OCD has always controlled me

I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, but OCD absolutely controls all aspects of my life. Whether I’m opening the door, practicing a hobby, reading a book, or scrolling on social media, like unlike I find myself going back and forth, scrolling up and down, reading a page, closing the book, rereading the page, closing the book, opening the book, starting from the beginning, turning the page, then turning the page back. It takes me forever to get things done. Turning the shower on, turning the shower off, filling the tub up, having to empty the tub, then refilling the tub. Taking hot showers is one way for me to try to get the feeling to go away, the horrible feeling that I get through my body. The best way I can explain that feeling is nails on a chalkboard, constantly, over and over and over again. Turning the blinker on in the car, turning the blinker off, turning the car blinker on one direction, then turning it on the other direction right after I do it. I constantly do it. Sometimes it’s an even number. It can never be an odd number. Sometimes I have to continuously do it until that feeling goes away. I still struggle with my internal monologue talking to me, controlling me, telling me things, showing me things that I know are not real, that I know are not true, but I don’t want it to happen, so I give in. I spin and turn circles. I blink my eye. I fidget with my fingers. If I bump into a wall, I have to sit there and rub the wall with the part of my body that I bumped into it with until the feeling goes away. If I step on a line, I’m doomed. If I don’t step on a line, I’m doomed. Some days it’s either or. Sometimes, if I step on a line and it doesn’t feel right, I have to go back and step on the line again, over and over again. When grabbing a shopping cart, I feel contaminated. I feel dirty. I don’t feel right. I get that nails on a chalkboard feeling throughout my body again and again. I say phrases and things in my head that don’t even make sense, that are not even part of any type of language, just to make myself feel better. If I get poked in the eye, if I get cut, if I drop my phone, if I hurt myself, I constantly need some type of reassurance that everything will be okay. If someone touches me, if I bump into somebody, I get this overwhelming feeling in my body again, the nails on a chalkboard feeling. I even manifest that they took a piece of me, or that my facial features or my body is changing to look like theirs. I constantly seek reassurance that everything’s okay. Do I look like me? Do I look like this person? Growing up, if someone touched me, I would quickly spit on my hand and try to wipe it off as fast as I could. This was way before hand sanitizer was ever invented. I probably would have rushed to the bottle of hand sanitizer, squirted some out, and tried to wipe it off, but at that time I would be in class. People would touch me on purpose to torture me because they knew that I would do these weird things. I was constantly made fun of, so I tried to hide everything, causing myself pain. If I look at someone, I get stuck in a constant motion of turning my head back and forth, looking at them until I can get that feeling to go away. I even feel it in the back of my eyes. I would do the same thing if the sun got in my eyes, I would look at the sun and then away from the sun until I could get the feeling to go away or if I did it an even number of times Then I dwell on it. Did they notice me looking at them? Did I damage my eyes? Do they think I’m weird? Am I going to go blind? This happens every day with anyone and everyone. It’s another reason why I hate going out into public. Growing older with OCD, I’ve just had to grit my teeth because there are a lot of things that have been asked of me. I’ve tried to conform myself into a regular human being doing regular things, even though it’s so difficult for me to do so. I’ve started my life. I’ve started a family. I’ve built businesses so I didn’t have to work for someone else and have to relive these horrors and expectations of that job. I’ve had to make changes and roll with the punches for so long. It’s been overwhelming and painful, and many times all I can do is think of how relieving it would be for everything to just go away. I’m here on this platform because I seek help, and I believe the best way to help myself is through therapy. Whatever anyone here is struggling with, I promise you, if you just keep going, you will adapt. You will be able to make the life that you want. It may not be perfect, but nothing is perfect, and we all have to work at it. To everyone that is struggling with this demon, I feel for you. My heartstrings are pulled, and I hate that you have to go through so much and live through so much pain.