what’s going on with me - needing advice

I’ve never had concerns about OCD before, and don’t know much about it at all, but by searching obsessively about how to get over certain hang-ups around sex, sexuality and gender, I discovered the term moral scrupulously OCD. The backstory is kind of silly but it’s important to note that I am a sex-averse lesbian who is very political and extremely left-leaning. I like to read fanfiction and a specific type I’ve been enjoying lately envolves two male characters gender swapped. I noticed I was becoming uncomfortable at the thought of the canonically bi male character also being bi as a female, but I suppressed the feelings until 4 days ago, where this exact discussion came up on my twitter timeline and it was very moralised. Now I’ve spent the past 4 days completely dissecting my brain to uncover all reasoning my prejudices against heterosexual sex and casual sex, and also my internalised misogyny. Intellectually I know there is nothing wrong with these things and I am very vocally feminist and am working on being more sex-positive, but I feel like I HAVE to correct my internal emotional hangups because I don’t want to be biphobic. I know these things are ingrained, some things aren’t inherently in my control due to the way society codes misogyny into people, and don’t change so easily, but I’ve spent the past 4 days crying, thinking about this non-stop and obsessively scouring Reddit for hours and hours and hours searching for people who have thought the same things and overcome it. I’ve written two long explanations of my feelings intending to post them on different subreddits for advice. I am struggling to sleep, I am not eating frequently and I am neglecting studying for my upcoming exams because I am feeling so low. I am feeling bad both because the emotional hangups are so strong, meaning I am struggling to enjoy that specific interpretation of that character without feeling (unjustly) uncomfortable and reading fanfiction is one of my main hobbies, but also because of how obsessively I’ve been trying to fix it. I have very low tolerance towards any type of prejudice and I feel so guilty for having non-progressive beliefs so deeply ingrained in my emotions. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me and I don’t know what to do.

unevenhabit

Date posted: 11h

I’m struggling to hold conversations with people because this is all I’m thinking about. I have always been a very attentive person who can easily pull myself out of my thoughts so this is really unusual for me.

JeffTheGiraffe

Date posted: 9h

It’s not inherently wrong to be against casual sex. I hate hookup culture and sometimes I worry if people take offense to my idealistic(?) values but it’s not a knock towards them, everyone marches the beat to their own drum. I wouldn’t feel guilty about your hangups involving sex. The thing that’s better worth addressing is the other stuff like the internalized misogyny. I have a feeling your far leaning political views and possibly the spaces you’re in conflate what’s normal and what’s right and wrong. You’re allowed to feel whatever way about anything so long as you’re not hurting other people. Are there things you should address if they’re worrisome? of course. I just think our brain is the one place where we can be true to ourselves. I say this because you’re being overly hard on yourself and referencing progressivism and sometimes in those spaces (including any political space ever) your values can be warped.

JeffTheGiraffe

Date posted: 9h

@JeffTheGiraffe I also find that the further you go on any political spectrum the more hateful people tend to be because everyone judges everyone for straying slightly off a certain path that sometimes isn’t even objectively right or wrong. I don’t want you to feel that way.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond