How to respond to less-than-supportive friend?

Looking for advice on how to handle in a healthy way something that I just realized has become a miner obsession. I was diagnosed with OCD a month ago, which came as a complete shock to me. During the diagnosis when I was supposed to think of names of people I could turn to in a crisis, only one name came easily, Laura. Ironically, I have received massive support from two people I didn’t anticipate being supportive: my husband and a coworker, whom I reluctantly included on my emergency plan. But Laura has not been supportive in the way I had hoped. We’ve always discussed life’s big and small problems with mutual support, but I masked my worst OCD worries, so she really didn’t know what I was going through. But now she seems disinterested. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive because of ROCD (one of several themes I have), or if she’s just so unaware about OCD that she doesn’t realize how big this is. Whenever I mention it, she sounds bored. The. She switched topic to something minor in comparison. I don’t expect the conversation to be all about me, but I want to feel heard. Last week she was texting me about a relative whom she suspects is autistic, saying “that means navigating life for her is harder than for you or me.” Now, is she had said “most people” instead of you or me, I would have agreed. I have close family members/friends who are autistic and am very familiar with the struggle. But specifically comparing that to my struggles triggered me. I responded with “I know you weren’t trying to minimize my experience, but hearing ‘she has a harder time navigating life than you or me’ was unexpectedly painful for me. OCD has actually affected almost every part of my life in ways most people haven’t seen.” She accepted what I said, saying that since I looked normal people assume I am. The. As I was Sharing statistics about OCD, she turned the conversation to a movie about Alzheimer’s. 🤷🏻‍♀️ We talk every Sunday morning. I told my husband our conversations are getting more awkward as she doesn’t seem interested in my OCD, and that’s such an overwhelming part of my life that I struggle to think of anything to tal about. So now, how to handle this in a healthy way: 1. Keep going as I have been, mentioning my OCD in conversation but also trying to think of other things to talk about? 2. Confront her on how I feel about her lack of support and suggest she learn more about OCD? 3. Tell her I need to cancel our weekly phone calls until I move past this initial overwhelm with my OCD diagnosis? We’re scheduled to talk in about 90 minutes.

sophea

Date posted: 3d

If you've always had open communication and this seems out of character, being very direct about you feel seems the healthiest option. I certainly wouldn't cancel your phone calls without communicating your needs one last time. Don't be too accusatory; you don't want to make her defensive. Using I statements and focusing on how you feel and your needs goes a long way.

coriqo

Date posted: 3d

I agree very much on the "I" statements and not being too accusatory or confrontational, though I can 100% see how dismissive some of her comments were, I wouldn't "suggest she learn more about OCD" as that can very much come off as trying to circulate her life around OP's experiences even if it is a good thing in general to be more aware of how mental illnesses can manifest and affect people

Lori F

Date posted: 3d

Well, now I guess I don’t have to worry about talking to her. She just told me she wasn’t available at our regular time. This is the second time in two weeks she did this. Last week we talked later in the day, and we may do that today too, but my ROCD isn’t believing her when she says she really wants to talk. Her excuse seems flimsy. She has lots of cooking and baking to do. She is often cooking while we talk! And a couple weeks ago she was preparing taxes while we talked! (Which was awkward.) we have been friends for 7 yeses, but we did go several months once without talking because she didn’t like how I handled something. I’m feeling myself start to spiral. Gonna try the techniques I’m learning. Ug.

Jessica B.

Date posted: 3d

@Lori F I have two theories. The first is she has no idea what OCD actually is. Before I joined for BFRBs I thought it was more like repetitive handwashing and counting. And I consider myself well educated about many other mental health disorders. The second is that the topic of OCD makes her uncomfortable for some reason. She could suspect that she has it. Or mental health topics might make her nervous, especially because you were close. I’d let her set the pace in when she wants to reach out to you. I’m glad you have two other people who are being so supportive. I hope things work out, but it’s normal for friendships to rotate in and out in adulthood.

Lori F

Date posted: 3d

@Jessica B. Yeah, I had no idea about OCD until I was diagnosed. We didn’t wind up talking today (she cancelled), which sent me into a spiral, but I practiced my techniques and made it through, though still exhausted. Later she texted me saying she was feeling sad about something happening to another friend. At first I wasn’t going to respond to it but the. I realized that was avoidance so, instead, I responded with “I’m sorry. I’m really not in the mental space right now to be there for you like I know I should. I had an OCD episode this morning that has left me feeling mentally exhausted.” She responded to that with, “I’m very sorry you experienced that. I’m sure you’re having a harder time than me.” I am at peace, but tired.

Jess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

@Lori F Hey friend something I have learned with taking to my own best friends… and it hasn’t been perfect… trust me! Sometimes OCD can make it feel like unrelated things are connected when they might not be. But our minds are naturally wired to look for patterns, especially when we feel uncertain or anxious. The important thing to remember is that other people also have their own lives, stressors, relationships, and responsibilities that we don’t fully see. Those things can affect how they show up, and it doesn’t always have anything to do with us or our diagnosis. When we have OCD or anxiety, it can be really easy to turn uncertainty into a story that feels true… like assuming someone is pulling away because of us .even when we don’t actually have enough information. The mind fills in the gaps, but those interpretations aren’t always facts. A helpful example is something like being cut off in traffic. We might immediately think, “That person is rude or doesn’t care,” but there are actually many possible explanations we don’t know about like maybe they are going to check on a loved one who needs help, or their wife if going in to labor. Most of the time, we don’t get full context in life, and we have to learn to sit with that uncertainty instead of locking onto one story. This doesn’t mean OCD isn’t real or painful …it absolutely is, and it can be extremely hard. But part of managing it is noticing when the mind is trying to create certainty out of uncertainty, and gently reminding ourselves that we don’t actually know all the reasons behind other people’s behavior. At the end of the day, we can’t control or fully understand everything going on with others. What we can do is try not to treat assumptions as facts, and allow space for uncertainty without jumping to conclusions. This OCD thing is hard sending you support wherever you are.

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