Whatever you do, don't fight alone.

@Firefly girl You can talk to me!!!!! What are you struggling with??

@Tea and Honey Just trying talking about it one more time. Maybe I can help. :):)

@Tea and Honey I don’t wanna be stuck in the victim mentality, but I can’t stop being mad at myself. It’s either a victim mentality or I just absolutely hate and resent myself. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like I’m living my life “good enough”. I’m extremely unsettled with the current circumstances of my life whether than is from something within or because I am not living in alignment with my values . I’m sick of people telling me I know what I feel and think deep down because I simply don’t. I’m in love with this guy I’ve had a pretty turbulent relationship with which could partially be rocd related. But I also get crushes so easily and am constantly analyzing who is the one I’m meant to be with should I stay or go. I am ruminating about if I’m making a huge mistake and ruining my life working as a sever in my college town with a bachelors degree instead of living at home and saving money. I stopped posting on tik tok and Instagram and reading and baking and working out and doing the things that make me happy. I don’t know what to believe or what to do or what perception to trust . I’m just so sick and unhappy . I don’t know what my dreams are anymore because I feel like I ruined any chance at achieving them. I just feel horrible and on edge 24/7 all I want to do is sleep and stop thinking but i can’t because i don’t know who i am anymore or what i need or want or what to do and i just feel like such a failure . Its my second week at an IOP program but its not ocd specific because i had attendance issues with the ocd anxiety one so they’re having me start here. I’m not on any meds my family is super against them and doesn’t believe in mental health , or at least that anyone in our family could struggle with it. I’m just so hopeless and impatient I’m sick of feeling so unsettled

@Firefly girl - I've got a lot to write here. When I get a change to get on my computer, I will write a lot more!!!!

@Firefly girl - One thing that I have learned is that OCD recovery is a journey. It takes time. It might be that the people you have talked to weren't giving the answers you needed, but the right help still exists. I am hope you never feel like you are bothering people! OCD actually requires a lot of talking and going back over the same things over and over and over. Progress can be slow, and we often need help in the same areas over and over. So it's not fair if people get tired of hearing from us. They just need to understand that is the nature of the disease. I totally understand what you are saying and can relate. The OCD latches onto to certain things in our lives and makes us cycle through the same feelings over and over. For me, since I have struggled with religious OCD for so long, I have struggled with constant feelings that I am not good enough and must be a disappointment to God. I think the first step is RECOGNIZING where the OCD intersects into our lives. And the second step is TREATING it. In your case, are the feelings of not being good enough stemming from the OCD? Or do they stem from real things (like your family treating you badly in childhood, etc.). It may be a mix of both, but if you can identity that the OCD fuels these feelings, then we can start treatment. Are you familiar with ERP therapy? It can be life-changing. But you have to get the right ERP therapy. I can explain ERP if you want?? It's important to know that ERP is also a philosophy for handling every part of OCD (including the thoughts/feelings and compulsions). You don't have to purposely expose yourself to triggers (the part most people hate) in order to practice ERP. Instead, you can allow the natural triggers and difficulties and spirals of the OCD give you plenty of opportunities to practice the ERP foundational tools. So what would this look like in your life? Good treatment starts with a definition of terms. I think it's important that we define the FEELINGS (such as the feelings of not being good enough) as part of the OCD (just like the intrusive thoughts). And how do we handle intrusive thoughts, etc.? We DO NOT RESPOND to them. In other words, we can notice that the feelings are there. We can ALLOW them to be there. But we continue our lives, just like normal. My NOCD therapist described it like this...Imagine a tree planted by a river. The leaves fall off the tree and float down the river. You can notice the leaves are there. But you don't try to stop them. You don't try to pick them up. You just let them float away. We need to do the same with the OCD thoughts and feelings. We can allow them to be in our heads. We can notice they are there. They can even make us uncomfortable. But we don't do anything about them. We continue to live our lives exactly the same way we would if we didn't feel that way. My mother-in-law calls this "swimming parallel." Your friends might be walking along the nice, sandy beach. But you are swimming parallel to the beach in the cold, choppy water. It's not fun for you, but you are still going in the same direction that everyone else is going. In the same way, we can live our lives, do the dishes, go for a walk, and go see a movie, even though we feel icky inside. The more we practice this, the easier it gets. It sounds like if you are no longer doing the things that you enjoy that some depression might be in there. OCD is hard! I am here if you want to talk ! It takes a lot of talking and discussing and processing. You need the right kind of treatment, but you can get better!! Please message me what your thoughts are!