I'm nervous

Tw: ED (Involves with OCD in topic of appearances overall) -- I'm starting to feel guilty each time I eat, and the worst part is that I'm starting to get hungry easier. Today I ate a lot of stuff and right now I wanted to make myself ramen, but I forced myself not too and now I'm hungry and sad. Even my parents asked if I wanted to eat and I just said no. Which they're on a diet, but each time I say I want to go on one they get upset and tell me that I need to eat good. They insist on me eating 3 times a day so it's not like I'm in a restricted environment. But I feel as if my face is getting more rounder than usual, back then my jaw was sharp and my body looked different and now I just look.. off. I'm scared that I'm starting to form a very awful mindset. I cried a lot just now because of that, and I already have a rough time with insecurities and especially with my issues of scalp/face picking and bad sleep habits yadda yadda other habits. I ruminate on how I look like, stare myself into the mirror for an hour or even more and I fear of my hair falling out or my face morphing. I don't know what to do. (Which falls under my OCD fear.) This isn't an attack on other ladies/men who are chubby nor that they have a certain "look" I find variety amazing and I believe everyone is beautiful in their own ways. :^( I just don't understand why I hate MYSELF specifically so much.. What do you guys do when it comes to self love? Or eating in general, I used to be underweight and ate nothing. I think I'm at a healthy weight but I just don't feel good enough, and I know starving myself is never good but maybe I've been consuming too much awful media. & I know "beauty" isn't the only thing that's important but I feel like my looks are something that makes me who I am? I like fashion/beauty stuff, so I always want to feel beautiful myself. But it's hard sometimes..