Is this normal? (HOCD)

It’s a really strange feeling. Sometimes I really don’t want any of it,(my theme is afraid of being bisexual) but other times I feel completely like this is who I really am—I’m okay with it and I want it. Then I feel like I don’t dare let myself get too invested, because if I do, these things won’t go away and I’ll actually become that person. It really feels like I have two selves: one that wants it and one that doesn’t. Three things bother me: 1. Even before the HOCD started, I sometimes questioned whether I was gay. That fear—wondering if it was a possibility—was always there, and I don’t know if it was because I was bullyed in the school that I'm gay. 2. It didn’t start with just a single thought. It was more of an accumulation of things; it was already in my mind somehow. I’m afraid that maybe my true self or sexuality was actually emerging back then. 3. Some symptoms—or whatever you call them—didn’t go away even when I ignored them. Sometimes they’d come back, or a different one would appear, or one would get stronger. For instance, there was that thing with the men's thumb; sometimes I’d ignore it and it would vanish, but then I’d check to see if it was still there—and when it wasn’t, I’d wonder, "What if I’m just not in the right mood for it right now?" and then it would come back. There were also times when I ignored it and it spread to all the fingers. When these things popped up, I didn’t panic; instead, I felt reassured: "Okay, if I still have symptoms, then it’s OCD, which means I’m not bi." But now, the feeling I have is that if they didn’t go away, then they must have been real. Plus, there’s the fact that sometimes I test something out and like it right away. It wasn't like this with other things; usually, that ,,like feeling ,,only kicked in after I’d been testing myself for a while. And right now, I have this symptom where—whenever I’m in that state of mind wondering if it’s OCD or if I’m actually straight—I get that weird sensetion that I have to knock on my head. Before, that only happened when I was having intrusive thoughts. And okay, I accept that this is who I am, but the thoughts still don't go away. In fact, they get even worse. Ugh. Like I said, sometimes I feel exactly the way you see me now: mixing everything up, anxious as hell—and then, two seconds later, I’m totally fine with who I am. But then I start thinking: okay, but 1) when will they go away? and 2) if I really accept this now, there’s no turning back. What do you guys think? Is this who I really am? Am I in denial? Or it's just OCD screwing with me?

vBayv

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

Not to provide reassurance, but you are describing very common experiences with OCD. My question for you is this: does it really matter? I think we made a really big mistake by making sexuality so important in society. People should be proud of who they are, and should be able to build all types of relationships with whoever they want. My hope for you is that you can find a fulfilling relationship with someone who makes you feel like you can be yourself, regardless of who that is. Also! Denial doesn't come with constant anxiety and checking behaviors, learning that changed the game for me. Best of luck to you :)

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 13h

@vBayv Would you say denial exists when you’re thinking about it constantly? I’ve gone up in my medication so I just think about it all the time, but I’m not distressed? Just curious for your thoughts on that

vBayv

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 8h

@Cat-Mom I wouldn't. The best way I've heard it described is that "denial hides" meaning that one doesn't even consider the feared outcome as a possibility. OCD fears are kind of the opposite, one believes a feared outcome is likely or inevitable, and does compulsions as a way to prevent or relieve the anxiety of the possibility of the feared outcome. Denial is not distressing, OCD is.

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 6h

@vBayv Excellent way of putting it!

Anonymous

Date posted: 13h

Thank you for your answer really. For two days I was trying to prove myself that no, I don't want to be bisexual but the thought that yes I do went really strong. And it took over, but it doesn't feel like it took over it feel like I am the one who admitting it. It's really like two inner. Hope you'll be better

anca

Date posted: 2h

Feels the same for me, I think all we can do is try not to figure out what's intrusive and what isn't and just let it be

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 15h

I’m so with you because I never felt quite right with my sexuality. But I also didn’t think about it in an obsessive way until a couple of months ago. I’m gonna vote OCD though simply for the ways you’re thinking about it. You land on something, let it sit, then fall back into doubt. I think about my genuine questioning a bit back, I did some research and decided women were probably not for me. NOW I tell myself that because I questioned that I landed on the wrong conclusion of liking men. And I use every example of same-sex interactions where I thought a woman was pretty or interesting or intriguing as a “you thought that because you’re gay and don’t know it”. Or worse, the couple of times I thought about kissing a gay woman when out with friends as the ULTIMATE proof. But I can’t even say I was attracted to them??? Just wanted to try it and they were flirting with me. We might never know who we are. I’m learning to accept I may exist in a gray space and trying not to let it poison a loving relationship I’m in.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13h

You don't feel anxeity because you are on medications. But I'm not a professional I don't know it for sure so don't take it seriously. Do you ask this because you think I'm in denial?

vBayv

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 8h

@Anonymous I'm not on medications, never have been. I don't think my question in any way implied that I think you are denial. Try to look objectively at your question and see that the doubt and fear you are experiencing is irrational.

anca

Date posted: 13h

Your experience is very similar to mine except I'm wondering if I'm lesbian. Even before ocd, I still questioned my sexuality a little bit because in highschool or as a kid I had never had a crush on any boy and all my friends thought that was weird and they have asked me if I was a lesbian but I didn't think I was. Then my first soocd episode happenned but I didn't know it was ocd at the time and I thought I was just questioning. Back then I eventually accepted the possibility that I might be bi and that was enough to stop it and move on with my life. But in the past 6 years I've always had the thought in the back of my mind that maybe I'm a lesbian and I never looked into it. And I've felt exactly how you describe it, everything is mixed up, sometimes I feel like I know who I am, the next second I have no idea. In the past year my ocd got really bad and its like you said, I understand that I need to accept the thoughts and the possibility in order to make it stop but if it's my real self, there is no turning back and I'll have to live a different life than the one I've always dreamed of. Accepting that I might be bi was one thing because the possibility to be with a guy was still there but accepting that I might be lesbian is a lot harder because it would mean completely closing a door I don't want to close. For me the anxiety got unbearable, so I did let everything in. I've been extremely depressed lately because I believe there's no going back now but I try not to fight it because there's genuinely nothing I can do if this is it. The anxiety is pretty much gone, and I'm not stuck in my head anymore but I had really hoped I would discover that my thoughts were silly at the end of this and that I would have some kind of confirmation that I do like men. I don't know what advice I was going to give you cause I feel like I'm confirming your worst fears 😭 I guess I'm trying to say that you're not alone and that I'm just as lost and confused as you. And even though I think I painted a very gray picture for you, you should know that I don't think everything is doomed now and you won't either. I still somehow have a feeling things will work themselves out. It's probably very stupid that I still have hope but whatever

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 12h

@anca Not having crushes as a kid doesn’t automatically mean you’re a lesbian! Children develop at different rates. I never had crushes on boys as a kid, but I also didn’t crush on girls. No door is closed if you don’t want it to be, remember that 🤍

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond