Bad flareup tonight. Would like some conversation

Like the title said. This may sound silly, but I left a conversation an hour ago because I wanted to leave that part of me behind. However I realised I may have not deleted a lot of my older messages. That gave me a lot of anxiety as its with a group of people and I worry someone might find an old message that is embarrassing and use it against me. This is very clearly OCD and if someone wanted to use a 10 year old message against me then they would have done it already. But I'm having a panic attack and I'm scared. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm drinking alcohol again. All of this on the eve of my first proper date in a long time. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want company. Because I'm scared and alone right now and I'm ashamed of who I was in the past.

Kat432

Date posted: 11h

You are right, this is your OCD speaking. Along with rumination. Try to take a deep breath and say “This can wait till after my date” if it still bothering you after your date then worry. Delaying your OCD can really help with the stress and anxiety that comes with it. You are stronger than you believe. 🩷

Generiname

Date posted: 11h

I know. I had such a great period where I wasn't worried about anything. That was when I was on my new meds. I think I might ask for a boost next time I see my psych. Because for a time, they WORKED. Right now I feel as if a bomb has hit my insides and I'm struggling to cope with things in a healthy way. It's overwhelming. Thank you for the support, I will try my best to overcome this horrible hurdle.

Anonymous

Date posted: 10h

I have some similar obsessions. It can be helpful to remember everyone says embarrassing things. I know it never feels as simple as that, but it just might be peaceful to consider even if that did happen, the worst case is that you’d still be in the same boat as everyone else - a silly goose who’s said silly goose things.

Generiname

Date posted: 10h

I think it's a little worse than silly goose things. What I thought was funny at the time definitely doesn't translate to what is funny today. Infact it made the me of today very uncomfortable. I think that's why it's bothering me so much. I know I've changed, I know I've put in the work and come out as a completely different human being. But if people were to present it to people now? It would be like it's fresh. And that scares me.

Twiga ❣.

Date posted: 10h

I understand you. Everyone has messages from the past that they wouldn’t want others to see, and that’s normal—it’s just the past. It makes sense that you wouldn’t want anyone to see it. I also notice you might be going back to an avoidance behavior. I want you to know you’re not alone—everyone has ways of escaping feelings they don’t want to face. Maybe you can try to accept your feelings and your past instead of escaping through alcohol, especially since it’s not helpful for OCD. You’re not alone in this—I really understand how you feel. And it’s great that you have a date tomorrow; that’s a positive step forward and a chance to build something healthy. Just don’t let OCD ruin it, okay?

Generiname

Date posted: 10h

You're right, I know you are. It's just hard to process things without alcohol for me at this stage. I did fine without it for so long but now my flareups get so bad again its a constant struggle not to want the sweet release of being drunk. I wish there was a pill that worked this well without any repercussions.

Twiga ❣.

Date posted: 9h

@Generiname I am also the same. I am not addicted to alcohol and I have never tried it in my life. But I understand you. Sometimes I also use escape behaviors when I feel anxious or go through difficult periods. But I am talking to you now, and a little while ago I was engaging in an avoidance behavior. Anyway, no matter what type of coping it is—whether alcohol or anything else—they all have a negative effect on your personality, your emotions, and your mind. Yes, you are stronger than you think, and you are not alone in this.💗🌷

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