Reassurance seeking or not?

Hi everybody, right now I’m also spiralling around relationship themes. As some of you might know as of now, I struggle a lot with real event themes. But right now relationship theme is hitting real hard. My partner is going through stressful finals. We haven’t seen each other in almost three weeks by now, but that doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve explained to them that I feel like they don’t tell me they love me as much lately. They explained that it’s nothing personal and that they’re feeling stressed. They also told me that they are not as good when it comes to expressing their feelings. I trust them a lot, but getting told “I love you” means a lot to me. But I think that this is just reassurance seeking from my side. Does anybody have any tips? Thank you xx

XwitnessX

Date posted: 4d

When I’ve felt similar, I try to remember that no amount of reassurance from my partner makes it any more true. I can only trust they’re being honest with their feelings because being in a relationship is all about trust. And if the other person chooses to be dishonest in any way it’s only a reflection of themselves and has nothing to do with me. Hope that makes sense and hope it helps a little 🙌✨

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 4d

@XwitnessX This makes so much sense, and it’s not like they’ve never showed any interest or affection towards me, quite the opposite. The problem with this theme is that I tend to overthink and over-analyse what they do, and that leaves us both in a vulnerable position. I really really hope they don’t feel pressured, it’s just that whenever I sense a tiny bit of coldness my heart just can’t take it!

XwitnessX

Date posted: 4d

And remember the “cold” is your ocd! Don’t give it more meaning than that! It’s a feeling. An uncomfortable one and it sucks. But you’re not alone and the journey continues!

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 4d

@XwitnessX I didn’t know that the cold part could actually come from my own mind, but it makes a lot of sense. I just hope I can successfully handle this, because I don’t want things to go to waste because of this theme! Thank you so much. this genuinely made me feel better :)

bluebird27

Date posted: 4d

that sounds really difficult! I think I set up "rules" for my partner where I need them to tell me certain things and then I subconsciously grade them on where they consistently do it or not. OCD makes it really hard to know what is real or not and truly connect. I hope that your partner does good on their finals and you too are able to spend more time together soon. you're not alone!

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 4d

@bluebird27 Hm. Maybe my mind processes things in a similar way. Like, I trust them, and I know that if there was anything wrong, they would tell me. But at the same time, the fact that they don’t say “I love you” as much is driving me a little mad. But then again, I think this is just me desperately reaching for reassurance and engaging in compulsions. I like to remind myself that even when they’re stressed they take some time to respond to my text messages daily, so I guess that’s something.

bluebird27

Date posted: 4d

@anonymous_purple💜 do you go thru a thing with this where it's like similar to * they didn't respond (right), that's weird * I wouldve responded * maybe they're busy and stressed that makes sense * well they still could've technically made time and if they know how much this means to me then they should do it * but they've done other good things for me before so it wouldn't make sense for them to do this now and so on

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 4d

@bluebird27 This is so text book to me 😳. And just when I seem to reach the last bullet point and the (instant) relief comes, the loop starts over again and worsens over time. The problem with this theme is that not only am I damaging myself, but potentially them too. And that’s the least thing I would want to do, they’re too sweet, I just love them so much.

bluebird27

Date posted: 4d

@anonymous_purple💜 yes I know what you mean! and I go into these spirals where I'm needing them to convince me that they care about me at all to reassure me and I don't want to do that anymore because it's not fair to them

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 4d

@bluebird27 I’d say reassurance seeking in relationship themes is really exhausting to both parties, mainly because it seems like we can’t get enough reassurance. Have you ever felt that they were being distant as well?

bluebird27

Date posted: 4d

@anonymous_purple💜 yes! that's been a main theme and then I try so hard to justify why they aren't being distant or why it's okay and how I should handle them being distant and it's all consuming

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 4d

@bluebird27 Oh I see, I’m so sorry. If you’ve got any tips i’d appreciate :)

bluebird27

Date posted: 4d

@anonymous_purple💜 same here lol. I've been just doing my best to not give in to the spiral loop until I can get into erp

XwitnessX

Date posted: 4d

You have a big heart! You NEED to be more gentle with yourself. If you find yourself over analyzing, try not to assign it meaning? Because you’re not your partner, you’re not in their mind, and you can’t control another person or what they think and feel. With how we feel and process our emotions, our partners need to be patient and have support. And I think that’s not easy for just anyone to do for another person as we’re all fighting our own internal battles we have no idea about. Your ocd won’t “ruin” anything. You’re your own person on your own journey as everyone else is so be nice to yourself and others as much as you can, at least this is what I’ve found helps me 🫶✨

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey, so monitoring one’s own actions for reassurance seeking can become a compulsion. It’s a thing that’s easy to do when you’re dedicated to improving. My therapist has gently reminded me a few times that yes we want to get better but you still have to be a person while you do or you will burn out. Love and connection are human needs, denying yourself them because it might be reassurance seeking is like denying yourself food as a whole because you’re trying to eat healthier.

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Thank you for your comment, it’s nice to hear from different perspectives. I totally understand your point, the problem here is that my obsessive mind is getting on the way, and I feel like they’ve already had enough of me, or that’s what my mind is trying to make me believe

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