trying not to confess is driving me insane.

I stopped confessing to my gf months ago because she asked me to stop since it was upsetting her, but in the months that passed the amount of stuff that I want to tell her has only grown and the urgency has grown as well. my main obsession is cheating OCD, ive spent years afraid that i cheated on her with a friend of mine and these past few months a memory has resurfaced ( I know OCD can theoretically distort actual memories but I don't know if this one is like that it doesn't seem to me, like at all ) about me cheating. I even stopped feeling doubt around this topic I just feel so sure of this memory it seems so real to me so I can't pretend that I feel doubt about having cheated. what makes the most sense to me is that I did it. I do have low insight tho, my therapist told me that. my therapist ( she is specialised in ocd ) told me i have free will lol so I can do whatever I want but she told me that confessing not only is a compulsion but that it would just upset and overwhelm my gf. I don't want to hurt her but not telling her feels so deeply wrong to me. keeping her in the dark about my memory just seems manipulative and horrible to me, I cant even have intimacy with her anymore because I think that doing that with her when she doesn't know something so crucial about our relationship is r@pe by deception, cus she would never do that with me if she knew about the memory. but please I cant handle being told "maybe you did it maybe you didn't" that only makes me freak out more, not only because I don't feel doubt anymore at this point but also because it feels insane to be to just be like "oh well maybe yes". that's just not acceptable to me. I don't know what to do anymore I feel restless and like I want to crawl out of my own skin I don't deserve any pity tho I did this to myself

Iwannabeokayy

Date posted: 22h

I know how can things make u feel when u have false memory, Im in similar situation I have healty relationship and I feel guilty all the time about the things I do or I didnt and make my self crazy like what is real which one is true if u feel like this too I hope we all get peace and convince ourselfs for the best way

AnthoRobo

Date posted: 21h

To be honest, I tell my fiancé these things. Some details hurt her but she is still very supportive. Since I’ve told her in the past, she knows exactly what kind of intrusive thoughts I have. So if I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious to confess, I will just tell her (I’m having my ROCD thoughts again) rather than being so descriptive. She’s further able to be there for me and understand rather than getting hurt.

elle’s in re...

Date posted: 22h

have you spoken to your friend about this theme? i think it could be valuable to be open and ask for their perspective, input, and clarification. this memory holds two people and false memories are a theme too. i advise to not put your girlfriend in distress unless you can confirm that it actually happened.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 22h

yes I did speak to my friend about my theme in general and he thinks nothing romantic ever happened between us but this memory of cheating is not about something physical happening ( nothing physical ever happened between me and my friend ) it's more about emotionally cheating. Its about a conversation me and my friend had ( which definitely happened because I have texts, the conversation was really affectionate and I even told him that affection was purely platonic) and this conversation made me anxious for a while I read it many many times but I could never remember anything weird about it I think(?) like any weird intentions or stuff, but this year I remembered a bad intention surrounding this conversation, so basically a memory of me being unloyal. I didn't speak to my friend specifically about this conversation because it's not like he can tell me what my intentions were

elle’s in re...

Date posted: 22h

@aaanonymous cheating takes two people, i hope that brings some sense of relief. i’m assuming your girlfriend is aware of your diagnosis and that she understands how it affects you. these thoughts will pass in time; i’m sorry that they’re present and affecting you so deeply.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 22h

@elle’s in recovery I mean idk the memory is about me trying to hit on him even if I did tell him that affection was platonical. that's still cheating even if my friend didn't do anything in return yk. yes my gf is aware of my diagnosis and she knows it's really hard for me

CaspersKeeper

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 20h

I think with something like this- the problem is you not trusting yourself combined with your trigger fear of hurting your loved one right? It could be good when this trigger comes up to remind yourself of the big fear (so you know why) and instead of the maybe maybe not, you could say “ I trust myself to be able to handle this discomfort. I can sit with this discomfort.” I agree with the other commenter- I tell my husband I am having an ocd trigger but I don’t elaborate on ones that are ROCD. If you really must elaborate- maybe journalling could help to get the compulsion out. But also long as we do the compulsion, we will keep wanting to do it. The fact that you are delaying it rn is a win btw- keep delaying because it really does help build up to stopping the compulsion

soggy

Date posted: 19h

“Maybe you did it, maybe you didn't” can be really rough in that context, especially with what you're describing. I will say one thing, if it helps at all: cheating would be incredibly hurtful, but it is NOT rape. That's not how rape works.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 19h

well yea but she doesn't have fully informed consent

soggy

Date posted: 19h

@aaanonymous Unrelated to the act itself

aaanonymous

Date posted: 19h

@soggy I don't really agree, if she knew she wouldn't even be around me so how is it fully informed consent

soggy

Date posted: 19h

@aaanonymous I don't want us getting caught in a feedback loop, you're going to have to answer that question yourself

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