Whatever you do, don't fight alone.

@Firefly girl You can talk to me!!!!! What are you struggling with??

@Tea and Honey Just trying talking about it one more time. Maybe I can help. :):)

@Tea and Honey I don’t wanna be stuck in the victim mentality, but I can’t stop being mad at myself. It’s either a victim mentality or I just absolutely hate and resent myself. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like I’m living my life “good enough”. I’m extremely unsettled with the current circumstances of my life whether than is from something within or because I am not living in alignment with my values . I’m sick of people telling me I know what I feel and think deep down because I simply don’t. I’m in love with this guy I’ve had a pretty turbulent relationship with which could partially be rocd related. But I also get crushes so easily and am constantly analyzing who is the one I’m meant to be with should I stay or go. I am ruminating about if I’m making a huge mistake and ruining my life working as a sever in my college town with a bachelors degree instead of living at home and saving money. I stopped posting on tik tok and Instagram and reading and baking and working out and doing the things that make me happy. I don’t know what to believe or what to do or what perception to trust . I’m just so sick and unhappy . I don’t know what my dreams are anymore because I feel like I ruined any chance at achieving them. I just feel horrible and on edge 24/7 all I want to do is sleep and stop thinking but i can’t because i don’t know who i am anymore or what i need or want or what to do and i just feel like such a failure . Its my second week at an IOP program but its not ocd specific because i had attendance issues with the ocd anxiety one so they’re having me start here. I’m not on any meds my family is super against them and doesn’t believe in mental health , or at least that anyone in our family could struggle with it. I’m just so hopeless and impatient I’m sick of feeling so unsettled

@Firefly girl - I've got a lot to write here. When I get a change to get on my computer, I will write a lot more!!!!

@Firefly girl - One thing that I have learned is that OCD recovery is a journey. It takes time. It might be that the people you have talked to weren't giving the answers you needed, but the right help still exists. I am hope you never feel like you are bothering people! OCD actually requires a lot of talking and going back over the same things over and over and over. Progress can be slow, and we often need help in the same areas over and over. So it's not fair if people get tired of hearing from us. They just need to understand that is the nature of the disease. I totally understand what you are saying and can relate. The OCD latches onto to certain things in our lives and makes us cycle through the same feelings over and over. For me, since I have struggled with religious OCD for so long, I have struggled with constant feelings that I am not good enough and must be a disappointment to God. I think the first step is RECOGNIZING where the OCD intersects into our lives. And the second step is TREATING it. In your case, are the feelings of not being good enough stemming from the OCD? Or do they stem from real things (like your family treating you badly in childhood, etc.). It may be a mix of both, but if you can identity that the OCD fuels these feelings, then we can start treatment. Are you familiar with ERP therapy? It can be life-changing. But you have to get the right ERP therapy. I can explain ERP if you want?? It's important to know that ERP is also a philosophy for handling every part of OCD (including the thoughts/feelings and compulsions). You don't have to purposely expose yourself to triggers (the part most people hate) in order to practice ERP. Instead, you can allow the natural triggers and difficulties and spirals of the OCD give you plenty of opportunities to practice the ERP foundational tools. So what would this look like in your life? Good treatment starts with a definition of terms. I think it's important that we define the FEELINGS (such as the feelings of not being good enough) as part of the OCD (just like the intrusive thoughts). And how do we handle intrusive thoughts, etc.? We DO NOT RESPOND to them. In other words, we can notice that the feelings are there. We can ALLOW them to be there. But we continue our lives, just like normal. My NOCD therapist described it like this...Imagine a tree planted by a river. The leaves fall off the tree and float down the river. You can notice the leaves are there. But you don't try to stop them. You don't try to pick them up. You just let them float away. We need to do the same with the OCD thoughts and feelings. We can allow them to be in our heads. We can notice they are there. They can even make us uncomfortable. But we don't do anything about them. We continue to live our lives exactly the same way we would if we didn't feel that way. My mother-in-law calls this "swimming parallel." Your friends might be walking along the nice, sandy beach. But you are swimming parallel to the beach in the cold, choppy water. It's not fun for you, but you are still going in the same direction that everyone else is going. In the same way, we can live our lives, do the dishes, go for a walk, and go see a movie, even though we feel icky inside. The more we practice this, the easier it gets. It sounds like if you are no longer doing the things that you enjoy that some depression might be in there. OCD is hard! I am here if you want to talk ! It takes a lot of talking and discussing and processing. You need the right kind of treatment, but you can get better!! Please message me what your thoughts are!

@Tea and Honey This is all very helpful I’ve just lost sight of what’s me vs what’s my OCD and I feel very hopeless I just want to trust and feel like myself again

I'd struggled with long spells on and off with severe depression and severe anxiety since I was 12, now in my 60's. I'd been to a psychiatrist (same one for 13 years) and had four different therapists through Kaiser. It was the fifth therapist from Kaiser who recognized my repetitive fretting and anxiety about the same things over and over, and she's the one who diagnosed me with OCD and sent me here for treatment about 10 months ago. I am SO GRATEFUL that she recognized I have OCD because the description of OCD totally makes sense of my ongoing fear and regrets and doubts about the things that are most important to me. And it just wears on you. But now I know where I stand, for real, and I know what to do about it, practice exposing myself to my greatest fear ON PURPOSE! And then getting used to those feelings and not struggle against them Face them. Recognize them. Still trying to welcome them. It does take away their power, the power to keep me wrapped up in them and just dreading to wake up like I used to. ERPnis working for me because it makes so much sense that I'm afraid of NOT being the person I want to be, and what I want to be better defines who I actually am than the fears that lie to me about that I'm not and never can be who I want to. If you don't mind me saying, God bless you as you go forward in your journey.

@Matt Quelle All this is true!!!!!!!!!!!! This is spot on

@Matt Quelle Thank you I really appreciate you sharing and being here. That sounds like a long journey, and I am really happy for you that you finally found your peace. It really does wear on you. Especially when people you love don’t understand💔

If it's okay, I'd like to ask for a little more advice about decision-making. I know that if I'm struggling with a decision, the best approach is to just decide SOMETHING and stick with it. But with certain things in life it is important to be prepared, and do some research/thinking before blindly deciding something. So lately my decision-making struggles have extended to now struggling to decide how to approach each decision, and which ones I should take more seriously. Which feels a bit silly and I know is just the ocd still. But I also don't want to be careless, especially with big life choices! And ones that carry real risks, even if I'm probably exaggerating them in my head. I find often when I'm overwhelmed with this kind of thing, I end up procrastinating/avoiding (also a compulsion I think?). Which is frustrating because then I feel like I'm not making any progress towards my goals in life, or living in line with my values. As I'm writing I realized the advice is probably the same, so no worries if you don't have anything to add. But I'm going to post anyway just in case, or in case anyone else can relate!

@hola_lola I am so happy to hear that!!! Yes, things will get so much better for you!!!! You have nothing to worry about! :):):)

@hola_lola I totally hear this, and I understand what you were saying. This is totally normal. What's happening is that you've conquered part of of the OCD. And then, the OCD goes on to attacking the "next step", so to speak. This happens to me all the time. In fact, I'm going through a similar thing with the OCD attacking my next steps right now, in multiple places. In my experience, I can't get past these glitches on my own. So it's REALLY GOOD to talk about them!! So ... back to decision-making... Have you ever seen the TV show "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" There is a lifeline on that show where you get to question the audience to get an an answer. The audience will shout out an answer, and it is always the right one. That is because the majority will drown out the minority who has the wrong answer. The right answer always wins. If you have some bigger decisions, it can be really good to talk to a group of people around you. The general consensus is usually the right answer. They can advise you and see the bigger picture, especially, when the OCD keeps us stuck in the minor details.

@4ever4given Want to talk about it?

@090909Kb# I copied this below from NOCD. I'll put a link here so you can read the whole article if you want to. It sounds like what you experiencing is normal for OCD. And the treatment is ERP therapy!! -------------------- Quasi-hallucinations and OCD While hallucinations feel like true sensory experiences that don’t have an external cause, quasi-hallucinations are a bit more ambiguous, where your ability to distinguish reality becomes a bit blurred. Some obsessions in OCD may actually be experienced as quasi-hallucinations, characterized by distorted perceptions of real sensory experiences. “Can OCD seem real? Absolutely!” says Dr. McGrath. He explains that when people have a lower level of awareness of their OCD—called low-insight OCD—they are more likely to perceive visual, auditory, sensory, and olfactory sensations as if they are actually happening. He adds that even when people have acknowledged that they have the condition and understand how it works—known as high-insight OCD—these disturbances can persist as quasi-hallucinations. “Sometimes people with Contamination OCD will talk about seeing germs on their skin, or feeling as though pathogens are boring into them, despite logically knowing that it’s not really happening,” says Dr. McGrath. These intrusive sensations can significantly interfere with daily functioning, making it hard to focus on tasks or engage in normal daily activities. And the distorted sensory experiences you feel can reinforce fears associated with OCD. Struggling to differentiate between actual experiences and the distorted sensations of quasi-hallucinations can also create a lot of confusion and uncertainty, often reinforcing the OCD cycle—making obsessions stronger and more distressing over time. What causes quasi-hallucinations in people with OCD? The exact causes of quasi-hallucinations in people with OCD are not fully understood, but they are believed to arise from several factors: Hyper-attention and sensory amplification: People with OCD are often hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant about their obsessions. And that can lead to increased sensory sensitivity and can even amplify bodily sensations or environmental cues that contribute to quasi-hallucinations. Anxiety and stress: Anxiety plays a central role in OCD, and high anxiety and stress levels can exacerbate OCD symptoms. They may also intensify the perception of bodily sensations, which can contribute to quasi-hallucinatory experiences, as you become acutely attuned to any feelings that align with your obsessions. Cognitive biases: People with OCD often exhibit cognitive biases, such as selective attention and interpretation, that involve focusing on and attaching exaggerated importance to certain stimuli or information that fit with your obsessions. In the case of quasi-hallucinations, for example, you may interpret normal bodily sensations as confirmation of your obsessive fears or concerns, reinforcing the belief that those obsessions are valid. Learned associations: The repetitive nature of the OCD cycle can lead to learned associations between triggers, obsessions, and sensory experiences. Over time, you may come to associate specific sensory cues with your obsessions, resulting in quasi-hallucinations when those cues are present. The distress caused by these experiences further reinforces the association and perpetuates the cycle. All of these complex interactions between your thoughts, emotions, and perceptions can combine to cause quasi-hallucinatory experiences if you have OCD. Thankfully, the right form of therapy can help people find relief from these symptoms and the distress they cause. How is OCD treated? The most successful treatment for OCD is a form of behavioral therapy called exposure and response prevention (ERP). Unlike traditional talk therapy, which can backfire and make OCD worse, ERP — which was developed specifically to treat OCD — is clinically proven to be highly effective in the majority of people. How does ERP work? A trained therapist who specializes in OCD will take the time to understand your symptoms and create a custom ERP therapy plan specifically for you. Starting with something least likely to elicit anxiety — for example, your therapist may simply show you a photo of things out of order, if you have an obsession with symmetry — you’ll have the support and encouragement you need to resist a compulsive response. You’ll be given tools to engage in “self-talk” that eventually quiets the irrational thoughts going through your mind — such as the fear that something bad will happen if everything around you isn’t arranged in perfect symmetry — until your anxiety level declines. Only when you’re comfortable with the initial experiment will your therapy progress so you can conquer bigger fears. The above was copied from ... https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/related-symptoms-conditions/can-ocd-cause-hallucinations-heres-what-experts-say

@Tea and Honey I can’t tell if I’m interested in other guys or if it’s my ocd. I can’t tell if I want to have a conversation with my mom about moving back home or if it’s my OCD . I can’t tell if I hate my job and my life and need to change everything or if it’s my ocd

@Firefly girl That makes sense. Maybe answering these questions isn't important. I think you don't need answers. You don't need to know for sure about any of these things. You just to make a decision about each one (and it doesn't matter if you are wrong or right). I think you as being tortured by INDECISION. And why are you having indecision? It's because of the OCD. The OCD tells you that you are not allowed to make mistakes in life. It says you must get everything perfect, or your future will be ruined. It says you have already irrevocably lost the perfect path in life. The OCD gives no grace. It gives no room to make mistakes and grow. But in actuality, life is meant to be a place where we learn and grow through imperfections and mistakes. ----------------------------------- So let's talk about decisions. I have learned a lot through the years when it comes to decision-making and OCD. When you make decisions... 1.) Try not to take a long time With OCD, we tend to ruminate forever, going over and over and over information in our heads. It doesn't help. Just make a decision. And remember, it's okay if it is wrong. 2.) Don't agonize. OCD gives us a strong FEAR that any bad decisions will lead to future catastrophe. This is just untrue. So we don't need to agonize over our decisions. Remember, it's okay if we are wrong! 3.) Most importantly, don't double check or second guess the decisions. Dont go back over them and ruminate over them. This is soooo important. Once you make a decision, go forward. Don't check it (even if you are unsure that it is correct) ------------------------------- You are showing strength by making decisions. And if you pick wrong, you will grow!!!!!!! In fact, you can kind of hope that you DO make the wrong decisions, because that will maximize your growth as a person. The problem is not that you don't have the answers to your questions. The problem is that OCD doesn't give you any grace to make mistakes. OCD wants you to think that if you move home or stay where you are, something bad will happen if you make the wrong choice. But it's actually impossible for you to know what the better choice is. You can't know what the future will hold either way. What you CAN know, however, is that your future will not be ruined if you make one choice or the other. ---------------------------------- So let's put this in practical terms. 1.) You will decide if you want to stay with the current boyfriend. If the answer is yes, then live by that decision. That means you just ignore the other crushes. It's okay if those crushes float past your mind. And if someday one of those crushes develops into something big, then you can revisit your decision. Otherwise, stick to your guns. 2.). You will decide if you go home or not. Don't worry if you get this wrong!! Don't worry if the OCD is influencing you or not!! You are being tortured by worrying that you could get this wrong .But it's okay either way! Once you decide, you can just focus on making the best out of the situation you are in (and not thinking about the other situation). 3. Make a decision about your job. (And you can kind of Hope you get it wrong so that you will learn!) ---------------/--/--------- Remember, we have to make decisions even though you FEEL UNCERTAIN. We will never have certainty, and that's okay. But we can't really grow until we are solidly moving in one direction or the other. Imagine a boat that is chained to the dock. You can't do much with it. But once the boat is moving solidly in one direction, you can evaluate what's around it and start steering it according to the external things happening to it. I know the OCD is so torturous. I'm so sorry. But it we'll get better. You are brave!!! You can do this!!! And you will gain so much through this journey:):):) What do you think?

@Tea and Honey Well I just got discharged from the program at Roger’s for showing up over 15 minutes late three times🙃 and I hadn’t even made it into the ocd anxiety program because they told me I needed to start with this program to prove I could show up on time . So now I’m back to once a week outpatient which is not enough and leaves way too much free time for overthinking and existential OCD and compulsions and self - sabatoge

@Firefly girl - I'm so sorry to hear that. I would think that they would give you more grace than that. It feels like they can't understand how hard it is to have OCD. It's bigger than what meets the eye. It's an all-consuming torture that goes on constantly in the mind. It's amazing we can out of bed and do anything at all, in a certain sense. Don't worry! You can get really good treatment in other ways. I will link something here where you can take an online course to learn everything you need to know about ERP therapy. I love this site! You should check it out and see what you think.:):) https://www.ocd-anxiety.com/ We can also talk about things here on this app! I would love to help you with any questions that you have. I have dealt with OCD most of my life. I'm here if you have ANY questions at all. I understand that it takes a lot of talking and a lot of processing and a lot of going over things again and again for us to take steps forward. I'm here to help you on the journey. :)

@Tea and Honey @Tea and Honey This awesome advice, especially for me the part about decision-making. SO helpful. Thank you for taking the time to help and show you care. Thanks for Firefly Girl and for is others who benefit.

@Tea and Honey It’s because I’ve been in three different programs with them(this was my third one) and haven’t been able to stay in any of them consistently due to attendance issues that violated their policy. It doesn’t help at all because it just adds to the self blame and only makes me want to beat myself up more because I so badly just wanna be better and have a healthy life and a healthy routine and feel confident about my decision and choices. I feel like someone I love is slowly slipping out of my hands out of my finger fingertips and I don’t know if it’s because of the OCD or because the relationship isn’t meant to last, but it’s so extremely painful feeling like I can’t do anything about it because I’m too afraid to commit and feel the need to entertain other possibilities. Thank you for sharing the free ERP . and thank you for being so patient and putting the time into responding thoroughly to my paragraphs. It really means a lot, and it’s extremely kind of you to do when this has no direct benefit to you. I really do appreciate this so much. I just feel so consumed by this disorder and the indecisiveness that it brings in the inability to be content or at peace ever because nothing ever feels good enough or “aligned” enough. It’s complete torture and it’s so frustrating being in my early 20s as well because I just wanna be living my life, but I can’t because I’m constantly in a state of rumination overthinking about various aspects of my life. I have an appointment with my outpatient therapist on Monday, but I’m nervous that won’t be enough help because it’s only once a week. I’m honestly considering paying for NOCD since they don’t take my insurance. I also don’t know how much of this is trauma related and how much of this is OCD related so I’m not sure what type of treatment would be best. But I really appreciate you sharing that link and I will have to look into it during my free time over the tomorrow and the weekend. Thank you so much again. I really appreciate you being here.

@Tea and Honey Can you also give me advice? This is my story: Sleeping has always been my escape from my ocd thoughts but now ocd has latched Onto the sleep. It feels like my life is over Im constantly in fight or flight scared that Ill never be happy again or never sleep again. Im scared that ill have severe insomnnia and the problem is that this very fear is keeping me from sleeping. And when I finally drift of i become super aware of the Fallingl asleep and get anxious again - not sleeping again. Idk what to do it feels like my life is over and I cant do this anymore its too hard

@Firefly girl - You are so welcome:):) I am so happy to be able to talk to you!! I know you are in a lot of pain. I've been where you are. I'm middle-aged now. And I wouldn't go back to my 20s for any amount of money. It's really, really hard to have OCD--but that is a difficult time in life anyway for a lot of different reasons. Imagine a bowl that someone completely fills with water until it overflows. That water is Grace. And the bowl is you. That is how life is supposed to be. It is supposed to be overflowing so much with grace that there is never an end to it. This means you never have to worry about shortcomings or mistakes--because you are completely loved and worthy no matter what. Sometimes it also helps also to imagine that a friend of yours told you they were going through exactly the same circumstances that you are going through. Wouldn't you have compassion on them? You would see them through eyes of compassion, for sure! But when we look at our own stories, we are hard on ourselves and don't look at ourselves the same way that we look at others. You have to try to look at yourself the same way that you would look at someone else who was struggling deeply. Self-love was something I had to learn on my journey. I didn't realize that I hated myself for a long time. I learned that I had to show the same care for myself that I showed to others. And part of this self-care is having patience with the journey. The journey of recovery from OCD is very, very slow. It consists of baby steps every day. And that's okay! Just remind yourself that the journey will take as long as it takes. You don't have to rush it. It takes a lot of talking and processing and repeating things. There are some lessons that I am still learning very slowly even years after I started learning them. NOCD is really good. I have used them twice. But it is a lot of money if you don't have insurance. There was a mistake and my insurance was denied a few months ago with NOCD. It was a lot!! So it's hard to know what the right answer is there. It's very good therapy, though. Once a week for an hour isn't a lot of time. You would probably need 8 weeks of therapy to get the training you need. My first NOCD therapist told me it would take 6-8 weeks to learn the principles, and then I could just practice everything on my own. He was right. It took me 8 weeks to get the foundation. Basically, a therapist will have you write down a list of the things that scare you (from the easiest things to the hardest). Then the therapist will support you as you practice exposing yourself to things on purpose as a way to desensitize yourself to the fear. There are a lot of tools that you can use as you practice. If it's hard to make decisions, for example, you will practice making decisions. You will make them fast, without thinking too much. And you learn to accept if they were "wrong". You learn to accept that fact that you can never know for sure the right answer. And you just keep practicing until making decisions is easy. The more you practice, the easier this all gets over time. If you had contamination OCD, you would practice touching doorknobs and subway station seats. You would want to get to the point where you don't just touch them, but you rub the whole seat and put your whole hand on it--or put both hands on it. It's like you are saying, "In your face, OCD! I'm not going to avoid this fear. I'm going to embrace it!" This can be very scary and uncomfortable. So we have to learn to "sit" with the uncomfortable-ness. Eventually, the icky feelings will pass. The more we practice this, the easier it gets. I hear you that you are worried about your relationship. That can be tricky, because, like you said, there are both OCD and non-OCD factors that play into something like that. Some of the stress is just from being young and not knowing what direction to go in life. I hear you. And we can keep talking about it! Remember, it's good to just make a decision about that and then live by it :):) even if you don't know the the decision is right:):):)

@Anonymous - I totally hear you! I understand sleep being an escape from OCD (because I have done that a lot). And I understand OCD latching onto sleep. (My OCD has done this to similar things for me.). OCD often can latch onto "body" things like that. I soooo relate. I don't have all the answers for this particular kind of OCD. There might be other people who know more. But there have been some things that have helped me a lot. I'll write these when I get a few minutes more!

@Anonymous Okay, here's a few strategies you could try: 1. Move closer to the symptoms I first learned about this from Nathan Peterson, a licensed therapist. He offers this strategy for panic attacks and the like. Here's the idea. If you are worried about your heart beating fast, for example, you tell yourself, "Yes! My heart is beating fast again. I hope it beats even faster!!" This trains your brain that you just don't care if the physical symptoms are there are not. Maybe you could try this with sleep? You could tell yourself, "Great! I'm not sleeping right now. Is fine if I just don't sleep at all tonight." I've done this with my mini panic attacks, and it helps me. 2. The hyper-awareness of stuff (like of falling asleep) is definitely an OCD thing. I have done this with several things. You are not alone!! ERP therapy can help with this, if your OCD wants to be latching onto sleep. One thing I did is that I made a series of decisions and wrote them down. I don't want to trigger you by telling you what I struggled with. But it was similar. For you, similar decisions would sound like this. A. I will not be permanently harmed by lack of sleep (so if I miss some sleep, it's okay) B. My life will not be over because of this C. Even if I'm really worried about this, I won't be stuck here forever. D. It's okay if I am uncomfortable about sleep. I will just keep living my life. Then, after you make these decisions, you can accept if you struggle, because you know it won't be forever. ---------------- I don't know of these strategies will help out not, but maybe we can come come up with other strategies :):) You are not alone!! There will be things that will help!!

@Tea and Honey Also, OCD is fueled by fear. You can often dispel the fear by ALLOWING or EXCEPTING the outcome that the OCD fears. For example, in your case, you could say, if I end up an insomniac, then that's just fine. If I end up not sleeping, that's just fine. I say these sorts of things to myself during my mini-panic attacks. I actually tell myself that if I die, then that's just fine. My brain has nothing to fear, because it has already accepted the outcome, and I end up doing a lot better.

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much!! The way I got over sleep anxiety before was exactly through romantisizing not sleeping and Telling myself that not sleeping all night would be really fun. And for some reason I actually believed that (dont ask me Idk how I did that lol). And I could sleep perfectly for a year. But last week it was triggered by a very short night and I realized that not going to sleep is actually not great at all and now Ive just been panicking. My Biggest fear would be not being able to sleep for days start to Hallucinate, because Ive actually seen people on reddit Post about Things like that, and how they didnt sleep for Weeks. (Is that even possible? Lol). And the fact that I cant be worried if I want to sleep but Im doing the Opposite BECAUSE i want to sleep is such a mind f

@Anonymous OCD specializes in presenting problems that are just "slightly different" then problems we have conquered in the past. But the good news is that the core of the OCD is always the same. Imagine OCD like an octopus with many arms. Even if it tries to throw a slightly different arm at us, the core of it is always the same. So what do we do with OCD's arms? We treat them exactly the same! Your "New" struggle is just OCD again. Therefore, it's not real, just lift the rest of OCD. It might feel uncomfortable, but you can tell yourself "yay I hope I hallucinate and stay awake for weeks! That's awesome. It'll be an experience none of my friends have had. I'll tell them all about it when it's over!! It will be great!" Tell yourself that you can ACCEPT if you actually stay awake for weeks (which I think could never happen, by the way lol. :);) Tell yourself that If it happens, it happens. It might feel uncomfortable to do this, but do it anyway! You got this !!!!