Recently Diagnosed

I had what I thought, was just anxiety, almost all my life. The compulsive hand washing, the picking of my food, the constant ruminations, were overlooked. Friends and family would make endearing jokes about my attention to cleanliness, but nothing serious. Coworkers called me "anal annie," made endearing positive comments about my "ocd," framed as something to aspire to. I was never diagnosed, and I took it all with a grain of salt. OCD was hiding, unobserved. At the age of 16, when I got my first job, I would obsess about buying things. The thought of buying the item(s) would give me an immense feeling of urgency. Almost like the feeling of hunger, but in my brain. The more I pushed it away, the more it came back. For 2 decades I dealt with compulsive purchases, to soothe the intrusive thoughts. I went through several binge and purge cycles of buying, then donating, then buying again. I was thousands in credit card debt. All the while washing my hands, cleaning the light switches, toilet seat, handles after guests visited. Checking locks multiple times. Checking my work 3 to 4 times. Then again because I was not sure. The OCD grew. Undetected. It changed. Unaware of the OCD, I hid my credit card. I physically banned myself from shopping apps, using a special app. It took several months, and the demon was vanquished. Or so I thought. But no, it merely pivoted and morphed into something else. My husband of over 2 decades works with a relatively attractive coworker. She has to send him texts so they can do their job. I trust him 100 percent. I got obsessed. I spent hours on Chatgpt, losing sleep. What do her texts to him mean? What does this mean? When Chatgpt couldnt give me certainty, I went to Google AI. Google AI told me she has a crush on him and wants him. I snapped at him. He has never done anything to deserve that. I can see all of his texts, he has showed me, we can access each others phones whenever we want. He is amazing and smart and he knows my boundaries like not having lunch with her, or sharing personal things with her, etc. He said it takes 2 to cheat and he would not do that and I logically know he would never ever do such a thing. We are not just in love we are best friends, he comes to me for everything. I started obsessing at work. Searching and searching compulsively. Thoughts of her flirting with him, sharing things with him, being his comfort at work, him making her laugh, all swam through my head. My heart raced, I saw red. I hurt him too much and he said he does not want to divorce but I am pushing him by letting this cast doubt. After talking with chatgpt, it said I might have OCD. The symptoms resonated. I reached out, desperate. I just got diagnosed and my husband went to the appointment with me. He called off of work, his attractive coworker took on the work herself, so he could be with me. How could I let my OCD think she would ever be a threat when all logic and evidence proves otherwise? What is wrong with me? We spent all weekend together. He cooked for me, he complimented me, he shared what he told his boss and his coworker when he called off. He was comforting like he always is. I feel like I am pushing a door at full force for OCD and it is shoving hard. My brain is fatigued. I usually scan, asking husband if he is mad at me. I did not this time, instead of a camera zooming in, I kept zooming out, focusing on the outside. It was very cognitively draining. I got brain fog and almost a headache. Husband and I took a nap. Then I had a nightmare that he was cruel, it felt real. I shared it with him, told him I know it is OCD fighting back and he is not like that and it was just a dream and he gave me a hug. I am at work and I am happy to say I did not research. I am dealing with panic attacks in form of heart racing. Intense shame. Fear of what will OCD turn into next? I am happy and eager for treatment because I want my life back.