Retroactive jealousy.

my thoughts on the post and your comment, yes to everything you said, but, how do you make the flashes stop 😂 I have the same thing where my mind will replay something I didnt like over and over (it could be from years ago) and ill be going about my day and my brain will be like here you go! and like the flashbacks are so hard to visually stop (I am refering to random things, nothing traumatic happened it's just random moments of life or situations that I can't stop seeing. even if it's a person I don't like from YEARS ago, I will get flashes of them and I feel so gross like they have power over me because I am seeing them and I DONT WANT TO SEE THEM haha

@Anonymous Yeah I know exactly what you mean but I think the answer is you don't try to stop them you just accept them. Well you don't just accept them you also move on with your day and you just try to shake the feeling by doing whatever it is you want to do. Obviously easier said than done and this is our struggle. It gets easier as you go though I'm sure of it. Not to say I always do it right or don't get broken down by it but self-love helps a lot too because if you give yourself understanding you are able to bounce back easier. If we are not able to give understanding to ourselves then how are we supposed to give it to others right? I think with OCD because we question ourselves so much sometimes we think we are not deserving of love.

@Anonymous I do want to try to get over it. I just am having a hard time living with the fact that it happened. It didn’t bother me for a year and then randomly appeared again. I don’t think she’s gross or anything I just wish I didn’t see it. But there’s no hiding from the fact that I did see it and still want to love her

@Kaizen. Well another thing to ask is do you think the fact of her having experiences means It is a reason to not love her? Unless she is actively thinking about him or someone else then it's important to try to seek understanding rather than judgment and in general remember the reaction to the thought is the issue not the thought itself. I know what you mean though because I went through this myself. I think it's often a feeling of your relationship being tainted or a used goods sort of situation for many. We do know humans are not objects though and in general We know moving on is the right move. It does take a value assessment sometimes just to make sure it's not something to do with your values rather than an obsession. If you absolutely want or need someone who has no history then it takes honesty and moving on a different way but otherwise you know what you need to do.

@Anonymous It would be hypocritical of me to put that value system on her as I have had a previous girlfriend which I did many wild things with. Of course finding someone who hasn’t done anything is ideal for any man but not practical. Just seems to stuck up to me. As well as i truly do love her. I don’t think she’s “used goods” but that’s how my brain is perceiving it because I saw what I saw. My brain tells me I’m gross and she’s gross for it happening and me seeing it. But I love her regardless and don’t want to ruin us.

@Kaizen. As well as my brain will tell me im gross for still wanting her after seeing that and I think that’s a societal thing. She deserves my true love and affection and I feel so shitty about that way I’ve almost felt forced to think

@Kaizen. Well then it's a matter of making the decision and letting go of the thoughts even though they are distressing and I would highly recommend not bringing it up with her in my opinion but of course ask your therapist if you have one. I think as you go through your day with her and refuse to let it taint or spoil your time together It will get easier

@Anonymous Much love dude I really appreciate it

@Kaizen. Absolutely I think it's testament to the fact you do care about her that you care about working through this the right way

@Anonymous For sure. I think thinking about it all the time and trying to figure out how I feel about is is my main struggle rumination I guess. Because yea. I think it’s gross I had to see that and wasn’t right of her to do it. But I have also done sexual things I’m not proud of and I think everyone makes mistakes. She deserves forgiveness and love. She’s SO special. Like so special. Thankyou again for the advice. I needed someone like you to help guide me. I hope your ocd isn’t kicking you too hard as well. You can always ask me for advice on certain themes I’ve dealt with previously. 🖤

@Kaizen. I'm glad it was helpful. Sounds like you are seeing her as human and not as an ideal. It's normal to feel disgust when we think of someone we want all to ourselves with someone else in an intimate way. Another thing to think about is neither of you were lacking loyalty because it was all before the relationship so there's nothing to forgive really for either of you, just things to let go of. Yeah for me it's freaky existential dread, nihilistic type thoughts, extreme claustrophobia where I dislike knowing the earth is technically a finite space lol lots of questioning the meaning of it all.

@Anonymous Also wanted to say I totally relate on seeing a blur between the compulsions vs my values. It's helped me to recognize the difference by deciding to trust my first feeling on it, the one that comes before the fear of judgement and then the fact of the obsessive/compulsive nature of thoughts seem to materialize and I'm able to let them drift by without as much agony. I realized this wasn't enough though, can't just sit there ignoring thoughts, gotta go about your day too

@Anonymous Dude you an me are one in the same. I actually love philosophy though and think deep thinking is a curse but also so cool. Even old time philosophers said their own brain is a dangerous void because we all think so deeply.

@Anonymous There’s also a deeper hurt aspect to this because she was confused on what she wanted in the beginning of our relationship and that manifested in me feeling like the second option to said guy. She in the end made decisions that hurt me. (Not cheating on me but lied nonetheless) so just a bunch for us to work through. She chose me in the end and has been fully transparent and involved with me and me only for over a year and a half. Never looked back. I think these feelings stem from feeling not good enough or not worthy of love because I wasn’t immediately chosen. Which sucks. But feelings are complicated and actions matter to me. Her full commitment to me over the past years have shown me she truly wants me and wants to leave that past behind us. Letting go of all these things are just so challenging. I want to see our future together and leave all the hurt behind too

@Anonymous Lmk

@Anonymous It flagged me. Nit sure how to get you my info so we can chat

@Kaizen. Yeah I had a feeling it might be not allowed lol maybe it won't recognize an email address

@Anonymous Lmk if you got it

@Kaizen. Got it, thanks