Trying to take control of myself

Following up from the last post about how I let insecurity, anxiety, and immaturity take over me as a person and how it led to a toxic relationship. I’ve been doing more reflecting while trying not to let myself ruminate so much that I spiral out of control. Everyday, a memory or a behavior I did replays in my head and it’s very uncomfortable to face these realizations like demons you tried to neutralize. I’m not going to let myself be in a romantic/committed relationship in a long time, not until I learn how to contain myself and get my mental instability controlled so the toxic patterns don’t overshadow me. I am almost 20 and should know better by now. How has OCD affected your relationships/friendships in a negative way and how do you deal with trying to stabilize your emotions in front of them?

danid120

Date posted: Yesterday

I’m 31 and just finally confronting this. Give yourself grace and keep focusing on healing and self care. Of course, this is easier said than done because I have many intrusive thoughts and flashbacks of things I regret doing in previous relationships as well. Someone once told me “you can’t expect your past self to act in a way that you would act now, because they didn’t have the insight/tools that you have now.”

slowasaslug

Date posted: 16h

@danid120 It’s hard to give myself grace right now. I know what you’re saying about not expecting my past self to have done better because of the lack of insight, and you are right for that. But even then I just feel doomed. Even if I can change it doesn’t erase or redo this chapter in my life. But I can wish all I want that I was better for her and it still wouldn’t change the past.

Amy B.

Date posted: Yesterday

I went through something similar after my divorce when I was around 30 years old. I could hardly tell up from down and was in pure survival mode because my OCD and anxiety were so bad. But I felt I needed someone for various reasons and it was horrible. I haven't dated for about 10 years now and don't want to, but also the prospect of it scares the hell out of me. My OCD dictated so much of what I did, and I was also scared of sooooo much back then. I dated people I never would have in normal times. Getting a handle on my OCD is still very much a work in progress. I'm focusing on trying to make more friendships right now, and am finally seeing an ERP therapist to help get my brain back.

slowasaslug

Date posted: 16h

@Amy B. That’s exactly it. I always felt like I was in survival mode for most of the relationship, even when things weren’t supposed to be tense between us. I don’t feel as if I’m ready or even fit for love because of it. I want to cherish someone and form this kind of closeness, but now I feel like I’m incapable of accepting that kind of love. I’m proud of you for taking the steps you think are necessary for your growth. I need to speak with my therapist about this whenever I get the chance. And making more friendships can be truly healing if done with caution, not hyper-vigilance but with more insight and not being with the wrong people.

Amy B.

Date posted: 15h

@slowasaslug Thank you for the kind words. I hope you are able to find the healing you need. It may be a hard road to get to where you can be with someone, but if it's what you want it will be worth it. Remember to enjoy just being you as well. Don't feel like you have to be with someone to be complete, there is a lot of joy that can be found in every stage of life. Keep your eyes open for it.

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