@ocdbelowzero I understand what you are saying, but you have to believe me that this is how OCD is going to keep you trapped.
You have to take a step of faith.
I'll put it in terms of my own OCD. I've struggled with religious OCD most of my life. My fears center around losing my salvation. I feel like I could lose my salvation at the drop of a hat--for example, if I turn my wrist the wrong way, or move my nose in the wrong way , or say the wrong words, etc., etc.
Sometimes I'm where you are right now. I'm poised on the very edge of a spiral. This happens when Ihave an "episode". That means that I have done something that made me feel like I am doomed to hell and there's nothing that I can do about it. (This can happen several times a day to several times a week, sometimes a bit longer.)
My in-laws are elders at a church. And they have been having some long talks with me. And they have been saying that this fear of losing my salvation isn't even real.
They have been telling me to take certain steps of faith. It can be scary, because it feels like my eternal soul is on the line. But I have learned that I have to trust people who are on the outside (and who are not in my head).
We live in such a fog of the OCD, so we really don't see life clearly for what it is. But people on the outside can see clearly. They can see that we're not in danger. And they can see that the OCD is not real.
In my case, my salvation is never in jeopardy. In your case, you never cheated. Now you and I can doubt these things all day, and we can be tormented by them, and we can go into spirals about them. But if we do that, it's just going to take away from the enjoyment of the now.
If you give the OCD the reins in your life, it's going to take away from how much you can be present for your girlfriend, because you are going to be spending so much mental energy trying to figure things out.
When I am caught in my OCD loops, it's hard for me to be there for my kids and family. It's really much better for us to take a step outside of the OCD, and that's a much better gift to give to the people around us then trying to be perfect and trying to figure out the past.
So, in this case, you really need to trust people who are outside of your OCD. You can trust me, because I can see it clearly. And you can also trust others. They will tell you exactly the same thing that I am saying if they understand OCD.
You have to be a little careful, because sometimes people who don't understand OCD can give wrong advice. However, when people understand OCD, the way forward is clear.
It's hard work. It's painful. And it requires a step of faith.
There comes a place where it doesn't really matter how you feel inside. When we're doing ERP, it feels TERRIBLE inside. But it is worth it.
OCD always wants us to take the shortcut out. If we do the compulsions, we temporarily feel better. But in the long term, we are more trapped.
Doing the ERP means that in the short term we feel worse, but in the long term, we do much, much better .
You don't have to worry about being a bad person because you think you might not care about cheating on your girlfriend. The OCD wants to keep you trapped. You have to flip the script on the OCD. And when you take steps do that, you will be a more joyful and present boyfriend for her.
You can do this !!! Make the decision. Step out in faith. Trust what others are saying.
You'll have to face feeling terrible inside, but it's worth it. Your hard work now will pay off later.
I'm here to support you the whole way!!!!!
