unsure

tw/ death, sexual mentions i joined this platform because im unsure if i have ocd. ive done research and im becoming increasingly convinced i have symptoms. among many things i dont currently have time to get into, the thing that made me look into ocd was randomly throughout the day, usually unprompted, with people or alone, but especially under stress, my body feels a physical sensation of being stabbed, killed, passing out, or sexual sensations which really bothered me. id spend a lot of time concerned that i was predicting something happening. i started to get ritualistic with some things. i am a devout Catholic, and i love my faith more than anything. i had this habit where every drive i would say “Jesus protect this drive.” this turned into very vividly visualizing crashes, and i made sure to say “Jesus protect this drive” multiple times. it feels like especially in religious settings these spike up, which i hate. its made my faith suffer, and then i obsess over existential faith topics like salvation, ive suffered heavily from convincing myself of predestination, meaning ive been obsessed with the idea that im probably destined for hell. i know its not true, which i hate because i feel like im betraying God by thinking this. i know He has the power to save and i trust in His mercy. but i am terrified of death. 2 months ago, my school had a blood drive, and whenever anyone mentioned it to me i physically felt all of the blood sucking out of my veins, like it was being taken from me. im terrified of bodily functions, and the fact that theres organs and a heart and blood floating around inside of me terrifies me and it spikes a lot of my somatic sensations. this has become a multiple times a day thing. i truly only started looking into ocd about a week ago. if anyone has any advice, im definitely open to hearing similar experiences. i have no access to a mental health professional, because my parents dont believe in it and belittle me whenever i bring it up. i still live with them so any help with that is pretty off limits for now. they track my purchases so ive never considered online therapy. my relationship with them is fine other than mocking or neglecting emotional and mental needs. if anyone has a similar experience or anything that helps them, i would love to hear!

Rland7382

Date posted: 19h

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this and I understand how difficult and scary it can be. I have some similar experiences to what you’ve mentioned, especially symptoms that spike in religious settings. That is something I dealt with heavily as a child (mostly harm/existential worries) and it was really confusing and worrying. Especially because I didn’t understand what was happening at the time in my brain and I felt completely alone. It can feel very isolating to have these thoughts/sensations but it honestly has helped me a lot to just know you are definitely not alone in what you are experiencing even if it feels like it. There are also things like ocd podcasts that help me sometimes when I am feeling alone so maybe that can help too. There is one on Spotify called The OCD stories by Stuart Ralph that has tons of stories/info about people’s experiences. I’m wising all the best for you and just know you are NOT alone!

SamanthaRose10

Date posted: 7h

@Rland7382 thank you so much! its definitely helped seeing people share their experiences on here. when it became a lot more frequent, i felt so guilty. however talking about it to friends i can trust and seeing peoples experiences on here make me realize its not my fault, and its not something i choose. and i definitely thought i was alone in it. getting rid of some of the guilt in this way instantly made managing it a little easier even though i still have a longg way to go.

Rland7382

Date posted: 6h

@SamanthaRose10 Experiencing guilt along with symptoms can be so difficult, I get it! That’s great you can talk to your friends about it and realize that it isn’t your fault. OCD sucks and it is 100% not something you choose. You’ve got this!

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