My Pure O is like a kaleidoscope

I’ve replied to a bunch of posts, but have been reluctant to share my own struggles with OCD — mostly because it’s expressed in so many different ways. It’s like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope, flipping switches from one subtype to another always seeming to know where I am at my weakest and most vulnerable at any time. I seem to ping-pong between these which leave me so utterly exhausted and feeling like I’m totally wired the wrong way as a person: 1. Pure O: I’m mostly terrorized by intrusive thoughts and ruminations not always triggering specific compulsions 2. Sexual and POCD: So many of these thoughts are graphically sexual, usually taboo, sketchy, or violent 3. Perfectionism OCD: Seriously, I gave spent almost 20 minutes writing, rewriting, rereading, and editing this text already!!! Even the idea of “good enough” makes me uncomfortable and twitchy. 4. Real Event OCD: I replay, relive, and re-suffer stuff from years and years ago fearing that I will be discovered and severely punished or jailed for past mistakes. 5. Harm OCD: I can’t cross train tracks without thinking of stepping in front of a locomotive; I don’t go over or under a bridge without thinking of doing a head dive off of it; I dream about setting myself on fire. I can live with the checking and counting — it’s the sum total of the rest of this that has me praying that I will not wake up in the morning. I don’t care if I check the refrigerator door 3 times before leaving the kitchen. I just want to feel OK in my own skin again — sometime. Please. Sorry for the dump. Anyone else struggle with this?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

Hi, I've dealt with nearly all the themes you listed, and then some. I also have "Pure O" OCD and it used to be VERY terrifying to me. OCD can definitely convince you of some scary things. I used to spend all day replaying events or trying to analyze my thoughts. But, I can say for sure that with the right treatment it definitely does get better, even if it didn't seem like it would for me. Nowadays, my anxiety has reduced by like 90-95% despite my OCD themes still changing many times a day and new themes popping up. I'm no longer convinced of the things OCD tells me. So I just want to say that there is hope 😄

Michael N

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Thanks so much for sharing! So many posts focus on one subtype — most often ROCD. I thought my experience was so different that it made me question whether I was going insane rather than dealing with OCD. Therapy keeps focusing on little things like checking, but I really need to tackle these bigger issues before they take me down! I truly appreciate your advice and encouragement!

Coati

Date posted: Yesterday

Definitely! My subtypes remain the same, but it always amazes me that whatever it latches onto and whatever the obsession of the day is shifts constantly. Sometimes I read my diary and realize that I can't even remember what I was obsessing about a month ago but at the time it felt so real. Like a kaleidoscope, just like you said.

Michael N

Date posted: 21h

@Coati Thanks so much for sharing! There’s comfort in knowing we are not alone!

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