Harm OCD testing/checking feeling scared

I’m not sure if anyone has gone through this with their harm OCD, but mine feels so totally different to when it started. When it started I knew how deathly afraid of these thoughts I was, they petrified me every time I thought of them. I would be hyper vigilant of everything, stay away from knives etc. Now, these thoughts and urges feel real and like it’s something I want. I find that I’m always thinking the thoughts on purpose and lately I’ve even found myself laughing at them. I’m not sure if this is testing or not, but I would laugh and make my way into the kitchen where all the knives are. I get urges just to pick knives up, even using my box cutter at work I get thoughts like ‘make sure you focus on the knife’ or ‘take it home with you’. I’m so scared that this is me now and I’m worried this is turning into a desire. Everytime I try and make plans, or go on a hike, or even eat, it feels like I’m making plans or excuses to carry out harm This is all directed at my new fiancee, and it makes me feel like I can’t be around her, or that I don’t love her.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

Hey, you should really look into ERP therapy. I highly recommend matching with a therapist here if you haven’t yet to help you navigate through this. ERP helps you learn how to lean into the obsessions till they don’t bother you anymore. Remember you don’t have any control over your thoughts. You only can control how you respond to them. Thinking something morbid or horrible doesn’t make you morbid or horrible. Your brain is latching onto that thought because it frightens you, from an evolutionary standpoint, your brain is highlighting something it thinks it a threat. That’s OCD in a nutshell. Logically you know you’re not capable of harming your fiancé, but your brain makes you question this over and over. The fact that it bothers you is validation in itself that you are not a horrible person. But you can’t keep reassuring yourself of that, because it’s a compulsion. You can’t argue with these thoughts. You have to learn to accept them, mindfully notice them, but don’t interact. Force yourself to sit with uncertainty, until you become comfortable with it. Once there’s nothing left for you to be afraid of, then ocd can’t bother you. I wish I had found ERP years ago. I hope this helps. You got this.

Icanbeatthis

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous I am currently doing ERP therapy, what scares me the fact that I get these urges just to pick the knives up, then I get thoughts to look at the knife, to study it. And it feels like I’m just resisting whenever I don’t do that. It scares me because it feels like every time I pick a knock up, I’m giving into an urge.

RebeccaAnn

Date posted: 2d

I'm gonna be starting ERP soon myself. I'm exhausted and scared of these thoughts that I have and I wish they'd go away. It's kinda comforting knowing that others struggle with harm ocd like me. The thoughts feel so real and it's like idk if they actually happened or not bc I don't trust myself. I just felt like I needed to vent for a sec

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 11h

@RebeccaAnn Thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t mean anything. They only have power if you allow them to bother you. I’m really glad you’re starting ERP. ERP helped me get a handle on my ocd

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