the feeling of deserving

I completely understand how you’re feeling. I was also exposed to things at a young age and I think because of that I made a lot of bad choices. I’m trying to forgive myself for choices I made when I was young because we really didn’t know any better when we are at such a young age. Even though it’s important to take accountability I think it gets to a point where we have to stop punishing ourselves and also realize that not every mistake we made as children or teenagers is our fault. We replicate things we see and when we’re so young we’re naturally curious. I’m really struggling with wanting a life for myself. I feel like I shouldn’t advance in my career or be involved romantically with anyone because of my past. Just know that you’re not alone. I really understand how you’re feeling. I hope that both of us can get to a point where we can exist in the present moment.

Im in this rocky old leaking boat with you, but we wont sink. Its good to take accountability but it can turn into punishment real quick. A quote that really clicked in my brain was "you don't have to be the same person they remember you as." Or something along those lines. I realized that despite hurting people I am still allowed to grow, I'm not holding myself accountable by keeping myself stuck in a loop of punishment. Currently I have at least two people that think very low of me in this world, and while it hurts like hell, at this point there is very little to do to hold myself accountable. So theres no point in attempting more accountability. As for the feeling of being unworthy/undeserving, I have found "fake it till you make it" works. Turn it into an inside joke, a "bit" where you're like "omgg I'm literally so cool and I deserve nice things", treat yourself, take yourself out on dates. Over time the "bit" feels less like a bit and more like something genuine

I’m learning that this is such a common feeling, which makes me feel less alone. So thank you for sharing. One thing I always remind myself of is that growth is not an exact process. Just because someone has it all together at a certain point in their lives doesn’t mean you will or should. Our upbringings and trauma faced as children and even young adults shapes the rate at which we mature. I too experienced things when I was younger that I shouldn’t have, and those things affect us in ways we can’t begin to imagine. For me, I think about younger days and feel guilty. I’m 36 and didn’t really feel like a grown up until about 10 years ago. In high school and college I could be selfish, inconsiderate, and thoughtless at times. But that’s what those times are for! Even until your mid 20’s your brain is not done fully forming, so continued growth should be expected and mistakes at those points in your life do not reflect who you are now. The fact that you look back on your younger self and can recognize that certain actions were wrong is a sign of growth, maturity, and progress. All good things. Bad people are the ones who wake up every day and choose to do bad. They do things without a thought towards their fellow humans. The rest of us are good people who will naturally stumble along the way. The mistakes, even the bad ones, aren’t who you are unless you repeat them and are indifferent to their effect on others. This sounds like you, as well. We’re in this together.

I need to word this very carefully to put you on the right track: you need to sit with the fact that you've done those but don't put any definite names or labels on yourself. Reassurance is a drug, it feels good in the moment but will come to bite you in the back when the OCD spirals happen again, and it won't be enough. Maybe you are a bad person, maybe you aren't.