SO-OCD after severe conversion attempts

I am a gay guy, or at least I think I am, but I've always had intrusive thoughts about women. Not just that, but about other things in general that to me are horrible such as stealing or murdering, ever since I was a kid I had a history of depersonalization. But then I was able to accept myself as gay and lived comfortably with that, ignoring intrusive thoughts. But then... I was directly told to consider looking at women differently, and that "signals were always there". The self tests have been going on for two years now, but it just.... Never worked. Never works, but it feels like just one more time it will work. It never does. I just wanted to be able to dream about having a boyfriend again without any of this. Anytime I stop the checking, eventually a panic attack ensues, because images of women constantly pop up in my head and I constantly try to stop the checking by answering "maybe yes, maybe not". My nervous system got so tired of it it started avoiding women and trying to go towards the nearest man, including imaginary presences in my head. But I've gotten so used to testing that it got itself blasted even on that. I do not know what's real and I'm so fucking tired of people trying to tell me what's real or not. Telling me that my feelings for men were just a result of autistic hyperfocus. I'm exhausted.

Michael N

Date posted: Yesterday

I’m a gay guy, too, and have been with my husband for 39 years since we met in our mid-20s — but, guess what, I can still have sexual thoughts about women, especially when someone appears young and a bit androgynous. I think sex and making love are very different — one can last as short as a few minutes sometimes and is selfishly about me, the other can draw me out of myself into a sublime oneness with another person that can last a lifetime. If it feels right to seek that living relationship with another man, then it’s easy enough to label the other thoughts about sex with women or questioning your own sexual identity as OCD lying to you. Once I call out a thought as OCD (and I often challenge myself to say that out loud), then it loses some of its power and “realness.” In any case— you do you! You’re the only one who can. You’re not broken, there’s nothing that needs to be fixed. You are lovable exactly as you are! Peace!

UmbrellaBenjami

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey there! Sending hugs for you and your husband, hope you are in a great marriage! I do understand that, and thanks. It's difficult because this OCD in my life was very very darn deliberate after what I realize was a lot of gaslighting and self-inflicted conversion attempts. Anytime I go on without checking and stop feeling anxious about it, PTSD kicks right the fuck in because I have an innate fear others were right about my thoughts. But yeah, I shouldn't have attempted to fix myself. In fact, I just feel like the person and the values I was able to hold without question before, all of that, I just miss being that guy very much a lot. OCD loves to pick my utter discomfort and derealization as "comfort" when I actually can't even fucking stand the fantasy yknow.

Mercury75

Date posted: Yesterday

No one knows you as well as you know yourself, and you can choose to interpret your thoughts and feelings however you want.

UmbrellaBenjami

Date posted: Yesterday

Thanks. Had a real hard time with people who think they know my feelings better. They made it freaking worse.

jpell0w92

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey 👋🏻 hope you’re feeling better and thank you for sharing! One thing I’ve learned in my journey as well, is (I’m a gay guy) 33, is that any form of OCD or subtype can make you question(self), this is very very common with sexuality/gender and identity related themes, for instance I consider myself gay as well, and I know I have POCD related intrusive thoughts, but I often find myself asking myself “am I gay” “but am I my worst fear and thoughts”, no I’m not because ocd is trying to blur the lines of reality with irrational thoughts about(self). In short it’s OCD feeding off your questioning of yourself.

UmbrellaBenjami

Date posted: Yesterday

Yeah, I have been having those POCD thoughts too, but OCD tries to make it seem like "it would feel nice". Not just that, but I tend to have intrusive thoughts about all the worst things too and OCD loves to make it "seem nice", just "vibe nice" when it makes me freaking uncomfortable. In fact.... One denies the other. Cause I feel the exact same thing with all kinds of intrusive thoughts, I hate them. The only real difference with soocd and other intrusive thoughts is the fact that I forced myself onto that out of guilt to the point it pretty much broke me. That's why I said it was conversion, it was pretty much conversion therapy.

Michael N

Date posted: 17h

I get POCD thoughts, too — often with a twist that I wish I had sexual encounters with older guys when I was a kind myself. It’s like I feel robbed or jilted from something that would have been illegal, immoral, and destructive — or that it might actually have occurred — either way, it makes me so disgusted with myself when I find such thoughts somehow hot or alluring. It all totally sucks!!!

UmbrellaBenjami

Date posted: 2h

I get you, it feels like I depersonalize so easily I forget my own face. This I think pretty much applies to every type of OCD. It makes the person lose themselves completely.

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