I don’t want reassurance but I feel alone

For the past year my ocd has been attacking morals of my loved ones and not me. It’s hard to trust people when ocd makes us not trust our own selves. It’s so hard seeing all of these stories in the news about people doing awful things. Or having secret lives or being a bad person. These things used to attack me but now I’m paranoid that everyone around me specifically my bf is secretly a p*do or bad person or hiding something from me or gay or just not being honest with me. And I get it with other people too. And it’s upsetting because you never know who someone truly is. And how am I supposed to be happy and live a life with someone and create a family with someone if I’m always doubting who they are as a human. I want to accept uncertainty so bad but I’m scared I’ll never be able to and I’ll always be on edge of people being “bad”. I never hear about people obsessing over this and so sometimes it feels like it could be intuition. I know ocd attacks everything. But it’s just a hard topic and makes me sad but then also feel guilty when I’m done spiraling.

Chester/Chet

Date posted: 16h

I’ve struggled with this too. OCD has made me feel suspicious of people I love and has caused me to push a lot of people away over the years. One thing I keep trying to remind myself is to let the thoughts pass and let people’s actions, over time, show me who they are instead of letting OCD decide for me. I still feel alone with it sometimes, and it’s a hard way to live, but I’m trying to trust more and let actions speak louder than fear. Not everyone is hiding something, and not everyone is a monster, even when OCD tries to make it feel that way. We need people, and I think it matters that we keep trying to stay connected instead of letting OCD isolate us.

OCDwarrior3

Date posted: 15h

@Chester/Chet I love this response so much. I needed this ❤️

Just For Me

Date posted: 16h

Hello, I hear you. I hear that you are fearful of who people are, and you don’t trust who they present to be, and question anything that could be a sign of bad intentions or of them being a bad person. I don’t personally relate to this, but I know you’re not alone. Heck, you already got one comment saying they feel the same! I’m sure others would find relief, or something, to know others think this way, too. Based on this being a fear of something you cannot know, I think this is ocd talking. You can never know someone’s full, true nature. Ever. Scary, I know. But it’s true. There are bad people and good people, or perhaps the more realistic perspective, there are people who have good things, bad things, complicated things about them and how it informs their behavior. Anywho, from someone early in their treatment of ocd and learning this myself, it seems the next step would be recognizing your compulsion (mine is usually rumination).

OCDwarrior3

Date posted: 16h

@Just For Me Thank you!!! I have so many compulsions and I’m trying to do my best to not give in but if I give in to one but not the five others I guess that’s a win

Just For Me

Date posted: 15h

@OCDwarrior3 You are so genuinely brave for the work you’ve been doing. YES it’s SO huge that you’re only giving in to one. That’s four types of compulsions you were once doing and now are not! Of course, it’s a revolving door, and learning is not linear. So when perhaps you’re on three of the five, you haven’t lost, you’re just gathering more data and then applying the tools you’ve learned. CONGRATS again on the progress you’ve made! It’s paradoxically huge and seemingly simple when changes like that are made. I saw another post of someone talking about what they’ve realized and learned, and it was so inspiring to do the same for myself.

bonka

Date posted: 16h

I obsess over this as well, so I’m guessing that makes it more likely that it is OCD since it’s another fear of uncertainty. Thanks for sharing, as I’ve also felt alone with having these thoughts.

OCDwarrior3

Date posted: 16h

@bonka Thanks for responding. I hate always feel on edge and questioning the people I love on who they are. It’s hard because when you attack urself you can control your actions as much as you can but when it’s others I can’t control what they do. I don’t want to put my niece and nephew in harms way as well or my future children. I’m just so scared of being hurt by him or any of my loved ones. And I can’t share these thoughts with him because it would crush him and it wouldn’t do my ocd any good. There’s always that voice in the back of my head saying he could have a whole secret life. He is hiding the real him. He’s deceiving you and just so good at it. We have been together for 6 years. It was always the what if he’s gay that attacked him. But ever since my siblings had kids it turned into darker things. My niece who is 3 is absolutely obsessed with him and he adores her but my brain has flipped it into he is good with her because he’s grooming her and will hurt her. I really am trying so hard to not do my compulsions but sometimes I have so much going on in my head that writing this all down helps me release. Because I always feel so crazy. I analyze his behaviors and everything he does and it’s so exhausting. I just want to be happy but I’m worried it’ll never go back to normal and this will always be in the back of my head.

Kmeji17

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

I know how you feel. My ocd attacks my boyfriend because of his past mistakes. I thought I was the only one dealing with this since ocd mostly attacks you personally. But in this case it attacks the ones I love. Thank you for sharing this.

OCDwarrior3

Date posted: 15h

@Kmeji17 I thought I was alone too…. And since it’s not talked about a lot it makes the thoughts feel like they are real. That you need to trust your gut about people. I’m always here if you need to talk.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond