(tw for sexual content/POCD) I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but my situation is a little different than most and I'd really appreciate some feedback. When I was in my mind teens I was really into age-play with sex. I always played the younger role and had no desire to play the older role and was even turned off by the idea. Then when I met my boyfriend (at 20 and 21) I found out he happened to be into it too, only he liked to play the younger role also. I was initially not very open to it but eventually decided to try it for him. After a while I got more comfortable with it and began to actually like it and now I much prefer it over the other way. This is pretty much the norm for us now and while I'm very comfortable with him, the idea still makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I'm secretly just a pedophile. However, never have I ever been attracted to an actual child and the thought is repulsing to me. But at the same time, with the age-play thing it's the whole idea of it that's sexually appealing to me, the "taboo-ness" of it. The scenes we play out are basically molestation. And the fact that that arouses me disgusts me, but all I can say is that it honestly, truly only arouses me in the context of two consenting adults role-playing, and the thought of me or anyone hurting an actual child is repulsive. I'm attracted to my boyfriend's adult body role-playing as a child but in no way am I attracted to an actual child's body. I know this in my heart but I'm still terrified I secretly am and that I'm a horrible person for doing this. I know this is really different than most people with POCD and some of you might actually think I am a horrible person for doing this. I've expressed this worry to my boyfriend and he understands but doesn't think I should worry because he knows it's just a kink and that neither of us are actually interested in children. It just torments me because if I'm not interested in children, why do I like this??? I dwell on this so much that I start convincing myself that I was abused as a child and repressed it and that's why I'm like this. I'm terrified by how much it arouses me. The only thing that gets me off is thinking really horrible disgusting thoughts, but I'm always only ever picturing my boyfriend. Has anyone else ever gone through this?? I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but I'm also worried that I'm actually just a pedophile which I know is literally what it is but this is different and I feel very isolated. I know there is a large community that does this sort of BDSM shit who aren't pedophiles and aren't worried about being pedophiles but what if I really am? I can't reiterate enough that I don't in any way, shape, or form desire to be with a child sexually, but if that's true, why do I have this disgusting fetish?? I have had debilitating OCD all my life but it's primarily been "just right" OCD. I'm just confused and I don't know what to do and would really appreciate hearing what you all think.

18+ TW! Involves sexual content I have learning disabilities which means im always going to be 3-5 years mentally behind from my actual age… when I was 14 I remember finding people saying they work with kids “attractive” and I remember mastu*** over a kid around 5+ but when I was 14 I was either mentally age 11 or 9. So I didn’t know it was wrong, and as soon as I realised I stopped. People say I was young and it’s okay but I remember finding people saying they even walked past a nursery “attractive” but I don’t know if this is even the right word. Maybe cute? Because I find different emotions hard to tell the difference between, so maybe it’s cute rather than attractive. I never ever had intentions to do anything to younger individuals, it was just me finding people saying they worked with them etc attractive… which my ocd now plays on, because my friend mentioned they were working with kids but idk if it was the real me or not but I genuinely felt like I found it attractive and it was giving my so many groinal responses which then made me feel genuinely aroused like I wanted to do things. This plays on my mind because my ocd will always say “but you did/do find stuff like this attractive” but this literally stops me from eating, sleeping or anything. I can’t break from my compultions because what if I do genuinely find it attractive. I don’t think it’s even attractive maybe it’s cute? Like I find it cute… but cuteness can give people feelings down there I guess. I think because if my learning disabilities I found it hard to know the difference between “attraction” and cute so I did stuff over it because it gave me that feeling down there but that could of been cuteness feeling. I just need some support on this.

So I was never diagnosed with pocd but many ppl said that I have it and my therapist also said that I have ocd, I’ve recently been getting these thoughts and feelings of attraction towards kids, idk if it’s real attraction or not, but I worry that it’s true attraction because I don’t feel panic and anxiety towards those thoughts and feelings anymore, I used to feel that, but I also never felt shame or guilt for those thoughts and feelings. I also can’t tell if I want those thoughts and feelings or not. When I get those thoughts and feelings, I tell myself “I can’t be attracted to kids” and “being attracted to kids is bad” and “I wouldn’t like kids”. The main thing is I can tell if I am attracted to the kids or not, I feel like I want to know, but I also don’t know if I want to be attracted to kids or not, yet the attraction feeling feels so genuine, I can’t tell if it’s false or not, I try to compare my attraction towards a girl my age to the feelings I get when I see the kids. I’m also under the age of 16, and I’ve heard that people under the age of 16 are at risk of developing p#dophilia, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to become a pedo. But I can’t tell what I want anymore, I can’t tell if my feelings intrusive or not. Even though some people said that I have “textbook ocd” I still don’t believe it. These feelings and thoughts, I just don’t understand if I want and like them or not, idk if I WANT to like or want them. I also lied on 2 questions for the ocd diagnosis about liking the thoughts which I don’t know if I do or not, I said that I think I don’t when in reality I don’t know if I do or not. And the second question where I said I don’t feel aroused even though sometimes I do, idk why I get aroused for that stuff, idk if I want to be aroused or if I don’t want to be aroused. Can someone give me advice pls? ANT to like or want them. I also lied on 2 questions for the ocd diagnosis about liking the thoughts which I don’t know if I do or not, I said that I think I don’t when in reality I don’t know if I do or not. And the second question where I said I don’t feel aroused even though sometimes I do, idk why I get aroused for that stuff, idk if I want to be aroused or if I don’t want to be aroused. I also used to watch p#rn a lot, I was exposed to it at a young age cause I was a stupid ass kid once, I got addicted to it and watched it every day, when all of these feelings and thoughts started, I completely stopped watching p#rn which fixed that, but now I’m worried it was a sign of something bad because I heard that early porn exposure creates mental issues and stuff, so I don’t know if I have pocd or actual pedophilia anymore. I’m also currently tryin to get a relationship with a girl my age. Can someone give me advice on all of this pls? Idk what all of this means anymore :( (edited) I also keep getting thoughts of kids and I’m worried I’m attracted to a specific part of them, because most of the thoughts include that specific part of the kid. Im also attracted to that specific part on adults, but I’m worried that it’s a sign I’m a pedo because it manifests on the thoughts of kids

Im 16 years old and female and up until very late last year and this year I’ve been having thought almost every day that I’m a pedophile or that I’m sexually attracted to or want a romantic relationship with child. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t want judgment because I’m genuinely so scared and disgusted, but anytime I’m around children I feel my chest tighten, my body feels warm and it feels like I don’t know how to breathe. I sometimes get a groomer response but even then I don’t know if it’s a ground response or not. Also I tend to stare at children when I’m anywhere near them, I feel like if I don’t I’m a weirdo and if I don’t look at them it means I’m attracted to them which I guess could be POCD but I feel like I stare at them inappropriately. Not too long ago maybe three weeks ago I went to the park with my family and there were two girls in their swim suits and I was looking at their backsides and I felt really anxious and scared like I usually do but I felt so upset by looking at them that way and now I’m scared to go to pools or splash pads because every time I do I feel like I stare at them gross and I just feel so disgusted with myself. When I tell myself not to look I end up looking and then I stare. I feel better when I’m not around them but even then, I look back at what I saw earlier that day and I feel anxious again and then I look up what’s been happening and then I feel more worried it’s not OCD. My friends who have OCD say I might have it but I can’t get a therapist, I can’t talk to anyone I’m scared I’ll be put in jail and that I’m not a good person. I’ve never head thoughts like this until this year and near the end of last year and they come now? I don’t know what to do.