Rocd ex

I had the same experience with an ex and new bf. But you said you were "so sick" in your past relationship. I was undiagnosed and just figuring out how to live on my own with ADHD, still no clue about the OCD at the time. My ex was a bonified good person and did everything right. I was the bad guy in the relationship. I was withdrawn, uncommunicative, and unempathic, even though I thought I was hot shit and couldn't see a flaw in sight. He ended the relationship because of my lack of engagement and during the breakup conversation I was fighting myself the whole time to engage but couldn't make my mouth do the things I wanted. I didn't have the courage afterwards to go back and ask for a second chance. I was too ashamed. Eventually, I did but it was too late. The damage was done and I wasn't getting another chance with him. A year or so later I got together with a new guy and he was amazing and much better suited to me but I was still having fantasies about the previous guy. I felt so guilty and like I was cheating in my head every time those thoughts came up. I was so guilt ridden, I couldn't not tell my new bf about it and how bad I felt when it happened cause the emotions were there with the thoughts - just as potent as when we were together. My new bf kept telling me that the layered emotion of guilt was the important one, not because he wanted me to focus on it and suffer but because it meant that I didn't actually want to leave him and go back to my ex. For years this continued sporadically until I realized I was feeling guilty about hurting the old bf. I kept feeling like he and my current bf deserved better than me and what I had done/was doing to them. I resolved to find a way to help myself be better for the current bf (therapy, etc) and that helped but I was still feeling guilty about my part in hurting the old bf. I felt a deep hole in me that would only fill if I apologized to him and finally explained what happened on my side. I needed him to understand that I didn't mean to hurt him but I was still too scared to do it because I was happy with the new bf and I had lost track of the old bf, rightfully. I couldn't bare the idea of putting that much effort into finding someone who probably didn't want to see me. So, I just lived with the soul eating feeling of guilt for awhile. It wasn't until a couple years later that a priest told me that reparations don't always need to be made to the victim, especially if the reparation will cause more harm in the process or in my case, is likely a bit inappropriate. So, I made my religious amends with myself and wrote a short story about our relationship to put it all out there. It's some of my best work. I NEEDED to get it out in a way that explained what happened without excusing it. Once I finished my short story, I felt relieved. Maybe one day I'll run into him again or I'll publish it. Who knows. But it's out now and I can finally rest about it. Try a journally tool about your situation. For me, short stories are it, maybe for you it's a song or an album. Once you get it out, I think you'll feel much better. I can still look back fondly but I'm not haunted by it or the possibilities anymore.