Today - not my greatest

I’ve noticed that when I don’t hold myself to my inner conscience or morals, when I stumble over a sin, when I choose to do something reactionary in the moment, when I choose to do the wrong thing, my OCD gets worse. I notice it also gets worse when there’s high stress. My family and I are moving hours away. Better paying jobs? Maybe. But with the loss of my job due to an acquisition, finding a new one led to a major move for us. And now I’ve led my family into moving from almost all of our friends and family. And it’s starting to surface, that inner turmoil I’m sometimes unaware of until the symptoms show up. Couple that with some moral stumbles, and you’ve got me and OCD boxing each other like it’s the heavyweight title match. Here’s my plan: I know I’m not a good man by any stretch. I know I’ve wronged against my Lord many times, probably many times everyday. But, somehow, He still loves me. So I’m going to run back toward Him. I’m also going to fight OCD by thinking about what I know to be true, not what I guess or can come up with in my brain, not some disaster that I’ve previously consumed myself with thinking about as if it’s destined to happen. Then when the compulsions come calling, I know sometimes I’ll answer. I’ll pick up the phone so to speak and have a chat with them, play their little game. And then I’ll snap out of it and say, “Bruh, you might be lying; you are fear; you are not based on truth or righteousness; you are an enemy; I do not want your fear-mongering and incessant games and worry; you are not being helpful at this time; accordingly, you can take a hike and come back when I want to use your services for something beneficial. For now, I’m going to resist your worries and your temptations and your doom-and-gloom effect on my life.” I know we’ll do some more battles. I know we’ll meet again. I see my OCD everyday; sometimes it seems like the first thing that wakes up with me and the last thing that goes to sleep with me. But I’m not done; and I’m not OCD. It’s there. But it is not all of me. It is not what I am here to serve. I’m having a tough time lately. Lots of stress that I don’t realize is there is perhaps beginning to surface. Combining that with some bad decisions is a recipe for a battle. But I have been here before. I have battled before. I must trust that God, that my Savior still loves me, and that in Him there is victory. White-knuckling this won’t do. I’m taking this to the Lord, and I’m going to punch back by honing in on good choices, resisting compulsions by resting in the unknown that OCD preys on. I don’t know what’s ahead. Maybe it’s wonderful. Maybe it’s worse than OCD says. But in the end, I am hoping that faith in Jesus, that redemption in Him will grant me what I do not deserve: eternity with the Lord. I also know that OCD’s vision of the future is never a good one. And I don’t think it has 20/20 sight. So I’m going to let those thoughts roll on and keep going out the door. And I’m going to usher in new, better thoughts to fill the room with. Stay in there, guys. The battle rages, but in Him, it’s already won.