recent brake up

I recently got broken up with, this has been my 4th brake up this year with the same person I've been with for 3 years, I've my time of being with her I was cheated on about 4 times and we brake up but she be the on leaving me I wouldn't brake up I'd try to get to understand why and comfort her, I felt I knew she loved me and jjstvwas action out out of trama from transitioning MTF and from her past partner cheating on her, and bc if this it really made me obsesse over her an what she was doing and constantly checking my social medias for annomanouse txt form people I didn't know and checking her fallowing or her PC to get on her discord,bc of then it course me a lot of pain, there be times I find nothing and felt I should just trust her and so I'd let my gard down bc everything was good when then I'd feel it's all too good to be true and that something going to go wrong and it got the point she found out I www on her PC and she changed passwords for that and her phone and told me I just wanted to manipulation and control her when I'd ask her to not talk to someone or tell her I didn't want her friends with someone she talk to like that (as in flirty) and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't respect mento block people I didn't like her taking to but I'd do it for her instantly and the resin she does it would go back to when I wouldn't block my ex before her bc her bills were in my name and we had to stay in contact to pay those bills,and I later block her once we got that situation taken care of so it shouldnt have kept being a issue to her after, and when we have fights and she say we can't fix the relationship and she always blame me saying I always lied and was a bad partner bc I was a lier but I lied once over hanging out with a friend and she lied a bunch and cheated a lot so it hard bc I felt like I was the problem like I was always fucking up an so I'd be careful tip toe around and find ways to coap but it was all in healthy tell I decided I'd go back to art and drawing again bc it was hard to when my art wasn't appreciated at all and she choose to appreciate the girl I told her to block art over mine and it made me so jealouse and hateful over her art thinking it was bad when I believe all art forms are good but bc I grew to hate so many random girl I just couldn't help my self butbid always keep the thoughts to my self and it made me feel like such a bad person and like people will find out I'm actually a bad person when I don't feel like i am and when I'd slip up and decide to be mean to my partner now ex she call me a bad person when I was just givjng her the same passive aggressive treatment and tone she give me It's all hard and I miss her but I feel also happy I'm not there anymore bc she really didn't treat me well and now I don't have to worry about if I'm going to upset her from me interrupting for me forgetting to change my tone for me blanking out or dissociating, but I still feel lonely and like I want the cute relationship stuff but I also don't feel ready for the emotal parts of a relationship so I've avoided trying to get to close to people or downloading apps bc I want to for once focus on me.