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ocdisawful

Date posted: 5y

(tw for sexual content/POCD) I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but my situation is a little different than most and I'd really appreciate some feedback. When I was in my mind teens I was really into age-play with sex. I always played the younger role and had no desire to play the older role and was even turned off by the idea. Then when I met my boyfriend (at 20 and 21) I found out he happened to be into it too, only he liked to play the younger role also. I was initially not very open to it but eventually decided to try it for him. After a while I got more comfortable with it and began to actually like it and now I much prefer it over the other way. This is pretty much the norm for us now and while I'm very comfortable with him, the idea still makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I'm secretly just a pedophile. However, never have I ever been attracted to an actual child and the thought is repulsing to me. But at the same time, with the age-play thing it's the whole idea of it that's sexually appealing to me, the "taboo-ness" of it. The scenes we play out are basically molestation. And the fact that that arouses me disgusts me, but all I can say is that it honestly, truly only arouses me in the context of two consenting adults role-playing, and the thought of me or anyone hurting an actual child is repulsive. I'm attracted to my boyfriend's adult body role-playing as a child but in no way am I attracted to an actual child's body. I know this in my heart but I'm still terrified I secretly am and that I'm a horrible person for doing this. I know this is really different than most people with POCD and some of you might actually think I am a horrible person for doing this. I've expressed this worry to my boyfriend and he understands but doesn't think I should worry because he knows it's just a kink and that neither of us are actually interested in children. It just torments me because if I'm not interested in children, why do I like this??? I dwell on this so much that I start convincing myself that I was abused as a child and repressed it and that's why I'm like this. I'm terrified by how much it arouses me. The only thing that gets me off is thinking really horrible disgusting thoughts, but I'm always only ever picturing my boyfriend. Has anyone else ever gone through this?? I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but I'm also worried that I'm actually just a pedophile which I know is literally what it is but this is different and I feel very isolated. I know there is a large community that does this sort of BDSM shit who aren't pedophiles and aren't worried about being pedophiles but what if I really am? I can't reiterate enough that I don't in any way, shape, or form desire to be with a child sexually, but if that's true, why do I have this disgusting fetish?? I have had debilitating OCD all my life but it's primarily been "just right" OCD. I'm just confused and I don't know what to do and would really appreciate hearing what you all think.

OCDLatter-da...

Date posted: 5y

I don’t feel I am the right person to answer this question but I wanted to comment and at least let you know you aren’t alone. I pray you’ll find help with this. I’d definitely talk to a therapist but hopefully someone on here can lend some support without reassuring you. Sorry I couldn’t do more, hang in there

ocdisawful

Date posted: 5y

Thank you I appreciate it!

billyboy72

Date posted: 5y

And where does it say two consenting adults are not allowed to roleplay/fantasies about x, y or z? What happened is you had a sexual relationship with your partner - while having some thoughts. And now your OCD has latched onto this and is using it to tell you you're worthless, because that's what it does. For what its it's worth, I've been a (very vaguely) similar position - not the same but similar enough. I told my therapist because I wanted her to have the chance to register me as a sex offender in case she thought I might be dangerous. Her response was almost along the lines of "so what, why would that matter?". People come in all types, and have all sorts of weird kinks. I might not feel comfortable with what your boyfriend is into (doesn't sound like you're sure you are either) but you've said nothing here that leads me to think you are a paedophile or a horrible person.

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