Advice Needed! How to accept it’s not your fault?

Hello! Me and my boyfriend are both diagnosed with OCD and have dealt with our respective subtypes together pretty well for the most part. A big thing that I am struggling with is his lying. He tends to lie about things he’s scared to admit he didn’t or couldn’t do. For example, when we were in high school he would often lie about how he did on tests or homework to essentially save face. He also struggles a lot with admitting defeat or that he needs help and will lie for those reasons too. We’ve had many, many conversations about this and I know rationally that his lying isn’t my fault and is just a result of himself and his brain. For me emotionally, I can’t really shake the feeling that if I was just a better girlfriend and he trusted me more, everything would be okay. Again, I know it isn’t because he distrusts me or my potential reactions. I just can’t help but blame myself. We’ve been able to work through a lot together but not this and my brain is very unhappy about it. Does anyone have some advice on how to support my boyfriend through this issue and/or how to come to terms with the fact that this issue isn’t my fault? Anything is appreciated :) Even some perspective from others with the same issue as him would be lovely to hear!

idolent

Date posted: 2d

my bf and i also both have ocd, what we try to do is tell eo daily what’s on our minds (obsessions, compulsions, wtv) to try to “get ahead of it” if that makes sense. maybe if you talk with him deeper about how you feel (like why lying is such a trigger for u/ issues w ROCD) it would help you? for him, imo it’s really just understanding that you or other people won’t be upset with him if he isn’t perfect, at least from the way you described it. it seems like he lies to portray himself in a better light, but especially when with you he can just be himself! so maybe you could lightly reassure him about that i hope this is somewhat helpful LOL

Katza

Date posted: 2d

@idolent Thank you for the response! I’ll definitely keep chipping away at the “we won’t be upset at you if you aren’t perfect” thing because he struggles with that a loooooooot Me and him really gotta do a daily debrief on OCD like you and your bf do :) do you have any suggestions for ways to reassure him that… actually work…? i’ve tried reassuring him in every way i can think of but we both have the issue where getting reassurance that you’re not a horrible person is really hard to accept and not argue against haha, gotta love OCD

idolent

Date posted: 2d

@Katza LOL yes i get u, esp when it’s loud— any reassurance can go in one ear out the other. w my bf i try to like catch him doing his things (something he does is over apologize) and then talk to him in the moment, which i feel like has been helping. he also is going thru a different type of therapy than i (and i assume u) are to treat OCD, and something he told me that really helped was this: “i treat my ocd like my brain trying to help me. my obsessions/compulsions are trying to keep me safe, but i don’t need them to. so i just thank the thought and try to move on” obviously, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t, but it is helpful. i try to remind myself that i have an overactive amygdala and everything. maybe approaching those instances where he feels like he should be lying to “protect himself” using that mindset could help :)

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