is this ocd

I’ve been struggling with thoughts that I might be trans, even though I’ve never really felt like a boy. My brain keeps trying to convince me that I’ve been “in denial” my whole life. It points to things like how I used to hang out with boys, have “boyish” humor, or pretend to be a boy with my sister when we were younger, and makes me question if those things mean something deeper. I also notice moments where I feel jealous of boys — like when I saw a video of a boy playing Fortnite. It wasn’t about wanting to be a boy, but more about how boys are treated differently. Girls who play games are often judged or seen as “pick me,” and I don’t like that. Sometimes I worry that this jealousy means I must be trans. This all really started around October last year. Before that, I never felt uncomfortable with being a girl. I got really into a fandom where a popular ship was between two male characters, and they got a lot of attention. I started associating male dynamics with being more interesting or “cool.” I imagined myself in relationships where I was more dominant, but still as a girl — I didn’t actually want to be a boy. Then I saw a video saying “I’m a girl but I want to be in an mlm relationship,” and a comment said that’s how someone realized they were trans. That scared me. I started researching and ended up finding labels like “demigirl,” which I tried to relate to, especially since I was in more alternative spaces where a lot of people identified that way. But it didn’t really stick, and eventually it faded. In November, I had a dream where I was wearing a suit and tie, which really triggered my anxiety. That’s when everything got worse. I started constantly checking my thoughts, feelings, and memories. I began having intrusive thoughts about being a boy, which felt uncomfortable and scary. This has been going on for months now and has affected a lot of my life. Even though all of this is happening, I’ve always imagined myself growing up as a woman. I’ve looked forward to being feminine, wearing certain clothes, and feeling confident that way. Recently, when I did my makeup, I felt really happy and certain in myself — but then the doubt came back. What scares me the most is that sometimes, when the anxiety fades for a second, I get a thought like “what if it would be cool to be a boy?” and it feels like a brief sense of desire, which makes me panic. Alongside this, I’ve had a long history of OCD-like experiences. When I was younger, I had compulsions like needing to touch corners or repeat things a certain number of times. Later, I dealt with existential fears, intrusive thoughts about becoming a bad person, and other intense worries that didn’t feel like me. Now, this current theme about gender feels the same in intensity, but even more confusing because it involves identity.