What if I'm faking this?

I have absolutely had/still have those same thoughts! You are not faking it from what I’m reading. For example, you have an intrusive thought/obsession, and you ruminate on it until you finally seek reassurance through Google and Reddit. After seeking reassurance from these sites, the relief may last a little bit, or it might not suffice at all. But it is rinse and repeat of the same sequence. In my experience with OCD, this is a classic presentation in and of itself, among your (I presume) other obsessions. You are so strong, and you are brave for sharing! But I’m sure, as you know, Google and Reddit do not truly know you like you do! Your therapist will hopefully be an encouragement and healthy reassurance.

OCD is a real condition that happens to real people. If you have intrusive thoughts that cause you distress and anxiety, and you're desperately looking for anything that would make them stop, that is enough reason to seek the help you need and deserve. My OCD was very severe and distressing, but then doing ERP, things like recognising compulsions and refusing to do them completely, helped so much. Compulsions can sometimes be mental, (like seeking reassurance by searching up about OCD symptoms every single time your mind is distressed). You need to get good at identifying all types of such compulsions and refusing to take part in absolutely any of them. Another thing I did was whenever the intrusive thought came up, instead of fighting it, or arguing with it, or doing anything to engage with it, I let it play out and scream as much as it liked. Doing this, eventually desensitized me to distressing thoughts. They are still uncomfortable, but they have stopped causing me the severe anxiety and distress they used to. Ignoring OCD-like symptoms is a mistake. That just makes your mind panic more, "If she's trying so hard to ignore this thought, that means it's something dangerous that needs immediate attention. Flood her mind with it." OCD is a doubting disease. I've been exactly where you are. And no, you aren't faking it.

Hey there, It sounds like you might be obsessing over the obsessiveness. Though I haven't started therapy yet for my hoarding tendencies and clutter, I've gone to therapy about other things in life, and you'll just be talking to another person, a nonjudgmental person who will be able to understand your looping thoughts uncertainty, checking and double checking, and all of that. They will ask you clarifying questions, and whether or not you fit whichever criteria of a diagnosis, that's just words and numbers on a document for insurance purposes. Your new therapist will be treating you as the individual who you are, and no one ever fits a classic mold. You're taking the best step you can for a young person, and are willing to talk about your concerns with someone who can help you slow down both your feelings and thoughts, look at them in a more objective and distant way, to help you teach yourself how to get your mind out and away from all the looping, to at least build strategies to recognize it and lessen the effects of it on your everyday life and mind. It's just the nature of the disorder that's causing the overwhelm, and you're clearly not intending to have this sort of suffering, because no one would really want to have their feelings and thoughts to loop and compounds themselves. Your therapist will teach you ways to relax both your body and mind to decrease the effects of whichever disorder with which you're presenting. I wish you well with your first session, and do your best to let them help you work through your overwhelm. They'll help you break things down into small, manageable bits that are much easier to be curious about, instead of trying to understand everything at once. May you have a good first session, and as many as you need to learn how you can help yourself. Peace to you. :-)