Undiagnosed ocd

Ive had these harmful intrusive thoughts starting when i was around 11-13, basically 2023 and it was the worst thing ive been thru at that time, by a month or a few it went away and i lived without it normally, then it would come back, goes and comes but it wouldnt be bad i would forget about it and get distracted easily from it, last week right before bed i just put my phone by me and wanted to sleep and it all hit, it was the worst thing ever, i dont recall anything i did differently that might’ve triggered it i was so confused, it was the worst ever, worst than how it was when it started, i felt insane i felt like i would get up n act up on these harmful thoughts, i didnt know how to calm myself down i just wanted something to stop all of it i dont want a distraction i dont want anything i just want it all to stop and its scarier bc ik theres nothing thats gonna help me, when that happened i ran to my mom i started talking to her about it but i didnt want her to be scared or uncomfortable cuz i wouldnt want my daughter run to me 6 in the morning telling me shes scared shes gonna harm someone, and its even worse thinking about it this way for me, i couldnt last minutes with her n ran back to my room bc i felt like the thoughts would take over and im too dangerous to stay in a room with my family, then with every day it would get even worse than that, it used to be that if i went out or did something not at home it would actually not follow me all around but then it didnt, which scared me even more cuz it made it feel real like this is what i want instead of just thoughts, 2 nights maybe i found something to calm me, i was just telling myself stuff n it would help until it didnt aswell, last night was really scary, its the worst mostly around 1-7am, i didnt know what to do or how to manage these thought it would just get so scary n i would start feeling my heart beating n start shaking and wait till im completely ready to fall asleep so i wouldnt last a second without my phone or think about anything while trying to sleep cuz i depend on distractions cuz the more i spend with my thoughts alone the more scary and the more it convinces me its scary and i dont want it to work bc its slowly is and i dont want it to be worse, im 15 and im worried this would never go away or i would actually act on them to calm myself which is the scariest thought, today i woke up and i immediately felt everything 10x worse, not a second break, i took a shower right when i woke up n i dont have my phone in the shower to distract me even a tiny bit so i was stuck n it got so overwhelming and my whole body started shaking n started having a breakdown in the shower till it all went numb from how overwhelming i felt, i think i mentioned this 10 times but once i stop crying or having a breakdown its also scary like its never a break bc i feel like it happens bc i dont care anymore n the fear is gone and this is what i want to do, i noticed the only time i get a break is when i sleep, idk what to do, my family doesnt want me to get any medications for it, idek if i need it yet cuz i havent started therapy for it yet, im starting this week, im going today to book a therapist and i really wish i could start today i dont want to start getting worse n worse