Possible OCD + fear/anxiety about the future.

i’ve been debating on making this post and this is also a throwaway account. i don’t know who to confide in anymore, because i’m scared. but i seem to be quite comfortable confiding in strangers online. so this will be me venting… honestly, i’m not 100% sure but i might have OCD based on i how i’ve been the past few weeks. i can’t really seek any form of professional help for this (i also don’t want to for now). recently i’ve been ruminating a lot. i’ve been depressed, anxious, and i also have very poor appetite. i’ve lost a lot interest in the things i enjoy; i can’t even enjoy listening to music. i don’t even talk to people that much anymore. even my own best friend. i’ve been trying my best to read a book to help with whatever i’m going through right now and it kind of helps, but not really. i genuinely cannot stop obsessing about the past and the mistakes that i made (and one them i made not too long ago). i’m so scared that one day it’s all gonna come back and bite me right in the ass. basically, i’m scared of the future. of uncertainty. i’ve been quite superstitious and doing some things to help ward off any bad luck/misfortune. i’m so scared that i’ll lose everyone and everything if people find out about the things i’ve done and said. i’m scared and it’s starting to become debilitating. i didn’t have best childhood so i’ve went through a lot. and i’m still going through a lot. i’ve been hurt. and i’ve also hurt others. i know people say to forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness from those that you’ve hurt, but i can’t do that because i don’t have contact with those people anymore (and i don’t really know those people anyway). and it’s been a while. so it’s very hard for me to forgive myself and slowly move one. i’ve cried so much over this and i basically pray (in a non-religious kind of way) and just hope the people that i’ve hurt are living their best lives around the people they love. life is genuinely cruel and being human sucks. i just wish i was around the right people so i wouldn’t have made those mistakes. i’m suffering so much. i don’t want my life to go to waste over past mistakes. i’m not trying to seeking any kind of reassurance or validation, but if any of you guys have any advice, i’d appreciate it.

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 11h

Hi there! Please note that you’re already making some progress as we speak because you could actually build the courage up to vent to us about this. I know how scary this can be, so let me congratulate you. Secondly, I relate to everything you say in here. I suffer from really bad real event spikes almost daily, and let me tell you that I had never experienced something as gut wrenching as this. I know what it feels like to think that everything and everyone will leave your side once they know about your past mistakes. I know what it feels like to regret every single decision and wish it had never happened. But here’s the thing, we must forgive ourselves. I agree with what the comment above says, we’re not the same person and we must treat ourselves with kindness. I wish I had useful advice to give you, but I’m also struggling with this myself. However, I’m here if you ever need to vent, and I’m sure the rest of the community will be more than happy to support you as well.

lookingtoget...

Date posted: 10h

i just want to say thank you for responding. i actually saw some of your posts before making this account and posting. i related to what you are currently going through.

alan87

Date posted: 10h

@anonymous_purple💜 This definitely well said. Be kind to ourselves, even when we are our own worst critics.

anonymous_pu...

Date posted: 3h

@lookingtogetbetter No problem! If you ever need someone to vent to i’m here :)

alan87

Date posted: 14h

I am sorry you are going through this. It isn’t easy. I am in the same boat as you. I have made mistakes in the past that I absolutely regret, wish I could take back, and absolutely don’t want anyone knowing about. The good news is that we are not the same person we were yesterday or years ago. The fact that even have these questions or moral dilemmas shows our want to be better and grow; mentally and spiritually. Forgiveness is something that is tough to understand. Especially for me as a Christian. My sins are forgiven. But how do I forgive myself? I’m not entirely sure, I think part of it is the commitment to yourself to grow and learn. I hope this helps.

lookingtoget...

Date posted: 13h

it does bring me some comfort that i’ve change and that i’m not the same person i was before. i just hope it gets better soon. thanks

alan87

Date posted: 10h

@lookingtogetbetter It will, it always gets better. Have you done any therapy?

lookingtoget...

Date posted: 10h

@alan87 - unfortunately, i haven’t done any therapy. i don’t have the money for it atm. i’m hoping i can someday soon.

alan87

Date posted: 9h

@lookingtogetbetter I understand what you mean. I hope you can soon as well. I wish I could do NOCD but I don’t think they accept through the VA. At least we can focus on being better today and one day at a time. We are not defined by mistakes or the past.

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