lots of guilt today

i had been hoping after talking with my girlfriend yesterday a little about whats been bothering me i would start to feel better about my past mistakes but today has been a lottttt of up and down for me emotionally i had a panic attack over intrusive thoughts regarding my real event at work this morning. i thought i had been doing better too so it was a discouraging setback. it hit so suddenly it was like i couldn’t stop the thoughts from overwhelming me then later i was able to focus on things a little bit. for the first time in over a week i have been able to experience thoughts without forcing me into rumination. being able to push away the urge to replay memories and question what the people around me think was such a relief even if short lived i came home exhausted and decided to journal bc i have been so stressed about getting approved for an apartment. when i journal i really just let my thoughts pour out onto the page and then after i think everything is out i try to put a positive perspective on what is stressing me out. it helped me for a little bit but its been a couple hours and im starting to feel overwhelmed again but this time for a new reason i ended up getting things sorted with the apartment complex and will hopefully be signing a lease tomorrow! however i feel an ache in my chest from guilt over the apartment i am going with. i feel so privileged to be able to move out on my own straight out of college. but i feel as if i dont deserve what i am about to get. why do i get to have my own apartment? why do i get to have financial support from my family? what does it say about me to have such material privilege yet to still struggle so much mentally? aside from ocd im also diagnosed with bpd from a toxic home life growing up, and cptsd, also from the home environment as well as two traumatic relationships during college. i just dont understand why someone like me would struggle with these things because when i compare what made me develop these conditions to what made the other people i know develop these conditions i feel as if i have been through significantly less than them. so why am i like this??? i just dont understand

Anonymous

Date posted: 10h

I am so sorry you have had a rough day.

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 10h

Many people suffer minimal trauma and are still diagnosed with mental health conditions, its nature and nurture, really! Be proud of yourself for having a steady foundation and taking next steps. You should never feel guilty for making strides toward a life you want to live

s 🫶

Date posted: 10h

@Cat-Mom i guess it just confuses me a little bit because bpd and cptsd are both trauma based disorders - and im in emdr therapy and working through past experiences but i still just wonder why my brain responded to the trauma the way it did. the bpd i do understand to an extent because there is a component to it where you can be predisposed to developing it in response to childhood trauma depending on your genetics, but again the trauma still has to be there. i just feel a little disoriented trying to piece together what ive been through that caused mental health issues this severe. i feel a little bit like a fraud, i guess is the right word for it?

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 10h

@s 🫶 That’s fair! I think we are prone to sensationalizing a lot of trauma-related stuff because of the media. Could your trauma be as “bad” as someone else’s who developed the same disorders? Maybe, maybe not though! At the end of the day, trauma is trauma. Our bodies and brains respond to protect us from it

s 🫶

Date posted: 9h

@Cat-Mom thats very true, thank you!

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