t stop imagining myself as a man, and my brain then tells me that I like these thoughts. I think I am suffering from depersonalization because I have been completely disconnected from my body for years as a result of trying to cope with this. I even developed an eating disorder as a way of trying to regain control of my life. I always identified as a cis straight woman and had no awareness of misalignment or disappointment in my womanhood when I was younger, I often times just felt like I wasn’t enough (pretty enough, nice enough, accepted enough, successful enough, etc.). However, early awareness of finding women conventionally attractive and fear of being a lesbian has intensified into years of TOCD. I’m in a spiral where I can’t stop ruminating and have spent so much time overanalyzing my whole life that identity feels gray and confusing now, and I’m uncomfortable by the idea of being friends or in a relationship with anyone. I want to be able to see myself as a wife and mom, to reconnect with my identity as a daughter and sister, but these thoughts have taken it all away from me. Like no matter what I think I want, I’ll never be able to happily be in a cis straight relationship because I’ve always been trans underneath it all. I’m hoping I can survive this because I don’t want that to be my life just because I couldn’t overcome these thoughts. I don’t know that I can continue on when it feels like I want something (to be a man) that I’ve always wanted to not want. Thank you.

Emily_24

Date posted: Yesterday

Don’t give up, your intrusive thoughts don’t define you. Hold on to hope as tight as you can and just start taking little steps, doing the next right thing however small. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this, I can only imagine how painful it is. Fight on, fighter, I truly believe there is hope <3

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

OCD is a liar, do you really think that aligning with the thoughts will make them go away?

Kai on the Wall

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

I had TOCD for about 4 years and identified as trans because of it, but I currently identify as a cis woman (I was not aware I had OCD at the time). Are you seeing a therapist for OCD at the moment?

cf05

Date posted: 19h

@Kai on the Wall I am not, I do not have access to this right now. It feels like identifying as trans would provide short term relief to this long term distress I’ve felt, but this is not the life I want to live. I want to feel connected and secure in my identity as a woman, but it all feels so abstract right now and like my mind is telling me my body should be that of a man. What were your experiences like uncovering you’re truly cis?

AnonymousOCD'r

Date posted: 19h

Definitely see a therapist, your ocd is attacking what you value most which is your femininity. That’s why it’s threatening you with these ego dystonic dysphoric thoughts.

cf05

Date posted: 19h

@AnonymousOCD'r I don’t have access to therapy right now, and trying to sit with the discomfort and allow uncertainty just feels like extreme pressure to live out this unavoidable truth. I don’t think femininity is what I value most, as the most important thing in my life is authenticity and family. It feels like I’ve never been truly authentic because I’ve been lying about this, and that I never truly will until I act on it. It’s so impossible to distinguish OCD dysphoria versus true dysphoria because I’m imagining myself as a male and feel like that means that when I’m attracted to a man, I would be gay, but I don’t want this to be the truth. It feels like I want it now and it didn’t before, so it seems that I’ve just now discovered that the distress I’ve been running from was just suppressing the reality I have to now face by coming to terms with the fact that this is who I’ve always been and my fears have come true.

AnonymousOCD'r

Date posted: 19h

@cf05 I would say valuing family and authenticity are feminine values :)

AnonymousOCD'r

Date posted: 19h

@cf05 I think it would be important to know if you have gender dysphoria as well.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5h

Try a total internet and social media detox for 30 days, I imagine you're using the internet to check, reassure, or research on this topic or consume content about it, and you will want to stop using the internet to facilitate all of those behaviors ASAP.

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