Spiraling and letting my fears get to me

So today was supposed to be an ok day. I wasn’t going to take a pregnancy test because I was going to wait a little. However I let my fears and thoughts get to me and took one after I went to the bathroom. I did notice that compared to the other tests, this test had a very prominent test line. It already looked like a grey evap line. The test had barely a drop on it. The test was not saturated at all. The result was not coming up right away. I figured it was a faulty test because I didn’t saturate it. Maybe 40mins to and hour later I look at the same test and I see two lines. Instantly my fight or flight kicked in. I ran to take another one. This time I saturated the test and waited the appropriate amount of time. Within 10 minutes i only seen one line. In that moment I kept thinking to myself: “Ok I took my birth control every same time.” “We’ve used protection and even during two withdrawal days there was still nothing left in me” I tried to rationalize with myself but I just can’t seem to shake it. I can’t do this again. Immediately I start googling things like “does not putting enough urine on a test mess up the results.” All the answers I was getting wasn’t pointing me in a direction I needed to hear. I started to think ok I need to buy more tests and I need to get bloodwork done. So I went and got bloodwork done. I’m praying I get results tonight. I keep waiting and refreshing my health app to see if any results are posted. The palpitations won’t stop, the fidgeting anxiety. I have no appetite. I have no desire to move off my couch. This happens every month and every month I spend so much on tests and do bloodwork and all the same result: negative. I am trying so hard to wait for these results and fight the urge to buy more tests. I have been protecting myself so much. Withdrawal has been working. I sent pictures over to a friend who’s a nurse and has gone through TTC. She told me that again I am making myself sick that harboring old pregnancy tests and looking at old results is not healthy for me. She also told me that I could have just as well messed up the test because of the lack of urine. She told me that I should believe the test I took after on a full bladder. I cannot relax. All I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is get my results.

alexwoole

Date posted: 9h

Hey friend. 🤍 I’ve walked through years of infertility and rpl, sadly, so pregnancy tests are definitely known and rooted to my brain, lol. Evap lines can easily occur past the expiration limit of the urine pregnancy test. (Usually about 5-10 minutes and so forth…) These are not a true positive. Some tests, unfortunately, can have what’s called an “indent” line. I’ve had several in my experience and it is difficult to discover one, whether you’re trying for a baby or not. If I see an indent, I test again with a different, but still trusted, brand and if there is not a line on the second test, I discard the indent as negative. I can completely understand where you are though and I’m so sorry you’re facing the difficulty of anxiety and OCD. You are not alone! 🤍

littleengine...

Date posted: 9h

@alexwoole Thank you so much😔 all of my tests so far have been negative which is the result I am looking for. This indent line upon opening it was a very distinct grey but after that hour it seems to be pink. I did test an hour or so later again and it was negative. Even looking at the second test past the 10 minute test time it’s still negative, no indent/evap line. I’m so scared😔

alexwoole

Date posted: 9h

@littleenginebigheart If it were a true positive, it would pop up immediately (within 3 min usually) and be quite dark. It wouldn’t act like the indents and show up an hour later. :) You’re ok!

littleengine...

Date posted: 9h

@alexwoole I wish I stood by it and looked at it. I didn’t think I would get a result because there really only a small sample of urine on it. This is the test in question, I just cracked it open😔

littleengine...

Date posted: 9h

@littleenginebigheart This test is the one I took properly and saturated. I took it maybe 1hr after. I’m so sorry btw I’m a nervous wreck. I’m still waiting on bloods

littleengine...

Date posted: 8h

@alexwoole Also quick background, I had a complete blood work up on May 27th with negative HCG. I then had a MRI done on June 2nd and I had a negative urine test. The days I used my birth control (I never miss a pill) and withdrawal on June 4th and 5th. I’m just so confused and lost

alexwoole

Date posted: 8h

@littleenginebigheart What is making you test? These appear negative. The top is an indent line, according to time table.

littleengine...

Date posted: 8h

@alexwoole Basically I have a fear of pregnancy after I went through one. I have a pituitary tumor and when I first found out I was pregnant I had to make a decision to terminate or go off my medication to shrink my tumor with the risk of losing my eyesight because the tumor was very big. I’m on a progesterone only birth control pill and sometimes my fiancé doesn’t want to use condoms because he trusts his withdrawal times and the birth control. At this point we are not frequent in sexual activity. Every time I don’t use a condom or once a month I get a phantom period which is basically all the symptoms of pms minus the bleeding. I haven’t had a period in a year because of this birth control. Any ache, pain, symptom triggers me and provokes me to test until I get bloodwork 😔

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