SO OCD

It’s so frustrating because I’ve never dated before, so I’m terrified of having a boyfriend. But I know I’m not a lesbian, so why is it bothering me?? How do you help yourself?

I also started dealing with so ocd when i was really young like 15 or 16 maybe. And i did not even know i had OCD. All i remember is that when i had these thoughts i felt extremely scared and wanted to scream that i did not want to be like that. And for a long time it consumed my life and my energy. I did not want to leave the house and go outside. Seeing people especially women made me anxious because i had the fear that i might like one of them. I still could not manage to completely overcome it. In fact i am experiencing an episode right now. But i am trying. I still feel anxious because the thought does not make me as scared as before and then another thought appears saying what if i am not that much afraid anymore because i am finally accepting who i truly am. Then i get anxious again saying i do not want this. I do not want this to be who i really am. And i feel tired. But what i do right now is that i stopped fighting the thought. All of them. I just try to be patient and bear with it. I do not fight it i do not oppose nor agree to it. I simply sit there with the anxiety and try to stay in the moment. And stop trying to figure it out or trying to stop looking for possible evidences. I say whatever happens, happens. Maybe or maybe not. I do not want to figure it out now. It is hard at the beginning. Because your brain will automatically keep fighting with this non engagement thoughts and try to keep fighting with it with logic. But keep trying even if you fail at the beginning. Trust me if you keep fighting, it fights back stronger. Do not give ocd the chance to fight you back. I believe in you and i am with you. You are not alone in this. And you are not the only one. Do not feel hopeless because there is no one out there that can understand what you are going through. You are stronger than you realize. You are the owner of your mind not ocd. Even if i write this post right now, i still have my own intrusive thoughts and my own anxiety. But it does not matter. Because i know this episode will pass eventually and i will be the one winning not these thoughts.

Oh my gosh thank you so much, this is so kind . Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone is incredibly helpful, I’m going to the doctors again to talk to them, so whether the prescribe me something..? I will give you an update on the day of the appt!

I have struggled with this theme as well and it started in my 30s. Everything you are describing I have felt. I know how unbearable it can feel at times but it can get better. ERP has been helpful for me along with mindfulness practices. When I was in spirals I had to sometimes just accept that this was here and stop engaging with thoughts, until the anxiety subsided. Don’t push and pull on thoughts. Let them be, as hard as it might be at times. Accepting the moment has been helpful for me and if I can’t accept the moment, I ask myself “well, can accept that I can’t accept this right now”. That has helped create a little space and sometimes that’s all we need.