My story

Hello, i dont want to share my name so i will use Sparkle as my nickname. I was diagnosed 7-8 years ago. My first therapist for 2 years just chatted with me during sessions. First she did ask about OCD and my rituals and she just sent me breathing exercises to try. She did not help me with my OCD. (I am very mad at her for not being able to tell me that she doesnt specialise in OCD and suggest me a specialist who could actually help me. No. She just took my money) My second therapist for half year got into deeper into getting knowing me and my fears and so on but when the therapist saw how bad it got for me they offered me another specialist to help me. (I respect her for telling me that my case is too difficult for her and she cant help me so she offered someone else) My third therapist did EMDR therapy with me for a year and more. Never felt anything getting better. I didnt know what exact therapy i needed. Just a week ago i joined a facebook group and saw that a lot of people are talking about exposure prevention therapy and then i talked to chatgpt and googled stuff and it said that EMDR isnt the main therapy that can help me with my ocd.. i got really mad at my therapist but also at myself. I should have googled what exact therapy i need. I guess i just trusted my third therapist to know whats right for me. I havent been to therapist for two months now and to be honest im not doing too bad. But a lot of stuff has changed in my life so maybe that has affected my ocd appearing less for me. But when it does appear i tend to freak out more. As far as i can remember my ocd appeared in school. I remember i used to zip back and forth my pencil case or my backpack. I never actually knew at the time that that is OCD. (I used to zip till it felt “right”). I actually for 2-3 years just thought i was insane or mentally crazy because i never saw or noticed anyone doing the things that i did. So i thought i was crazy. I remember that i used to plug in my phone charger into the wall plug and i would repeat it. I started worrying that i would break the plug so instead of repeating to put it in i started to scratch my fingers/hand/palm with the plug tip till it felt “right”. It did lead to me getting hurt. I remember i used to cry every single day. So yeah i thought i was going insane because i never saw anyone do this as well. I used to brush my fingers on the door or a wall. Sometimes i would smash my hand or fingers on wall or door till it felt right. When i say smash or hit i never did it hard. I just did it not hard but i did it so much that it just started hurting after a while. Then i remember Before laying down on my bed i would ALWAYS swipe with my hands the covers to remove and crumbs or anything that i could feel when i lay down. Because if i would lay down and feel idk a crumb i would get up again and swipe the bed sheets till its soft/clean. Then i started clicking random stuff like pens, light switches, anything that is clickable. My parents noticed all of the things i did and would tell me “stop/what are you doing?/what is happening?” they didnt understand and neither did i. My parents dont understand english so they couldnt find any information online on what was up with me. My mom told me (when i finally asked for help) she said “i did notice that something was not right and i tried to google stuff like “repeating actions” but she would google in our native language and there was no information online that. THERE IS BARELY INFORMATION NOW AFTER SO MUCH TIME HAS PASSED. In english yeah there is tons of info on ocd but in my native NOPE. Anyways. HOW I FOUND OUT WHAT OCD IS. One day i was scrolling on tiktok because i didnt really do anything else. And i came up to a video that said “a day in my life with ocd” I continued watching because i like the “a day in my life” videos but i didnt understand what ocd meant so i watched to find out. And as i was watching that girl.. i FINALLY saw someone who does something like i do. I remember i started crying. I started googling and looking for information on OCD and i read so much stuff on that day. I was relieved that i finally knew that i wasnt alone. THAT I WASNT CRAZY. And that i can finally get help??!! I was really scared to go to my mom to ask for help though.. Because i didnt know how to say all of this information to her. But that day late at night i woke her up while i was crying. She got so scared from my crying and well i woke her up and i said “there is something wrong with me. i need help” and she instantly said “shh dont cry, we will get you help tomorrow morning” She held me while i was explaining about what OCD is and she told me that she did notice me being not okay and she tried to google. She said she felt so bad that she never helped me sooner because she didnt know how. She tried googling but as i said before there was no info. I didnt blame her and i never will that she didnt help me sooner becase i myself didnt even know what was happening to me. Anyways my life was very stuck since covid and ocd hit the most then. Since then this christmas i moved out with my boyfriend to live together! and we were dating for 2 months when we moved out to live together. Yes for most people its insane but for both of us it felt right and it is going well. Anyways so it was a huge change for me to move out of my parents and i did notice that my ocd has been like 50%+ better when i moved out. I do experience less rituals daily but when i do experience them i freak out and panic more than before. Maybe because my brain thinks “oh im getting better” but when ocd hits im like “NOOO ITS BACK”. Also its been 5 months with my boyfriend and we got a chance to get a house outside the city to renovate and live together. AND I AM SO EXCITED but.. the one thing that worries me. Is ocd. The ocd with bugs. I hate bugs. I am scared of them and grossed out on such level that i will start spitting when i see one bug and the spitting as i said can lead to me gagging oh forgot to say i force myself to gag and then from gagging i do throw up sometimes. I hate it. Its a new ritual the gagging and throwing up. I HATE IT. Anyway. Im scared of moving out the city because my boyfriend said that if we do live in that house he will want to have plants outside and inside and plant vegetables and so on and that i would have to help him because he cant do it alone but he loves the idea of growing our own veggies and fruits. I dont mind working. I hate what comes with it = BUGS. Bugs like fly and mosquitoes dont trigger me. They are annoying but they dont trigger my spitting. What triggers it (even hearing or reading or writing the names of the bugs) are worms and similar things to worms (i forgot how they called in english) then, spiders. These trigger me the most. Even now im writting it my body is shivering i feel grossed out. But i want to overcome this because i want to move out and live in a house close to nature even though i am scared of nature (nature=bugs). Nature is so beautiful and i wish i could just sit outside on grass or have a picnic but the thought of bugs getting on me or touching my food?? or getting in my mouth??? I cant stand the thought. I was always scared of bugs. My brother did scare me a LOT once when i was 5 years old i think. He loves photography and he loves taking good quality photos of small things so.. bugs mainly. So he asked me to come to his room to check out his photography and he traumatised me xdd I ran into his room seeing a HUGE zoomed in picture of a big fat hairy spider that probably was pregnant i dont know anyways. I started screaming and ran out. After that i remember one more incident. When i was 13 years old idk somewhere around there. My mom or dad boiled me pasta. And i LOVE pasta. They put the pasta in my bowl and i grabbed cheese from the fridge to pour it on pasta when i saw a larva or idk its like a small worm idk if im saying it right. Im scared to google it because it disgusts me a lot. These are the worst ones of the bugs. And when i saw it in my pasta i felt so grossed out i told my parent to throw it out flush it down the toilet whatever and i stopped eating pasta for a year. Since then i ALWAYS check every pasta or anything to be honest for bugs in food packaging before making food. Since then my spitting started. Anyways i am gonna start ERP therapy with my boyfriend today. He will help me. I wont do it alone. I cant find a specialist in my country so im gonna start slow at home with my boyfriends help. This is very long i dont know if anyone will read to this far but i hope we all get better and live our lives to the fullest 💗