relationship issue

so my partner and i have a solid relationship. we communicate pretty well (we have both had to actively work on communication skills as we have each dealt with various traumas). sometimes he says "i love you" like over and over, and of course i say it back every time. sometimes it feels excessive, either like reassurance-seeking or lovebombing. i tried bringing it up the other night and he said it is not reassurance seeking, and he seemed so hurt by it (just from his expression, but i am hypervigilant) that i sort of narrowed it down to the tone in which he says it. i said that it sometimes feels pointed or urgent, like he's only saying it to get me to say it back. he heard and understood the tone thing but that evening he still continued to say it over and over and i don't know how to explain to him that it's stressing me out without him thinking that i don't want to say it, or that him expressing affection is annoying. it just feels like a constant emotional demand - we know we love each other, but i feel like it loses meaning when it has to be said THAT much, and especially when im saying it as a compulsory response. just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar and has advice on how to explain this to him.

Mreow

Date posted: 12h

That sounds really overwhelming. I know you're saying he's a nice guy, but I would feel pretty smothered by someone else having an anxious attachment towards me who is therefore compulsively seeking reassurance through that many I Love You's. (I think someone can still do compulsive reassurance seeking behaviors even if they aren't diagnosed with OCD.) Also..it seems like one of your values is being a considerate, compassionate/kind person, and maybe because of this, your normal reaction of feeling a tad annoyed by all his statements is something your OCD is latching onto and making you doubt what it means that you're annoyed. But sometimes we just need to tell OCD, "Yes, OCD, I am having a feeling. I do not need to overanalyze it." Easier said than done but just sharing some thoughts

a.lea

Date posted: 11h

@Mreow that's a pretty accurate read. my biggest worry when it comes to communicating any boundary is about hurting the other persons feelings and ESPECIALLY about my intentions being misunderstood

Teddy Aretino

Date posted: 10h

@a.lea i understand this, im so terrified of hurting people i sometimes work myself up into an absolute panic attack frenzy when i think i have. and your feelings matter too. they really do. he is an adult im assuming, and regardless of his age, he is his own person. no one elses emotions will ever be your responsibility. theyre HIS responsibility, which isnt to say he deserves to be hurt, but hes allowed to feel any way he happens to, just like you. i hate when people try to coddle me or fix me because its my human right to feel negative emotions. theyre part of being a person. you deserve good things just as much as him, and hes allowed to be hurt if thats how he feels. its not your job to make sure he feels any which way, just to make sure that you are in control of your own boundaries, and taking care of your own emotions, just like he should do with his. sorry if i sound preachy, these are just things that have helped me so so so so much when ive felt the same way!!! regardless, good luck and you got this!!!!

a.lea

Date posted: 10h

@Teddy Aretino thank you 💕💕 you don't sound preachy! i know everything you're saying is true, it's just so so hard to convince my nervous system of it 😓 but we've gotten through plenty of things before, i know it will turn out fine

Mreow

Date posted: 10h

@a.lea - Omg, I can really relate A.Lea. I heard someone once say that someone else's understanding is their narrative, not our responsibility. Again, easier said than done, but thought it was worth sharing. It's really hard.

Teddy Aretino

Date posted: 10h

@a.lea of course!!! fighting our instincts and fight for flight is literally the biggest uphill battle sometimes 😭😭😭 i am so proud of you!! especially for knowing you will be okay, because i believe you will be!!!!

a.lea

Date posted: 12h

for context, he does not have ocd but anxious attachment and we are both guilty of reassurance seeking

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