Pregnancy testing OCD & Tokophobia

Hello to everyone reading, this is my first post so please bear with me. Quick brief about me: I always have struggled with anxiety and mental health. I could never figure out why I handle things a certain way and why I obsess over every little detail; past or present. Until recently my doctor had begun talking to me about OCD and how she recognizes the traits and similarities she sees in me. It made sense to finally put a word to what has been the reasoning behind the way I think. I wasn’t even sure if it was OCD at first. I thought I was just overly sensitive. I’m still trying to navigate this all. This post is long but please I hope whoever is reading this will give me a chance. Anyway, my OCD is based around the subject of health and pregnancy. Specifically, tokophobia (fear of pregnancy and childbirth) and just generalized health. It all started roughly 1 year ago. I was diagnosed with a pituitary macroadenoma. A non-cancerous tumor of the pituitary gland. After of not having a period for a year I was able to seek treatment however I was under the care of a doctor who was inexperienced with my condition. As I began to take medication to shrink this tumor without the use of radiation or chemotherapy, I started to slowly get my period back. I would like to preface that I was deemed infertile throughout the duration of this who process. My sexual life had remained intact with my fiancee and all seemed to be ok. The only problem was my doctor did not tell me I would eventually become fertile again. I was prescribed a horrible birth control that was too much for me to handle (my body does not respond well to added hormones) needless to say I will admit I was at fault for keeping up with them. I was never instructed on how to protect myself. After one event I found out I was pregnant. After tears, yelling and screaming from my Mom; she supported mine and my fiancee decision to terminate. My decision is as followed: 1) I have a tumor that I am trying to treat, if I continue with the pregnancy I would have to discontinue usage of my tumor medication. 2) I am struggling to find work, I have not even $10 to my name. I am supported by my mom and also my fiancee whom he barely makes minimum wage. 3) I am not healed from past trauma. I feel like I need to justify my decision only because I know termination has become such a political topic and in no way means am I trying to offend anyone. For me, I had to choose this route because I was not mentally, financially and physically fit. I would go into detail but the process was smooth yet traumatic at the same time. Flash forward to my appointment with my new endocrinologist. She had reviewed my scans during the duration of this process and during a visit she said the following: “If you continued with this pregnancy I would have had to take you off of this medication. The tumor would absolutely grow because of the pregnancy. Given the size and placement of it on the optic nerves, you would have gone blind and I would have to perform surgery to try and save your eyes.” I belive this is where it all started. Now here I am a year later. I have a new OBGYN who actually performed the procedure and placed me on an amazing birth control. This pill has actually stopped my cycle all together. I am now 1 year without a period. Which actually in a way doesn’t help my OCD. This time around I am taking it the same time everyday on the dot. I use condoms as well even though sometimes my fiancé doesn’t want to and he always pulls out minutes before he “is done”. We always try to do a “no condom time” once a month only if that makes sense? I trust the medication, I trust my doctors, and I trust my fiancé with withdrawal. I have never noticed anything inside me after these encounters. To reiterate, I take the pill same time everyday and have not missed one pill. I skip placebos and go straight into a new package. I am ware that birth control is an effective form of protection with perfect usage, that condoms are just another added form of protection. So why am I getting this fear that every time I have sex without a condoms that I will end up pregnant? I feel like I am reliving this whole nightmare. I keep obsessing over the tests so to speak. Sometimes every month, I will get a “phantom period”. I will get all the PMS symptoms such as headaches, acne flare up, bloating, nausea and slight cramping. But there is no blood on the account of the birth control pill. During these times I go into panic mode. I obsess over every little ache and pain and think “Omg this was similar to when I was pregnant…could I be?” The only way I feel like I can snap myself out of this is if I test via blood or at home. In the past couple of months I have spent well over $400 on pregnancy tests. Tests that I keep for days and days and look at everyday. I start to feel like what if the result changes past the time you’re not supposed to ready them anymore. I will get a flashlight and shine it behind the testing site and see if I can see another line. I’ll even go as far as using a magnifying glass to see if I can see anything. So far, nothing. Every single test negative. But when I’m like this I can’t stop. I want to stop but I don’t know how. My fiancé has agreed to now use condoms exclusively with the birth control; that he doesn’t care about how it feels for him he just wants me to enjoy sex and feel comfortable. Though even with the condom usage I still feel afraid and think of the “What ifs?” I never ever want to experience what I went through again. I’m afraid of pregnancy and the idea of it. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready but in the meantime I want to just heal and be me. I want to stop this obsession over tests and bloodwork. It’s hurting my finances, my relationship with my fiancé and the relationship with myself. I want to enjoy life and not worry about testing. Please, if anyone out there can relate or give me some advice I would forever be appreciative of that. I’m sorry if this triggered anyone. I don’t mean to offend anyone as well. Anyway, thank you for reading. I’m kind of a chatter box, I’m sorry this is so long.