I love him, but I’m terrified I’m not attracted enough

It’s so hard. I unfortunately googled (even though I know I probably shouldn’t have) why I’ve felt this aversion whenever I think about kissing my partner ever since our first kiss, even though I want to kiss him (questioning whether I genuinely want to kiss him, or if I only want to want it because I’m afraid of losing the relationship)and I love him. Everything I read seems to say that it means I’m not attracted enough to him and that I’m forcing myself to like him. What scares me is that this feeling has been there from the beginning. I keep wondering whether I’m actually disgusted by him and just don’t want to admit it to myself because he’s such a good person. It makes me panic and gives me the urge to break up, even though that’s the last thing I want. I feel trapped because I can’t stop trying to figure out what this feeling means.

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

Dealing with this now it sucks :(

Anonyymmm200...

Date posted: 11h

@Anonymous sending love to you

Elle121

Date posted: 11h

Girl I SWEAR it’s exactly the same for me, I know how hard it is, and I’m hoping it’ll get better for you (for me too lmao😭) The kissing and attraction part from the begging is what got me. I’ve been there too, cause I developed ocd first and then got into relationship with my bf…

Anonyymmm200...

Date posted: 11h

@Elle121 Oh my God, sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. How can something that started out so beautifully be ruined by a first kiss? I mean, I’m so scared that we’re emotionally compatible, but not physically compatible. I can’t stop overthinking it. It’s on my mind 24/7, and I honestly can’t think about anything else.

Dubs9601

Date posted: 11h

Hi there! I just want to first let you know you’re not the only one who feels this way! I felt the almost the EXACT SAME about my husband when we first started dating and consistently throughout our relationship. And it’s HARD. I had always been one to be totally obsessed with whoever I was crushing on, and my husband has been my first everything. However I never felt obsessed with him in the way I had other people, and it made me think I didn’t really love him. I thought I was tricking myself or tricking him or just faking the whole thing because oh he’s my first blah blah blah. And I felt totally awful about it and never wanted to say anything about it to anyone bc it sounded crazy. But luckily, love isn’t necessarily an emotion, it’s a conscious act and decision for the other person. Emotions fluctuate and if you’re annoyed at him, for example, or feel an ick or whatever, it DOES NOT mean you don’t love him. You have control over whether or not to “obey” how you feel. Realizing I may have OCD has helped me in this “do I actually love him” battle; it has provided an explanation for intrusive thoughts that try to tell me I’m just faking it because I don’t “feel” like I love him in the same way society portrays love. I do love him because I chose to, and I obviously must’ve been attracted to him at some point lol bc I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t really. All this to say, I can tell you love him by how you’re concerned with the reality of your love. Love is objective and you can choose to love someone. The day he proposed to me, i was having a crazy OCD attack (in retrospect i believe that’s what was happening), and i KNEW my insecurities were flaring up trying to make me doubt the whole situation however i also knew that I objectively wanted to marry him, knew this was the right and sensible path, and so I said yes despite the turmoil in my head, and i am so grateful I didn’t listen to those intrusive thoughts I knew were false and the emotions they caused me. Hope this helps! 🤗

Dubs9601

Date posted: 11h

@Dubs9601 Just to clarify too: we may not have control over our emotions, but we have control over what we do about it. Like I said above, you don’t need to “obey” them. For example, I may like a male friends sense of humor but that DOES NOT mean I have to follow through and develop a crush. I don’t need to obey my emotions, I can say no and move past it.

Anonyymmm200...

Date posted: 11h

@Dubs9601 Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response and for sharing your experience. I’m also very happy for you that things worked out so well, and congratulations on your engagement and marriage.💗 What makes this so difficult for me is that I’ve struggled with a very specific issue from the beginning. When we first kissed, I felt nauseous and had this strange feeling in my stomach. Intimacy and kissing are such important parts of a relationship (for me), and ever since that moment, I’ve kept experiencing the same reaction. At this point, it almost feels conditioned, because even thinking about kissing can trigger a sense of discomfort or aversion. That’s why I find it so hard to know what’s really going on. Is it anxiety, overthinking, or intrusive thoughts? Or is it my mind trying to tell me something important about the relationship? I genuinely don’t know, and that’s what scares me. I think it would probably be a good idea for me to seek professional help and try to understand these feelings more clearly, because I’m afraid there could be something else behind them, and I don’t want to keep going in circles in my head forever.

Dubs9601

Date posted: 11h

@Anonyymmm200737373 Ah I see.. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that :( I don’t know if this is the same, but I recall I had a friend who had an aversion to kissing similarly to your situation, but she didn’t talk about it much. I think a professional therapist is a good idea and I encourage you to follow through! :)

Anonyymmm200...

Date posted: 11h

@Dubs9601 May I ask whether your friend felt this way only with a specific person or whether she tends to experience it in relationships in general? The reason I’m asking is that I didn’t have this problem in my previous relationship. However, I also wasn’t in my head nearly as much back then, so I’m trying to figure out whether what I’m experiencing now is related to this particular relationship or more to my anxiety and overthinking.

Dubs9601

Date posted: 10h

@Anonyymmm200737373 Hmm I really only know of it happening with her first and second boyfriend? But I’m not sure the extent.. we didn’t talk about it much in detail unfortunately. However, she didn’t end up with either guy so idk maybe that speaks for itself 🤷‍♀️ nevertheless, I think outside perspective on your specific matter would be beneficial in helping you find clarity

Anonyymmm200...

Date posted: 10h

@Dubs9601 hmm okay, thank you I really appreciate your advice and perspective

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