faith/family problems

Feel really heavy all the time abt my family. My parents got divorced and it’s really hard bc my mom has been mentally abusive and narcissistic like forever but she doesn’t even know she is but has affected me and my dad a lot and so everyone’s just kind of shut off. But I’m still on terms with her but always feel uncomfortable and don’t fully trust her but feel bad for it cuz I love her and then I feel fake when it’s a good day and having fun with her every once in awhile then I’ll get bad anxiety and then I never want to be with her and am reminded like oh this is why so I try to have boundaries. But I know where my dad is coming from and I know exactly why he didn’t want to do it anymore cuz he struggled but made up a lie and it was really bad for awhile but she doesn’t know the real reason cuz she never listens or seeks to understand. And I feel like a terrible person knowing that and guilty but I can’t tell her cuz it’s already done and would make things worse. Am I awful and I liar and dishonest. Makes me sick but she has no idea her narcissistic actions and a lot of people love her but she is really really hard to deal with and I get where she’s coming from too but have lots of trauma that’s affected me my whole life that I didn’t even realizes for awhile. But then still being friends with her I feel like fake but I don’t want to be rambling but it’s hard to explain. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I try to distance myself but I don’t want to betray her but I feel more protected on my dads side I don’t want to pick sides and I don’t think what he did was right either but he wanted to be free from the abuse but it’s hard to explain like should I repent of this I feel in the middle sometimes and don’t know what to do. And she talks bad about my dad to others and he has kept quiet and wants him to pay for leaving and we were always on edge around her and her negativity was such a drag. I don’t know how to deal with narcissist trauma or how I should go about especially with ocd and religious anxiety. Like I feel like I’m hiding stuff from her and not telling her the full story but I don’t feel safe or comfortable being open with her like I do my dad and I don’t want to fall into gossip. But I bond with my dad over similarities and specific situations. Is it a sin to be reserved and if she asks me questions disregard them kind of

AllisonWonde...

Date posted: 22h

I feel like you just described my mom exactly. That’s super tough and I can feel your pain. I’m sorry you’re struggling 🩷

G C

Date posted: 22h

@AllisonWonderland Do you have any advice? Like I feel terrible cuz she wasn’t like a bad mom you know but not really nurturing or soft even tho she thinks she is and she has done nice things for me and I’m grateful for that but I feel like my dad is my mom in that way it’s hard to explain but it’s hard when she doesn’t self reflect idk how to help her. And she always talks abt other people and is so insecure I feel bad bc she’s beautiful but always has to nag on others so on and so forth

G C

Date posted: 22h

@AllisonWonderland Do you still talk to her? Like I want to talk to mine but keep my distance at the same time but feel like I’m being dishonest or lying?? Is that normal and I forgive her I don’t want to hold anger in my heart but idk

G C

Date posted: 22h

and then I still talk to her everyday like a little check in or every few days but then talk to my dad all the time and communicate about her and how to deal with her is that gossiping? If I ask him for advice on what to do bc he knows her too but then I wouldn’t tell her about him I just feel so stuck. And I talk to her about like surface level things or shopping or vacations but she’s hard to do stuff with and I feel bad when I hang with her just so much guilt and idk if I’m supposed to feel that way or not. Like she’s so hard but then I have Stockholm syndrome or something. I just don’t know who to talk to and I pray about it so much but my brain just goes off the walls. Examples growing up/throughout life like if I broke something I felt shame for it or if I made a loud noise or woke her up she would say not nice things not knowing how damaging it was to us. She was always worried abt the stuff in our house getting ruined. Or the mean things she said she didn’t even know she did it or was like I said that OnE TiMe.. like she’s genuinely was being delusional cuz If u said it hurt you then she’s like ?? But then she wouldn’t want to hurt me yk she loves me and I know that but at the same time she doesn’t self reflect or wonder why we are the way we are or when we close off there’s just so many things I could think about and probably will think about more. I talk to her about like fashion and advice on like groceries or if I need advice or help on stuff like that but don’t want to use her just for that but don’t feel safe opening up

G C

Date posted: 22h

Is it a sin for me to get advice from my dad and talk it out with him I don’t want him to gossip about her either but we relate in the same way so it’s hard. Idk how to heal or cope with this. Struggle so bad. Or if I’m like mom did this yada I don’t mean to tell him her problems or personal stuff but it’s probably considered gossiping cuz she wouldn’t want me to but I don’t have Ill intention. But like if I told her my dad lied that would be a whole blow up?? But I don’t why he did it not saying I agree but am I evil for knowing that information but that would be so terrible and make things worse if she knew because she loves to slander

G C

Date posted: 22h

Just yapping cuz the list goes on and on. But I feel bad like if I don’t call her everyday but sometimes I don’t want to but she’s a person too and I feel bad for her but feel so much pressure like I have to be there for her needs but I feel like I’m the parent to her sometimes and emotionally immature. But she struggles too but doesn’t know how hard she is?? Like I just do not know what to do. She gets sad too but then also is not nice about others and always is comparing herself to people or people to other people idek why cuz she’s amazing but has to put others down I just don’t get it

G C

Date posted: 21h

And I love talking to her sometimes when it’s a good mood but it fluctuates (like on the phone cuz I don’t live there anymore). And I get stuff for her to and I want to show her I care but then sometimes she’s like nobody cares whatever yk. But then sometimes she will just talk about herself so much like in person or no one else can talk or if she says something no one can give feed back cuz she just yaps so much then u just sit there like oh now I’m disassociated and then close off again. Or she will also ask like personal things about my friends or people we know and I’m like idk?? Cuz I don’t wanna gossip but then just like disregarding it is that lying?

G C

Date posted: 19h

and is that terrible that we liked when she was gone sometimes because it was such a relief to not stress and be on egg shells? Then when she got home the stress levels were off the charts

AllisonWonde...

Date posted: 17h

Family is always going to be messy, even healthy families! That’s just what happens when people get together and there’s not always an obvious answer on what to do. I do talk to my mother, but I’m very intentional about what I share with her and setting boundaries. I don’t know if you like reading, but I could recommend a few books that helped me tremendously in finding healthy ways to relate to my family. Let me know if you’re interested 🩷

G C

Date posted: 17h

@AllisonWonderland Please do. That would be great

AllisonWonde...

Date posted: 16h

@G C Sure! Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Stephanie M. Kriesberg, PsyD There’s a Hole in my Love Cup by Sven Erlandson, MDiv, BA The OCD Healing Journey by Mark DeJesus Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD And if you like podcasts, the Jeff Cavins Show has a lot of good content around walking in faith and living out our call to honor our family. Hope this helps! 🩷

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