OCD or Miserable Human Being

Recently I’ve been struggling with what I think is a subtype of OCD. More specifically, ROCD. However, I’m having doubts that my symptoms and thoughts actually align with what’s considered OCD, and rather I’m “just being dramatic and everyone has these thoughts.” I’m most familiar with Scrupulosity, which I’m managing very well thanks to the help of therapy and medication. But ever since that’s died down my mind has felt free to wander and latch onto whatever it pleases. I know that oftentimes OCD takes over the things you care about, so I wouldn’t be surprised if what I’m dealing with is OCD. I feel like my mind always needs something to focus on and worry about. I’m so used to utilizing it as a “motivator”, so when things are okay, I get very uncomfortable and mentally panic. My first instinct is to quickly latch onto something because it gives me a sense of purpose and direction. “If I achieve this thing I’ll finally be okay.” “If I find this kind of person I’ll finally be okay.” “If I’m certain about my salvation I’ll finally be okay.” So unfortunately I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationships in my life. I’ve been having thoughts like, “What if this person is the one?” “What if they leave and you’ve missed your chance?” “What if you make the wrong choice?” “What if you’re destined to be alone?” “What if you have to settle?” “What if you aren’t psychically attracted to your partner?” “What if your partner isn’t sexually oriented towards you?” “What if the relationship isn’t fulfilling?” “What if you’re not good enough for a relationship?” It doesn’t help that I struggle with comparing myself to those I can’t have. It’s like a defense mechanism, “Wait, why would I be sad? I’m better than them.” Like that. And I don’t like that. I don’t like picking people apart to make myself feel better. And so maybe these thoughts are thoughts that everyone has. I just think what classifies it as OCD or OCD-like is the inability to let those thoughts go. That’s the issue I have, letting it go. I NEED to figure out this person before I can feel okay. I NEED to know someone loves me before I can feel okay. I NEED to solve my life before I can feel okay. Maybe this isn’t ROCD because I’ve never been in a relationship, but I figure that since it follows an OCD pattern, where running away doesn’t help and arguing with the thoughts doesn’t help, sitting with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings is something that might help. This is just one part of the story. I also have a really, really, REALLY bad habit of latching onto the idea of others and fantasizing about them (not sexually ofc). I assume the best about them and compare those parts to the worst of myself. I subconsciously tell myself that if I can be with them, it’ll say something about my worth. Maybe I’ll be okay. And so with that in mind, I’ve been trying to ground myself in reality. “I don’t actually know who they are.” “I don’t actually know if they’re the one.” “I don’t actually know if they’re this person I make them out to be.” But the thoughts WON’T GO AWAY. I’ve even tried telling myself, “maybe this is ROCD.” But then I have thoughts like, “What if this isn’t?” “What if this is just the way you are?” “What if you’re going to be like this forever and nobody will ever choose you?” “What if you aren’t growing “what if you’re lying to yourself and you’re gonna be in the same place you were a day ago?” So I’ve been trying to tell myself, “Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know.” To EVERY thought that seeks certainty. But even still, just the idea of getting better is hard because I’ve always felt like I was living for something. I need to go to school so I can be successful. I need to work hard so I can get a lot of money. I need to be the best person I can be so I can finally be loved. And it’s hard to do that for myself because I’m so used to doing things and living to prove something. But what if I just existed? And that’s uncomfortable, but it’s good to feel that way. What if I wasn’t working on myself so I could be with someone? What if I didn’t go to school to prove something about myself? What if I just lived day by day? But then I feel lost and sad, and what am I to make of that? Is this OCD and I just constantly need something to think about? Or am I just a miserable human being with a victim mentality? Either case, what should I do to fix it?