Having another spiral….I wish this would go away

I am getting stuck in a thought-spiral about my past mistakes and the compulsion to confess. And then ruminating on what if scenarios, how this would play out, how that would play out. Even typing this feels like a trigger a little bit. How are you doing today? Edit: it also doesn’t help that I am spiraling a bit knowing that my sessions at the VA are over, after a couple years, they ended last week. I do have a care in the community provider, but that appointment isn’t until Thursday.

hannygurl

Date posted: 17h

Do you think a terrible person would be sitting there replaying everything in their head? You are good, no confirmation needed

alan87

Date posted: 17h

@hannygurl Thank you for your kind words. That’s the thing my therapist at the VA once said. As well, the getting rid of the notion that, if people knew the “real” me or if my partner knew the “real” me, they wouldn’t love me.

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 16h

@alan87 What part of service brother? I was army 11B

alan87

Date posted: 16h

@Anonymous I was Navy, essentially a water taxi for the Marines. I was in 2005-09. You?

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 14h

@alan87 I was in 2011-2013 and was deployed to Afghanistan. My grandad was navy during Korea war

alan87

Date posted: 14h

@Anonymous Thanks for your service. I was deployed to the Middle East a couple times. We dropped off MEU 22 waited for them, picked them up and brought them back. I believe I had OCD then, but didn’t know it until way later in life.

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 17h

I hate that feeling. Keep your head up brother!

alan87

Date posted: 17h

@Anonymous Thank you, I appreciate it. How are you today?

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 17h

Doing ok. Cooking dinner for for wife and in laws for Father’s Day. Been kind of on a good mindset for last couple days since I feel like this place will give me some hope but I know my highs always fall and I get a spike…

alan87

Date posted: 17h

@Anonymous I understand that! I am not a dad, me and my wife have a dog so that is our child. I feel like I don’t deserve anything today as a ‘father’

alan87

Date posted: 17h

@Anonymous And you are right, this app/community gives me hope!

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 14h

Yes sir. Thank you also. And yes I agree I have had ocd my whole life but when I was a kid they labeled it ADHD then after service the VA labeled it as depression. I didn’t learn about what ocd really was until last year.

alan87

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous I hear you! I relate to this, I’ve had it as a kid too. When I look back on some of my thoughts and thought patterns as a kid, it makes sense. I didn’t get diagnosed until 2022 or 2023 by the VA. They diagnosed me with OCD and ADHD. I’m on medicine for the OCD. 50mg paroxetine. Do you go through the VA for your care? I am in the northern virginia, DC area.

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 12h

No I am for regular stuff but I’m going to try the therapy on here. I asked the VA here in Alabama to test for ADHD and they said you show signs of it but we aren’t going to treat it we want to just stick to treating for depression. I tried to them when my mind isn’t racing I’m not depressed but when my mind gets on a loop or I have disturbing thoughts that’s when I get depressed. And the VA here is so short staffed they schedule your appointments like months apart.

alan87

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous I understand what you mean there! When my mind isn’t racing or ruminating on repeat on harmful, disturbing thoughts or guilt and shame, I am not depressed or sad. There are times when I have the thoughts and I am able to move on from them, but there are days like today where I get stuck in a loop or ruminating and replaying scenarios. I want to try here, but I wish there was some way to discover pricing. They don’t accept VA insurance.

Roll-Tide.

Date posted: 8h

@alan87 Yes some thoughts I can move on from too but then it’s like my ocd isn’t happy about that so it creates even darker thoughts and darker thoughts until it can find a way to get me hooked on the loop. So they told me it was $240 for an hour without insurance or they do a plan where you do your sessions and then you pay $50 every Friday down on your bill.

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