POCD and Pornography

Hi there, I’m very new to this app, and I really appreciate the community. 2 things have been a main obsession for me within the last couple of days. I am 18 and last november i bought what i believed to be legal porn from a content seller on the app Telegram. She sent me a confirmation video of herself saying my name and the date I guess just to confirm It wasn’t a scam. I paid assuming the content would’ve been of her but it wasn’t, it seemed a variety of other people dominated by one specific person, at the time i had fleeting doubts about whether they were underage or whether this was shared consensually but it didn’t bother me much. 7 months down the line (a couple days ago) i had a thought - “those girls looked kinda young…what if they were underage?” so as part of a compulsion i went back to the app logged in and looked through the videos and photos, the seller claimed she was 19, the girl that dominated most of the content to me looked 18 but also looked young like she COULD be 16 or 17. Or maybe even younger at a push. I masturbated to her, I’m not sure if it was compulsion driven but the entire time my mind was saying that i wanted her to be underage secretly. After orgasm, I came across one specific video that i hadn’t noticed properly previously, in it the girl looked quite young, the lighting wasn’t amazing but i feel like im just saying that as an excuse, i kept rewatching the video because i needed to check to be certain that she could pass for 18, but because i couldn’t be certain, i messaged the seller to ask if everyone involved was 18+ as i initially believed, but i didn’t even give her a chance to read it, i deleted the chat, my account and the app, meaning i have no way of accessing the content, meaning my mind is generating a thousand faces trying to remember exactly what she looked like. Since then when on dating apps or social media, when i see someone who is 18+ i ask myself “if they were 15 would u believe it?” and like 20% of the time the answer is yes. this made me feel better because I knew that it was possible for someone to look young and yet be 18+. However, just now I went onto twitter to look on my feed to conduct the same compulsion, checking to see if any nsfw videos would contain people whose age was ambiguous because I know I have seen content on twitter that has made me spiral about the ages of those involved before (only to be calmed down when i realise the page posts only 18+). I came across one page however that said it only posted 18+ but as i scrolled i saw youthful faces, I continued to scroll to check if it was my mind messing with me or if it was a pattern that i needed to report. (ofc my mind doesn’t see it that way, it says that i actually wanted to look more) but as i saw some people that i genuinely believed had to be underage, i reported and blocked the account for child harm. Im stuck in this spiral, I feel like i need to go to the police and be locked away. Why didn’t i just report everything instantly? why did i have to check multiple times to be sure?? Any advice would help truly.

kels🪻

Date posted: 17h

I read that OCD feeds on what you care about the most. So it may be that you are extremely disgusted by pdf files and you are so disgusted that you are having to prove to yourself that you could never be. Like you are very scared of accidentally contributing to the horrible things that do go on in the world in that aspect.

itssal

Date posted: 17h

im gna share my real event story bc i cant offer any reassurance, i just hope it makes u feel a little less alone. i am 20, 21 next month. back in march i was watching a lot of porn. usually i stuck to safe sites but one night i really wanted to use twitter. while i was high off a substance i wont name, i went on a following spree of like 100+ accounts. instead i didnt look for links to an OF or anything, just that their age was 18+ and they looked 18 or older. i dropped my usual safety mechanism in part because my therapist was telling me to be less hyper vigilant with porn, and i also thought that not everyone posting on twitter necessarily sells. so i stupidly trusted my own instinct. i began to get suspicious of the accounts though and suddenly a fear that was only in the back of my mind got super loud, and i thought “what if they’re lying about their age” and i immediately began unfollowing everyone no matter what, and then i got into a compulsive cycle for hours of blocking and reporting CSAM that was popping up on my twitter timeline. i didnt understand why that began happening it caused a lot of distress bc i didnt knowingly engage with anything like that. i feel icky bc i wish i had kept the systems in place that protected me, and i also at the time weirdly was looking for “freshly 18” stuff. i also constantly worry that i actually dropped my safety mechanisms because i wanted to possibly see terrible disgusting stuff. or seeked out 18 year olds for some weird perverse reason. and as soon as the fear that they were lying came to the front of my brain i reacted accordingly. its just an icky memory for me. one that is remarked by my own stupidity. i am currently in therapy bc this specific event has been very distressing for me. but hopefully sharing it makes u feel a little less alone.

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