Counting OCD

For me I don't have lucky numbers, in fact, I hate calling my ocd-related numbers lucky or unlucky. I have "GOOD" numbers, and "BAD" numbers. Like if something is a bad number I have to either do a compulsion and/or use math to make it a good number. Idk when this started but I have a whole system in my head and I feel so embarrassed when anyone sees me doing something ocd related, like tapping or something. But that just makes me do it more... and sometimes I feel like I am imagining it because for me it doesn't define my whole existence exactly? I won't put my good or bad numbers on here because for me it is a bit triggering when I see someone say that their good number is actually (for me) a bad number... but anyways do other people feel like this at all? Any part of what I'm saying?

webeokay

Date posted: 6d

Yes, I have a BAD number that we're working on in ERP because I won't do anything with that number to the point if it's a multiple of it, the numbers of a multi digit number add up to it or it's multiple, or something similar then the compulsions are distressing. And then I have a safe number that I do everything in multiples of. ERP is helping, it's my slowest progress one because it's a compulsion that's somehow invaded every part of my day to day life without me realizing?? I don't know how to explain it. I understand your trigger by seeing the numbers (my sisters good number is my bad number :( ) and your embarrassment as I feel it so often but I've also come to realize, no one is paying attention to me as much as I'm not paying attention to them. They may be doing the same thing in their head or simply see us tapping and think we've got a song stuck in our head. We've got the distress, the pressure and know what's actually happening that we're trying to get unstuck from. You're making perfect sense!!

I love bees!!!

Date posted: 5d

*crying emoji* This is my first time on nocd, and you literally made me feel so validated. Thank you! My compulsions are so subtle that they are sometimes in my head and just counting to my good number... I haven't tried ERP yet, but if you don't mind me asking, would it help with the subtle compulsions? No pressure to reply if you don't want to of course.

webeokay

Date posted: Yesterday

@I love bees!!! - So sorry for the time it took me to get back to you!! Everything you're feeling is extremely valid because you ARE feeling it and it's effecting your day to day life!! I find it helps me a lot with my 'subtle' compulsions, the ones I do without thinking because I've just always done them and some I didn't even realize were OCD. It's retraining the part of my brain that learned to count to my safety numbers to the point that sometimes I'm not even counting at all!! I won't tell you it's not hard because it goes against the feeling of safety we build but it feels so good to get past those invisible boundaries and if you do give it a try, I wish you all the best luck and if you ever have any questions I'm happy to chat!!

I love bees!!!

Date posted: 16h

@webeokay - Thank you so much! I don't have any questions right now, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone and I have options. Currently I am dealing with other mental stuff, so I have a therapist that doesn't do ERP, but once the other stuff gets better, I am really considering ERP to help me break the OCD cycle.

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