Please help

I need to explain what’s been going on in my head because I’m really struggling and I want this to be understood. Lately, my brain has been trying to convince me that I’ve always been in “trans denial” and that it was just a matter of time before I realised it. It brings up things like how I used to hang out with boys, have boyish humour, and how I pretended to be a boy with my sister when we were little. It makes me question if those things mean something when they never felt important before. I also noticed that sometimes I feel a bit jealous of boys, like when I saw a little boy playing a game and thought about how boys are treated differently. When girls play games, they’re often judged or seen as “pick me,” and I don’t like that. But I’m scared that even thinking this somehow means I’m trans. The confusing part is that I’ve never felt uncomfortable being a girl before October last year. Not even slightly. Everything started around then. I had a big interest in a show and got really into a popular relationship dynamic between two male characters. It got a lot of attention, and my brain started associating “boy x boy” with being more interesting or cool, and “girl x girl” as less interesting. Because of that, I started imagining myself as a girl in a relationship where I was more dominant, because that seemed “cool” in the same way. Then I saw a video saying “I’m a girl but I want to be in a mlm relationship,” and I related to it. But when I read a comment saying “this is how I found out I was trans,” I got scared. After that, I went online and got introduced to a bunch of labels like “demigirl.” I didn’t feel like a boy, but I was also exploring alternative styles and communities where a lot of people identify in different ways, so I thought maybe that was me. But it didn’t feel right for long — it kind of faded. In November, I had a dream where I was wearing a suit and tie. I think it happened because I was already stressed about all of this. That dream really triggered everything, and since then it has gotten worse and worse. Now it’s March and it feels overwhelming. I even tried to “test” how I felt about having a deeper voice, and it made me feel dizzy, anxious, and like I wanted to cry. But even with those reactions, my brain still tells me “what if this means something,” and it makes me feel like I’m losing myself. I was also recently diagnosed, but I keep doubting the diagnosis. I’m not asking for reassurance — I just need to explain what’s happening and hear opinions. I’ve struggled with OCD for a long time, and this feels like another version of it. When I was 4, I had to touch corners or things wouldn’t feel right. When I was 10, I had to repeat actions a certain number of times and had specific routines, or I felt like something bad would happen. At 11, I had constant fears that nothing was real and needed reassurance all the time. I avoided things because I felt disconnected and scared. At 12, I was terrified I was becoming a bad person and had intrusive thoughts and fears about harming others, even though I didn’t want to. Now I’m almost 14, and this current theme is about my gender. It doesn’t feel like normal questioning — it feels like constant doubt and fear. A big part of it is that I’ve always noticed that men seem to get more attention or power, and I think that contributed to some of these thoughts. When I got into certain fandoms, I admired specific dynamics and sometimes wanted to act like certain characters because they seemed cool, not because I wanted to actually be them. Even when I imagined those things, I still saw myself as a girl. I didn’t want to be in a gay relationship — I wanted to be in a straight one, just with a dynamic I liked. The problem started when I saw that one comment and became scared. After that, I started overthinking everything — my past, my feelings, my thoughts. I began constantly checking myself and having intrusive thoughts about being a boy, which made me really uncomfortable. This has affected a lot — my holidays, Christmas, and everyday life. A lot of my memories feel unclear because OCD makes things feel distorted or uncertain. Deep down, I don’t feel like a boy and never have. I’ve always imagined growing up as a woman and liked feminine things. Recently, I even did my makeup and felt really happy and certain about myself for a moment — but then the doubt came back. One of the hardest parts is that sometimes it feels like I “like” the thoughts. For example, I might have a thought like “it would be cool or unique to be a boy,” and for a split second it doesn’t feel bad. Then I panic and think that means something. I’ve realised my brain tends to get very attached to new ideas. When I was younger, I would get obsessed with things like Barbies and want more and more, but the feeling would eventually fade. The same pattern is happening now with ideas like pronouns — my brain focuses on how they sound or how interesting they are, not what they actually mean for me. For example, I noticed I liked the sound of “him” and “his,” or thought combinations like “she/him” sounded interesting. But when I actually imagine being called that, it feels wrong and uncomfortable. I don’t want to present as masculine. I also think my anxiety is making me overanalyse everything, including things I used to enjoy like feminine clothing. It doesn’t feel natural anymore because I’m constantly thinking about it. Overall, this feels like a pattern of OCD where my brain fixates on identity and creates doubt, even though my core feelings about myself haven’t actually changed. I just feel really overwhelmed and scared, and I wanted to explain everything properly.