afternoon post

hello, I hope y’all are doing ok. I’m currently feeling uncomfortable and not trying to freak out. I was watching a yt video abt how gen z (specifically older gen z) needs to grow up cos we’re not (to those it applies to) teens anymore. & the youtuber mentioned a case of someone named haley who groomed a student of hers or something along those lines. I’m not rlly up to date with all the internet has to offer but it triggered me bc she viewed herself as an equal to her students & was texting her victim inappropriately. I started ruminating on past things I’ve done as an 18 year old & keep thinking on the one thing that was one of the main reasons of me thinking if I deserve to keep living or not. it’s triggering bc I still don’t know if what I did was wrong and if I should be in jail for it. I’m scared of myself & scared of knowing that if my fears come true, I don’t know how I would live with it. I just know that there was no intention to harm anyone yet I keep thinking I did. it’s too much to think & I feel like the need to confess. and I know confessing isn’t good for OCD. I’m scared. I’ve calmed down now bc I was dealing with an issue of a food order I had earlier & that caused me to put my full attention rather than the thoughts. I feel like I need therapy now. it’s just hard to open up. I’m scared of myself. most of the reason of me not having any irl friends is bc I just haven’t put myself out there but also bc it’s hard to trust people & I’m tired of bigots. it’s hard not having a social circle & being like this for 6 years has definitely impacted me & I think the way I can socialize. I’m scared of myself. I was feeling fine & being content about what I’m doing & that part of the video triggered me. then there’s thoughts in my head like “if you’re freaking out about this, this must mean something bad” “wow, you must be a monster” “yeah, they’re coming for you” “you need to turn yourself in now” & other things. it’s upsetting me & I want to cry. I don’t want to be a monster. I just want to be myself, a person who has learned to grow because it’s taken me all this time to heal. and I’m still healing. I’m scared. I feel like a teenage girl who’s stuck in an adult body. but not quite a teenage girl because I feel more mature than teens. I don’t know. I’m gonna take time to breathe & maybe read my book. I’m gonna pet my kitties. it’s scary but I’ll let the feelings flow. maybe I’ll see y’all later tonight 🫂 peace