Existential OCD

This isnt existential ocd regarding my purpose or why im here. this is more how do I EXIST and why cant I feel real again like I used to go about my day without feeling this or thinking this. About 2 months ago I fell into derealization. I have anxiety so im pretty used to that feeling. But then I noticed my mind started fixating on it and tried its hardest to pull itself out of it. I tried so hard that I started to question my existence and the things around me. I would cry and spiral and be scared that I didnt feel real and everything felt very dream like and disconnected, like my eyes were closed but my mind was on and I was able to see but very static tv like. Now I get these episodes and its always a thought in my mind if Im real but now I feel numb to it. I dont feel any emotions anymore and I can only feel my heart beating fast. But i cant feel. I feel like I could walk through a dark forest and not be scared because it all feels fake and not real and that I wont react to it. Its to the point where i dont even feel the comfort from my family or my boyfriend because I dont feel real and i feel disconnected like if im even still human and alive and here. anyone else feeling things similar? its so bad to the point where i feel like an orb thats just here. it makes me feel hopeless i cant even enjoy life like i used to. idk how i got to this point in 2 months. my memory is poor cause of it. like i just dont feel here (sometimes i wish i could deal with a normal ocd thought instead of not feeling real and not being able to feel. i wish i could stress over school and not stress over my existence)

Nightwing98

Date posted: 13h

I have definitely been there. I still have moments. I’m kind of in one right now. Big life transition is coming up. This is not your permanent state. The more we train our minds and bodies to function regardless of our state the more we can get relief. I think of it almost like Devil’s Snare from the Harry Potter series if that metaphor makes any sense.

Nightwing98

Date posted: 13h

@Anonymous I hear you, there is no doubt that it is uncomfortable. Have you tried any grounding techniques? Not to make it go away, but maybe bring it down just a touch.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12h

@Nightwing98 its gotten so bad to the point where grounding doesnt work. i feel like im going insane

Nightwing98

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous That is such a hard place to be in. I’m sorry you are going through that right now. I’m not a therapist, so I won’t attempt to give you further advice there or reassurance. But know you are not the first to go through this :) I’m saying a prayer for you now.

Anonymous

Date posted: 10h

I'm sending you SO much support. I've also dealt with chronic derealization and I'm in an episode currently, so I relate. It's often the first symptom I experience when anxious and it makes me feel like I'm losing touch with reality. That causes a spiral into doubt and fear and panic, which only worsens the dissociative feelings. My vision gets weird/blurry, my head feels pressure and it's like there's a wall between me and everything else..I feel confused, it's awful. But I promise you will get through this in time. I found this podcast episode earlier this week and it's been really helpful to hear someone talk about it so clearly. Maybe it will comfort you: https://theanxioustruth.com/derealization/ Hang in there and try to remind yourself that you can handle discomfort.

ilovemycatsm

Date posted: 9h

i’ve felt the same way and it’s definitely something hard to get over and sometimes i still even feel like i’m not even here or im in a fake dream like state, doing things like going out spontaneously at night or seeking events and doing stuff to make me feel alive helps fight that derealization, especially being social

Anonymous

Date posted: 9h

@ilovemycatsm same i think nowadays i either have a really good day, or bad day!

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