You are stronger than you could ever imagine

I have exhibited symptoms of OCD since I was 10 years old, but wasn’t diagnosed until I was in high school. I did ERP therapy for my severe contamination OCD, I got better and had techniques that allowed me to combat my OCD for years. Then this past December everything came falling apart when I endured the most severe flare up I’ve experienced in my life. And it began two days before my last law school final of the semester. I was presented with one of the darkest themes OCD has challenged me with. I felt like all my techniques went out the window and I was starting again from square one. OCD made it feel like it was different this time, this time I actually was in danger. I finished my last final paralyzed in fight or flight fear. I didn’t remember anything I wrote during the exam. After that, I went home for winter break to have some support from my family. During winter break my OCD convinced me that I had to be with people at all times to be safe, which was difficult because I lived alone in an apartment hours away from my support system. I know being alone isn’t scary to most, but I was more than terrified of it, I would sob just thinking about it. I didn’t think I could return for my next semester of law school in three weeks. At that point, I would go with my mother to get the mail, that’s how dependent I was. All I could think about was my theme. But the day came when I had to decide whether to go back to school or not. Law school was my dream, I never thought I’d ever consider leaving that behind. But the all enduring work of law school while being preoccupied by the bully in my brain and being away from my loved ones made me want to stop. Not listening was the best decision I have made to date. After speaking with my ERP therapist before I left home, she said that even though I was combating my biggest exposure very early on into treatment, I could handle it. Life doesn’t stop for an OCD spiral and usually it happens when you’re the most swamped. It tries to take advantage of you when you’re at your lowest and it’s a cowardly thing to do. OCD tried to take away my motivation and ambition for great things because that is what it knew I valued most. Don’t let something you didn’t choose, dictate what you can choose. Everyday is still a battle and I am relearning how to do things I used to do with a second thought. But each day I prove to myself, all the doubt is lies. Thinking you can is half the battle and I believe in all of you and think you can.