Can someone please give me some guidance?

Hello friends, I don’t know how to ensure I don’t do compulsions or do anything that would be bad for my healing journey. Can someone read and help? So, every month my period has been late, and every month my OCD fills my head with the same fear “what if you cheated on your partner and don’t remember. He won’t believe you. Because who would? And you’ll lose him forever” that’s the most prominent thought. Along with “what if your partner had his way with you while you slept” or even worse.. what if someone else did. I’m now technically a day late from when I got my period the last month. I have had a longer cycle then this before. June of 2025. Yes I track that extensively. Here is my dilemma. My mind tells me I should “take a pregnancy test” to put my mind at ease. I have done that before. Knowing I’m a virgin, celibate etc. and yet I still watched that test with immense fear. And when it came back negative (Because yeah of course it did). I started searching it’s effectiveness (expiry dates, if I did it correct.) I know it’s a trap but my god I would love the relief of not being a monster. My mind convinces me every month that I have betrayed my partner. He keeps trying to cheer me up. The doctors say it could be PCOS. As it runs in my family. I have most symptoms. So my partner just thinks it’s that like everyone else. But the doctor didn’t even pregnancy test me. So how can they know for sure. And if it did come back positive. How?! You know. I heard sometimes fake positive tests mean cancer too. So that also scares me. Anyway I have been being distant from my partner. My brain has convinced me I have betrayed him and he is being so sweet to me. And I can’t get the what if’s to go away. And I feel so guilty and stressed which isn’t making my period come any quicker being stressed. I don’t know what to do. Or how to cope. What to do or not to do. I want to make sure I don’t participate in a compulsion. I also want peace. Help.

kalopsiia

Date posted: 11h

I want to give you an example of something similar I experienced and try to avoid giving you reassurance (I don’t mean that in a mean way either, I just know when I was going through a similar cycle with a similar theme, I was ADDICTED to reassurance.) A few years ago, I was absolutely convinced there was something wrong with me vaginally or in relation to an STI. Back then, I had insurance. Instead of using my insurance to focus on more things relevant to my necessary health, I was constantly going to the gynecologist and having exams done as well as labs, and even when they found nothing wrong, I was convinced they had missed it or intentionally overlooked it somehow. I continued this cycle for years, with each unnecessary trip to the doctor only offering extremely temporary relief, even after multiple different doctors had told me my stress levels and mental health issues were likely the culprit for the somatic symptoms I was feeling. (my cycle was also irregular which can very much be influenced by stress, but I do have symptoms of PCOS too, though nothing ever confirmed.) However, rather than pursuing a PCOS diagnosis, or focusing on other areas of my mental and physical health that needed my own, as well as a professional’s, attention I allowed my OCD to waste my time (and access to insurance) as well as the medical professionals’ time on something that ultimately had no merit. With each visit about my fears, I only gained more stress, more questions, more obsessions. Usually within a day/sometimes even the same day as the visit. Neglecting proper treatment that I actually needed. I deeply regret this now, for a number of reasons. I hope you are able to find peace with this theme, and I recommend reminding yourself that medical professionals, while not always perfect, almost always certainly know more than your OCD does. Having a doctor who makes you feel heard and safe is paramount, but I also started letting my OB know that I have OCD and towards the end, I do believe it really helped them adapt to my mental state/improved my experience. I only wish I hadn’t wasted so much time before doing so. Best of luck to you 🫶🏻

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