I’m still hung up on this.

I’m realising that so much of the taboo stuff I consumed in fiction was influenced by so many things that have affected me as a child. My grooming being one of them, and the content I consumed in fiction shows me that I really tried to cope with being a victim to that through this stuff, weirdly enough I still can’t accept the fact that I am a victim, even though there’s real things that happened to me back then that influenced what I consumed I’m still thinking about it now, about the content, the ideas… for how much I may hate my younger self for a lot of stuff I also feel so bad for her. I wondered why, and I think I’m slowly getting the answers as to why she would’ve indulged in a lot of these things, but my brain can’t accept the logical explanation for this.

mjr-rust

Date posted: 9h

First, I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope that you're able to heal from the harm caused to you as a child while removing the OCD guilt that's come from what happened because of that. I think it's very important to understand the context to why we might have done things. It can help us ground what happened a little bit instead of drawing a bunch of other harsh conclusions. But even then, outside of any reason for doing so, you should be able to forgive yourself. I'm struggling with the same guilt of consuming taboo fiction, but it was simply because I didn't know any better. Rationalizing why you did it or not, the most important thing is to recognize your growth now. You're able to understand why you might have consumed it and you also know now why it can be harmful; you as a child did not have the mindset or tools equipped to acknowledge that. Try imagining your younger self coming to you with everything you've done in the past and think of what you would respond with; how you would comfort yourself. You aren't the same person you were back then and that's important to remember.

Pinni

Date posted: 9h

@mjr-rust Thank you so much, your comment has given me a new perspective. I think the most freeing thing that I could’ve thought of was rewriting these taboo themes to give the characters that have suffered in them freedom like me, that maybe my brain can find comfort in that they moved on, and have healed, and that I could heal like them. Fiction really gives you that freedom to explore everything, but on an impressionable and young mind it’s really hard for them to comprehend a lot of concepts. I gen believe that kids shouldn’t be allowed on the internet because of that, so many fandom spaces can be a horrifying place, and the things they might see will most likely affect them later in life.

mjr-rust

Date posted: 9h

@Pinni That's a really good idea to explore!! I think there are definitely appropriate ways to explore taboo themes in fiction, but it's rare to find portrayals that properly frame them in a manner that focuses on victims' trauma and hurt while also exploring the healing process associated with that. I completely agree on how harmful it is for kids to be exposed to the negative side of these portrayals. I mean really just a lot of the stuff that's put out on the internet in general too. We were never meant to be exposed to such harmful content, much less at a younger age.

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