The past.

I’m not sure where to start but I grew up living with my cousins starting back in 2015 after their mom (my aunt) passed away. I use to be a snitch and still to this day I can’t figure out why I tattled and I feel so awful and horrible for it. One of my cousins brings things up from the past that I clearly remember but I won’t speak up because there’s things she has completely switched on me to make me look like the bad guy and apparently her fiancé has been told things that probably aren’t true. I have apologized sincerely since I’m an adult and remembered my wrong doings (tattling). One event is when I was talking to this guy that I’ve had a huge crush on and finally got his number, well she would come and brag to me about how they stayed in the phone talking and she knew I liked him a lot but to this day it’s like she never done anything wrong. I would like to mention that it’s never up to me to keep a guy from talking to someone else because I was aware we weren’t dating. I just think back at how messed up it was for her to do that knowing I really liked him and he was my first actual crush. Another event is when this boy from camp had like me and I liked him back and somehow the entire church camp knew (him and his brother were the popular guys of church camp lol) and my cousin was jealous about it so she called my grandma and lied and said I ran off with a boy when we all was clearly sitting near each other so you know what she says today? That I’m the one who called my grandma on her. Looking back she was jealous of me for stuff and still to this day in our 20s I haven’t spoken up cause what’s the point. I feel so much guilt to this day and feel like a crazy person if I dare to speak the truth. So keeping my mouth shut seems to help I guess. I forgot to mention that the guy I had a huge crush on in the beginning of this post, she lied to me and told me he said he liked me and to not say that she told me that (that was a lie!) I definitely would’ve embarrassed myself thinking the whole time he liked me back:(. Now back to church camp boy. One time everyone was walking back from the classes and I was walking with him and his friends and I’m looking around just admiring life I guess lol and I was so distracted I forgot I was walking beside him and there’s my cousin, walking right next to him and I politely said let me get over here (not in a rude way whatsoever) and she walked off and said something like “this pisses me” something like that but I knew she was upset at me for no reason. There was another year that some guy she liked had winked at me (he was absolutely not my type at all! Plus I was 14 or 13 and this guy was 18 maybe) she was mad at me for that but kept saying I’m not mad at you (I know how mad she gets) There’s other stuff too I want to say but I feel like all this is so stupid. The only reason it bothers me is because stuff she actually did she will switch around. Yes I’ve tattled on her for stuff as teens and I feel guilty even after sincerely apologizing but she acts like she’s never done anything and like I said I have never spoken up. She has also told her fiance and said that my grandma had us all sit down (me,her sister and my sister) and go in a circle and say what we don’t like about her. I don’t remember tha all but you know what I do remember clear as day? Her rude comments that would hurt my feelings so I would tell on her for it and we would have pep talks as a family to treat one another kindly etc. never did we go around saying I don’t like this or that about you. I blame myself for the cuts she has on her wrists cause she said grandma was mean to her. I use to get in trouble myself and my grandma was mean to me and I remember asking my grandma to apologize to me but her first words is “I don’t remember that” or what are you talking about? I keep everything to myself and the negative things I remember. I blame myself for everything and I am not a victim I guess. To me it’s better to be the bigger person and to never be victim. Sorry this is all stupid

mjr-rust

Date posted: 13h

This isn't stupid at all; these all sound like very rough situations to go through. It can be easy to blame yourself when others do it to you, but you do not deserve to be harsh on yourself at all. It sounds like your cousin has a lot of unresolved issues that she likes to put on others. Maybe working toward forgiveness with her or trying to talk through the pain she has caused you would be something to talk with a therapist about, but the most important thing is that there is no reason for you to blame yourself for what's happened. And I understand what you mean about speaking up. It doesn't sound like you have a very open place to speak about things that have hurt you with people like your cousin and your grandma. Perhaps bring this up with someone else you are close to if it's been troubling you a lot. I hope you find peace and healing with this situation.

abreeclarey

Date posted: 13h

@mjr-rust Thank you so much and maybe one day I can find myself a therapist. I passed my drivers test today thankfully and I have money for a down payment for a car so I have plans to help me heal for sure. I have talked about it with someone close but it still eats at me when my cousin brings stuff up that’s not true and I know if I say anything all I will hear is “i didn’t do that” so it’s best if I’m quiet and just move on. What gives me peace is knowing what I did wrong and what I didn’t do. I’ve accepted those wrongs and apologize to her face cause I genuinely feel bad for my wrongs but I also know I’m not that person anymore I grew up

mjr-rust

Date posted: 13h

@abreeclarey Good job on passing your driver's test! And that sounds rough, it's understandable that it bothers you when she always shuts you down when you speak up. You are the bigger person for acknowledging your wrongs and apologizing for them; I hope she can do the same one day.

abreeclarey

Date posted: 10h

@mjr-rust I hope so too I even prayed for her to. I forgot to mention but my mom said she went through the same thing with their mom which is her sister when they were little. My mom said to accept that that’s just how they are. My mom said that her sister (my cousins mom,my aunt) use to tell her bf stuff to dislike my mom. I feel empathy for my cousin but at the same time I’m bothered by her being blind to her behavior. It has caused me to want to not even be around her fiancé as well. She will still ask if I want to go out with her like today her and her fiancé helped me use their car to past my test cause I don’t have a car for right now. I thank them a lot for the help even though she says stuff about the past.

mjr-rust

Date posted: 10h

@abreeclarey Seems like yeah, it may just be a learned family thing. And don't worry, I have the same complex feelings about a lot of my family members too. I think it's good to both be able to be appreciative of the good things they do while frustrated with the bad ones.

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